Right when I thought I was alone, I saw this Forum.

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I have no idea why, but for the passed months that I've been on WP, I NEVER saw the LGBT forum until today! And it wouldn't be a big deal-before- but for the recent weeks I've been depressed over something I found out about myself that I feel too uncomfortable telling anyone in the family. I'm not depressed because of what I found, I'm depressed because I feel that I'm alone and I don't have anyone to understand. I'll back up in my story to give you a better understanding of what's going on.
I know all of my life I've had to live and deal with Aspergers Syndrome. I never had to break it to my parents that I had it. Actually, my mom was made aware when I was very young and it was she that broke it to me that I had AS. I was 11 years old when we had the conversation; she even printed up some papers of the symptoms. Some made sense, some didn't but there was no doubt in our minds that I have it. It didn't bother me knowing I had such a condition at all. I wanted to be different! Ever since I was little I always wanted to be different. I mean, it was the 'different people' that made the super heros in my cartoons! It was the 'different people' that I saw make positive changes in the world! As a kid, difference was a highlight of someone special. I never wanted to be "normal" in society. I still have this feeling strong in my heart today.
So, when I found out I had AS, I took it in a positive way that having this was a confirmation that I was and still am different. But it turns out, my difference stretches farther then Aspergers. Three years ago, I was made aware of transgenders. Yes, only three years ago-well, technically it was less the three years but close. However living in the southern states of North America transgender people are non too popular down here. What made me aware, is I had walked in the living room at the right time to catch a scene of Law & Order on TV my mom was watching. The scene showed what looked like the typical arguing drama in Law & Order, but in stead of the usual suspect man-out-for-money or woman-with-an-affair type of bickering, it was focused on a 15 to 16 year old transgender girl. She was in an arguement with her very sheepish mother and it wasn't until the mother said a line that puzzled me. The girl at snapped at her mom about going off with a boyfriend and the mother asked in that annoying high pitched clueless voice, "sweetheart, you're gay?" Of course that pissed the girl off so she whirled around on her mother and snapped, "I'm a girl, mom! A girl!" and I'm thinking, 'well, duh!' but I guess that made the wheels in my head turning because I paid closer attention to the teenager. I did notice facial features that seemed more....male I guess is the word. This puzzled me. But I just figured that she was born with both male and female features and was struggling coping with it.(though that's not neccisarily the case with all transgenders.) Well, my grandmother walked in the room and just asked mom the lazy question, "watcha watching?" and that got the ball rolling between her and mom about the episode. I was too shy to ask about the girl so I just listened to see if I'd catch a word that could give me an explanation. And...I did. The word 'Transvestite' rolled off of one of the womens' tongues; giving an answer to my unspoken question. The word turned in my head as I continued to watch the television screen. Processing...observing...naming. I guess the strange "scientist" observation trait that AS kids and teens have kicked in for a moment. A feeling after learning something new. That there's more existing outside of our closed in worlds. Hmm, well after knowing that the difference in that girl had a name, I dropped the subject for another year.
It wasn't until the year rolled around that that scene kept playing in my head. I don't know why. I wasn't thinking about transvestites or...anything related. It just kept playing over and over in my thoughts. I ended up just giving into this thought and actually looking up what I saw using the only word I was given. I did a little bit of research but couldn't dig into it as much as I wanted to. It was soon to be my 16th birthday and that weekend was going to be a busy one. I was going to get too much attention to escape for some time on my own. It wasn't instill less then a week after a turned 16 that I had finally really got to dig deep into what kept nagging at me and even facinated me. It was that day that it finally clicked. I had come across several definitions of 'transgender' and one of them struck me in a way that definantly grasped my attention right away. The definition read: when one doesn't feel their assigned gender. Growing up I was never girly. Ever. Actually, looking back I now know why it was so easy playing with my cousin.(a guy) if I wasn't playing with mud or deer antlers, I huddled up in my room playing with my toy dinosaurs and horses. Along with the rubber bugs. Following the timeline down to that moment, I asked myself a question. Do I feel like a girl? I thought about other girls and how they acted then compared them to me. Very, very, very different.
I continued to search around the Internet. Watching videos, reading stories, anything to find more. And the more a read, the more my missing peices began to come together. I knew. I didn't get any sleep that night. I was too excited and terrified to even think about sleep! Everything grew from there. Yes, grew. Not collapse, not tumble, but grew. Something filled in those holes and missing peices that I had ignored for years. And you know, a got a confidence boost, a security in myself that there was a reason why I feel so foreign around jewelry, fashion, facial and nail care, and more. Much more. I remember my mom fussing at me because I wasn't sitting lady-like in a chair. I took on a more guy-ish sitting position. I feel strange having to cross my legs and fold my hands. *sigh* Well, after that day of knowing that I am transgender, I've had to remain 'in the closet' for multiple reasons. I thought I could treat being a closeted transgender like I do with AS. Keep it on a leash and control it. Unfortunatly, that doesn't work at all. Not being able to express myself is really eating me from the inside out. I keep motivating myself but I find, that not am I unhappy that I can't express myself and am still seen as a girl, but there is no one that I can talk to. No one to understand what I'm going through. I know I'm not alone. I see people like me on the computer, but they seem so far away. That it's as if I am alone.
Well, I would type up more but it's very late over here and I'm extremely tired. My typing probably isn't clear but I'll probably add more later. This intro is most likley disorganized and crappy so I apologize. I typed this up using my iPod touch instead of a computer so reading over and correcting is difficult.

