Question - how to talk to transgender people?

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I went to an autism support group the first time yesterday and there was someone who I initially thought was a woman - long, blond hair, feminine clothes, makeup - but on closer observation that person had a male voice and face. Now I don't want to offend anyone, but I assume such a person would want to be referred to as a she? I talked to her and she was really nice and everything, and I just want to know how to talk to her in future. Would she want to be treated fully as a female? I guess so, but I thought I'd ask before I offend anyone.

Yes, unless she says otherwise, she is female and most likely prefers to be referred to as such.

The best way to find out is ask the person.

I'm afraid even that might be offensive.

I would ask respectfully or use gender neutral terms until I found out what they preferred

Yeah just be polite and respectful. If she's using female pronouns, and everyone else is using female pronouns, then those are her pronouns. If you do have questions, try to word them delicately, and if she's not comfortable answering questions, then don't press her.

Just treat her like you would anyone else. Trans * people are still just people after all.

There are good arguments for asking about pronouns rather than assuming but they only really work in situations where you're going to ask everybody their pronouns. If you assume everyone elses pronouns based on their appearance and presentation but ask the one person who you think is trans then that is singling them out a bit. I think that unless you're going to ask everyone their pronouns it would be better to just assume this person would like you to use female pronouns. That way at worst you are using female pronouns for a male-assigned-at-birth non-binary identified or male-identified person, somebody making that mistake is less likely to be being deliberately offensive than someone blithly using male pronouns.

I don't think there is a perfect right answer to your question, but being polite and respectful is what really matters. Whether you ask or use 'she' until told otherwise I think it is unlikely that this person would take offense to a well meaning mistake, you did say that this person "was really nice"!

I run an LGBTQ* twitter/tumblr and asked my Trans* followers how they preferred to be asked, and the responses thus far are:

"Prefer to be asked matter-of-factly as though it's standard social question for everyone (whether it is for that asker or not)."
and
"Can I ask what pronouns you prefer using? I'd hate to assume."

I'm sure I'll get more, I asked quite late at night.. though that seems to be the general preference to those I've spoken to previously.

Hi Sanctus,

As a trans person myself, I think the most important thing when interacting with trans people is to be aware of the difference between biological gender markers and presentation.

In my opinion, if the person is presenting as female as clearly as the way you describe (make up, female clothes, feminine hair) then you need to assume that she wishes to be referred to with female pronouns and be respectful of that. Though it's unlikely a trans person would be offended by being asked which pronouns they prefer - being trans makes it necessary to be able to deal with situations like that - it might be be a bit of an emotional blow to someone who has gone to such an effort to present as a normal woman for someone to ask a question which so clearly comes from noticing the biologically masculine features they are trying to distance themselves from. She may find it particularly disappointing if she hopes that all her efforts help her to pass as a regular female. On the other hand, if you use "she" and "her" and "ma'am" without any prompting, you are likely to make that person very happy, as you are respecting the identity she is choosing to present to the world and boosting her confidence.

It is quite a different situation if the person presents androgynously. If you can't tell which gender someone is and they aren't offering any clear signals, or you're not sure if they are trying to present as a different gender than their biological sex, you should always ask which pronouns they prefer. This situation tends to happen a lot with female to male transpeople - we tend to go through an intermediary stage where you can't quite tell if the person is a masculine-looking woman or a feminine-looking man. I assure you this won't cause any offence. On the contrary, they will probably be extremely pleased that you are respectful enough of their feelings to ask the question.

In summary:
If the person is strongly presenting as a particular gender, regardless of whether you suspect they may have been a different sex biologically, you should use the pronouns of the gender they present as (they are giving you such a strong cue to their identity that it's not necessary to ask).

If someone is gender-ambiguous or you're not certain whether they are trying to present as one gender or the other, you should always ask.

Don't worry about getting it "wrong". People who are visibly trans have to deal with these things all the time, and won't mind at all if they have to correct you so long as you are being respectful!

I hope that helps!

If you are already talking with her, I'm sure she'll be happy you asked. Be point blank. Say something like,
"I've never met a transgender before. Apart from your name, how do you want people to address you as, a woman?" Then apologize for your "ignorance" and mention you don't want to be offensive to anyone who might be sensitive around it. Then share something about you .. I'm assuming your gay?

Don't assume that someone is comfortable answering your questions or disclosing their trans* status.

If she refers to herself as a "she", than she is one. It doesn't matter that she is born in a male body and maybe she doesn't feel confortable talking about it.

Your gender identity develops between your ears and not between you legs.

As a genderfluid person, I prefer my biological (feminine) pronouns even though I don't relate to them much. There are two reasons for this. A) I get confused too when people refer me as a "Mr." B) My mother totally freaks out if anyone "mistakes" me for a guy, and she blows up at me afterwards.
This might not apply for everyone, but I think it would be all right if you asked the person politely and directly. Being non-cisgender means that we have to deal with this. It's part of the package.