Should I invite my fostermum to my wedding?

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Last Easter, aged sixteen. I 'came out' to my fostermother. The night before, I had attended a LGBT youth support group, without her knowledge.
My mum didn't take the news well. When I told her that my depression and erratic behaviour is because I'm struggling with the fact that I'm gay, she yelled at me and said that she was absolutely disgusted. She said that my sexual orientation was setting a bad example for my younger siblings and that, if I returned to the support group, she'd kick me out. She also said that I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I had gone away to college.
Since that day, now almost a complete year ago, she hasn't talked to me about my sexual orientation at all and whenever I mention something gay-related, like the gay senator David Norris who was running for presidency, she acted awkwardly and swiftly exited the room.
I'll be eighteen in December. Then I'll be finished in foster-care, although I'll possibly stay at my fosterparent's house as they've been my family for twelve years. However my fostermum is always giving out to me and now, with her hatred towards my sexuality, I'm afraid that any relationship I had with her is disappearing. I understand that she might feel awkward talking about gay people but she's the only mother I've known. My concern is that when I find a guy who I really like and he becomes my husband, my fostermother won't turn up at the wedding. If she knew about the wedding she'd possibly make the whole day miserable. So, when the time comes, should I not tell her that I'm getting married? She's always been so cold when it comes to my personal life, yet she's still my mum. I'm confused. What should I do?

Also, if you came out at home, how did your family react?

I can only give a little bit of advise here as fortunately I have no experience on this front. But your wedding is in the distant future, and who know what your situation will be then. Perhaps she'll have come to terms with it. Perhaps your relationship will totally have broken down. Who knows. The point is, there is no need to worry about the wedding issue now, when you don't even have a boyfriend.

Any wedding is still far in the future. However, if and when that time comes, if you still have a relationship with your foster mum, do send her an invite, but don't be bent out of shape if she chooses not to attend. You can't force other people to share your beliefs or lifestyle choices. And, she is entitled to her own beliefs and lifestyle choices. Remember, you owe her a great deal of respect, as she rescued you from a bad situation.

You might get to keep up a relationship with your fostermum, but you also might get your heart broken. Only time will tell.

Aging out of the foster care system was terrifying for me. I did everything I could to pretend like it was no big deal and I was as excited as other people seemed to be to be turning 18. That was almost half my life ago so maybe there are changes to the system now. At that time I was just glad that I turned 18 in the summer so I didn't have to try to find somewhere to live while I was still in school.

See, people say this, but it really depends on what that home was actually like. Often that's not something even the foster kid is aware of until they're out and away. If it's your normal, you don't necessarily know if a situation was wonderful or soul-crushing.
I remember my Fostermom once saying to me "I don't know why all these kids just fall apart after they leave the system".
Now, it's shocking to me that she had so little understanding of what our lives were like. One day you're a teenager with something like a family and a home. And literally the next day, you're an adult and you're not welcome anymore because you don't come with a check. Suddenly, you're alone in the world. No more caseworkers, no more guardians, no more structure or routine. Most of the time you're out of school too, so there's not even that to depend on. I went off to college and imploded.

I've heard that there are more support programs out there now and that caseworkers stick around for a couple of years checking in and offering support but I don't really know. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your foster family sticks with you.

get in touch with pflag and ask them for some info to give your foster mum. My family reacted badly when I came out. Now my partner of 5 years and I holiday with my parents. I invited them to my civil union but they couldn't come.

I agree that she is entitled to her own opinions, beliefs and lifestyle and she may have rescued this lad from a bad situation but she also put him in a bad situation by failing to support him in his time of need, she failed to keep her own moral judgments to herself and she failed to look at this objectively...she made it about her when it wasn't! It is people like this woman who contribute and in some cases cause some gay teens to commit suicide.....Yes she failed as a parent big time!!

You go on about the OP showing her respect for helping him and getting him out of a bad situation, where was her respect for him when he came out??...Respect is a two way street!!

OP: You're almost 18 and don't have a boyfriend right? A wedding is a long way and while I understand that you want to keep your relationship with your foster mumI would also consider her reaction to you coming out, she may have taken you in from a bad situation but she failed big time to support you when you most needed it...It's ok to invite her but do keep this in mind.

S x

I agree with everyone who's replied so far but just wanted to add a thing or two.

It's a likely a long way off, so don't spend too much time obsessing over it. Live in the present, you'll be happier for it.

I completely get the whole wanting to be the bigger person and still invite her etc, but it does sound like she hasn't exactly been the most awesome foster mum in the world w/ regards to her reaction and actions towards you and your sexual orientation. Some may say she doesn't deserve an invitation. Here's a potential solution: You could be the bigger better person by sending her an engagement announcement card if & when that happens and feel out her response to that. If she comes around to accepting you then, well then maybe she deserves an invitation.

Otherwise you could always send her an invitation with the month/week (or even date) indicated but not the exact time/location stating that the time/location are yet to be finalized but that you wanted to get invitations out early to family & friends to ensure they would be available to join you on your wedding day. Then if she responds, and is positive, loving & accepting - well, give her the details and see if she shows up and behaves herself. If she doesn't respond, or responds negatively, you won't have to worry about her showing up to make a scene because you won't have given her the exact time/location etc. Problem solved.

Thread is almost 1 year old; OP last visited WP on Mon Jul 16, 2012.

Didn't notice that.. but it doesn't mean the OP doesn't get email notifications.

Like goldfish21 said the OP is most likely getting email notifications, I still get them for old threads from time to time.

S