I'm glad you finally found this forum. My experience is pretty much completely different from yours (especially since I'm bi-gender, not transgender), but I assume the feelings are quite similar. Out of curiosity, do you suffer from gender dysphoria?

I wish you luck, and never hesitate to speak with someone here on the forum if you need help. I recommend talking to Jinks for any questions regarding FTM stuff you might have, he's very helpful and kind. I'm also open to PMs, if you ever wanna chat.

Yuugiri, I haven't looked into gender dysphoria, but I'll check it out. Thanks for the suggestions! Since I've found out about this server I'm going to be doing a lot of exploring here.

I don't mean to snoop or be rude or anything like that, but why have you stayed in the closet? Does your family not accept that sort of thing?

^ Well, given that they used the completely wrong word (transvestites are not even close to being transgender/sexual) to describe a trans woman on TV, I'd assume they're pretty ignorant on the matter.

I only ask, btw, because I'm curious as to what extent you'd want to take your transition. Would you remain pre-op? Would you take hormones? Or would you be fine simply with passing and not getting any surgery?

Good point. Since they are so ignorant about it, they might be very resentful of the fact TheBlueEyedAlien is transgender. And that could lead to a lot of bad things ...

No, your not being rude. Actually I was going to add that detail in the intro last night but sleepiness kept me from doing so. The reason why I remain in the closet and telling my mom (who is the only reasonable adult in the house) is because of the already present occurring drama in the house. My younger sister is pulling the whole life-isn't-worth-living cutting herself crap and is putting a lot of stress on my mother.And, weither they realize it or not, it's making me extremely anxious. I actually had an intense anxiety attack one day and it put me in a panicked state. I ended up having to calm myself down by getting on WP and listened to softer music to ease me back down. While I did manage to get that pressure off, I had heavy anxiety for the rest of the week. ANYWAY I'm getting off subject. The only thing I fear is that I'll add to my mom's stress by telling her. I mean, me not wanting to be looked at as a girl really should not be a problem but for some reason, people who don't understand treat it like it is. And I'm afraid she'll look at it as a problem which, will add more stress to herself. I didnt know it but I realized after having a conversation with her a few days back that she worries herself over me having Asperger's. She's known I've had AS before I did! Why would she keep turning it over and over again in her head trying to understand it? Asperger's is just too complex and alien to really explain what it "feels like" to have it to a "normal" person. And that's what is seems like she's doing. Trying to figure out how my brain works. And, I know why. She just doesn't know what to do with me. I'm saying this truthfully. My point is that I feel that if she still, after these years, can't figure out what to do with me with AS alone, then she REALLY won't know what to do with me when I come out as a transgender teen with AS. Now, I'm not worried about harsh judgement or being treated badly because that's just a kind of pain I'll deal with. But I hate causing someone else pain. I would hate to see my mom get so wrapped up and troubled about her youngest daughter having suicidal thoughts and her oldest daughter who already has a difficult condition but is also claiming she feels more like a guy. I'm dropping hints so far and I've told myself to wait to tell her after my sister gets straitened up. But to be honest...I don't know how long I can hold this any longer.

Holy cow! Didn't know I wrote that much!

Depending on the side effects, I would most likely take hormones. I've watched several videos on transguys taking testosterone shots and was blown away on how much change on that alone can do to you already. Completely transform a woman into the man version of herself. Haha, I was watching videos of a transguy doing a monthly blog of himself to show the gradual effects of the T-shots over time and he was explaining some of the side effects that he was experiencing. Like growing body hair in different areas, gaining muscle and just wanting to almost constantly eat because of feeling hungry all the time. The first word that I thought of while hearing this was, werewolf. Turning from woman to beast. Freaking epic; I started jokingly calling taking T-shots, taking the T virus. (only those who've watched Resident Evil will get this joke.)

I'm certain to the fact that I will get a lot of crap from people, and have considered the worst that can happen to me...but I really do feel strongly about this to the point that I'm willing to butt heads with society. I'd rather get beaten or raped for trying to express myself then to be able to walk through a self minding crowd and feel unbearably miserable in my skin. And, the best way I can really think of as far as going through bad things is to find and make friends with people going through the same thing and can understand.

Oh my. I hope that all gets resolved soon. I understand you reasoning perfectly - if I were you, I'd be doing the same thing.