My sexuality is all over the place I don't fit the sterotype

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Okay, I'm a girl who believes she is bisexual. I know I'm not straight and I know I'm probably not gay but I seem to lean more towards girls. The thing is I don't know a single even slightly gay person. I'm in a group for autism and people on the spectrum such as fragile x/down syndrome/autism. I really don't feel like I fit in. I'm just barley on the spectrum. I mostly hang out with the mentors because they are closer in age then the actual people in the group. Though they often treat me like a 5 year old, who's as dumb as dirty. Probably cause I'm immature but that's my personality. Doesn't mean I'm dumb. The group is mostly boys, with about 4-5 girls. I never even started questioning my sexuality until early middle school. As an elementary school student I was primarily attracted to boys and never really had strong feelings for girls. If I did I took it as admiration, rather than a crush. I've never been in any sort of relationship, only been asked out once and rejected him. I kissed a boy in the 5th grade and it was nastiest experience of my life. The boy had treated me in a way that I now realize is sexual harassment. He asked me to have sex with him (mind you this was in a special class) in the boys bathroom. Which I thought was a normal thing for a guy to say at the time, now I think its flat out disgusting. Most of my middle school/elementary bullying was by guys, which I realize is the opposite of how it usually goes for girls. It kinda made me dislike guys, I just don't like there personality's. I've never been attracted to someone I knew in real life, at least for the past 10 years. I'm attracted mostly to fictional characters and the stunning look of celebs. I realize this sounds so shallow and anti-social. But I grew up with pop culture and I'm still watching today. Fictional characters ruined real life people for me. I don't fit the stereotype that girls see as lesbian/bisexual women. Guys see it totally differently they imagine lesbians as the girls they see in porn or on TV. Beautiful lipstick wearing girls. I'm by now means attractive, but I'm certainly one of the girliest girls ever to girl. I wear dresses, even when I'm at the grocery store. I find them so comfortable, I have a huge collection of makeup/teddy bears/clothes. I watch beauty gurus on you-tube. Everyone just assumes I'm just as a straight as can be and I think that has to do with my personality. When people ask me questions about my crushes, the word guy is always brought up. Now its not that I hate guys, I just have a type that doesn't fit in with the socal ways. I like the most metro-sexual guys and they usually turn out to be gay. So if I like a guy I can safely assume he's probably gay and if I like a girl it can be assumed she's straight. So clearly that's a problem. I don't know a single gay person close to me that I could talk to. When I bring up the world bisexual in relation to anything, the reaction I get from that is "oh you mean like confused?". I believe I'm not as confused as I feel and that bisexuality doesn't always mean confused. So obviously I don't want to go around saying I'm bi. It seems like most of the "students" in the group who have autism are narrow minded. They are extremely conservative young men who are into guns and video games. Two things I can not relate to in the slightest. When I say I'm girly, I mean I have not a single man like aspect to my personality. It seems like the stereotype is that girly girls who like girls, like the butch girls. I like girls who have common interests with me. If you want to know my type, thought I don't really have one. Think Glee's Santana Lopez, bad-ass girly girly who's not afraid to say what she thinks as soon as it comes to mind. I'd like to casually date someone, but that seems to be near impossible. Any advice?

Hi ispydork,

I am female and also feel that I am bisexual, but attracted to more women than men, and like you I also haven't ever been in a relationship. A couple points I want to make:

-Lesbians and bisexuals come in all shapes and forms, don't let the stereotypes get to you. I've struggled with this some myself because many in the LGBT community perpetuate these stereotypes, and it really bothers me that they do because stereotypes are narrow-minded and you would hope this community especially would be all about open-mindedness. I don't fit the stereotypes. Most people do not fit the stereotypes. Be yourself. Don't worry about trying to fit yourself into a mold.

-A website that has really helped me understand bisexuality AND prepared me to talk about it with others. So far that has only been my mother, but it was a pretty successful conversation. Bisexual Index

-Your autism group does not sound like it is the best place to discuss your sexuality. You sound like you are around high school age? Depending on where you live, your community or school may have some sort of LGBTQ youth group, such as a gay-straight alliance. This sort of group would be a good place to make friends and start exploring your sexuality. If you live in a conservative community without this sort of support, you can always use the internet to connect with other LGBTQ youth and talk out some of your concerns in online forums.

-While I'm sure that not all young boys are bullies, they certainly made my life terrible in middle school. My Mom was worried that my experiences in middle school turned me off of boys, but no, my sexuality is completely unrelated to those experiences.

-I worry about the media thing as well. I read tons of lesbian fiction and since I've never been in a relationship I worry about whether these books make me set my expectations too high. On the other hand, they help motivate me to try to find a girlfriend/boyfriend. If only I could figure out how to flirt . . . darn Aspergers.

I agree. I don't use labels at all .. I can't identify with any one of them .. and I'm married to a same-sex partner. Check out LGBT forums and just chat. Get to know people. If they ask, sometimes they do, just say you don't define yourself with a label. It works. If you don't care, they don't care. If they do, they are not a good mix for you.

Be you.