Do I have some form of GID?

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I have long felt like there is something 'up' with me gender-wise. I feel androgynous on the inside and sometimes I hate myself for it. I really don't want to be male or female. I just feel so lonely and freakish all the time.

I don't care that I look like a woman. I don't care what pronouns people call me. It's about how I feel about myself. I have long hair and wear some make-up and I wear men's clothes or gender-neutral clothes often. That's how I feel comfortable looking and dressing.

I really don't feel like a woman - or like a man, though. I never have done.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. That's where I think there might be some 'disorder'. I don't know if it's a biological thing, or if I'm just being too hard on myself. I don't know how to stop hating myself. I see a pretty, feminine woman and part of me dies inside. It's not jealousy - it's more like a deep sadness that I feel. I think, 'that's how I should've turned out'.

I have a lot of love to give and I'm quite creative. There are better things I could be doing with my time, other than hating myself over something that's not my fault. It's always eating away at me. I'm an atheist, but I almost feel genderqueer on a spiritual level - for want of a better way of putting it. It's like it runs very deep.

My boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful but I still hate myself, regardless. I've been attracted to so many people that I haven't approached because I feel like I shouldn't due to my 'deformity'. I know the worst the could've done is say no, and I'm mature enough to deal with that - but I don't feel worthy enough to even ask.

Anyone else feel the same sort of self-disgust? How did you deal with it? Would therapy for GID help?

Gender identity is a spectrum, there are a variety of identities that aren't strictly cis or trans. Agender or gender neutral being one of them.

Also it's not gender identity disorder anymore, it's gender dysphoria.

Seeing a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria would probably help answer a lot of your questions.

I'm a bit confused by your post - you say you hate yourself but you don't seem to offer a reason why. Sometimes people with gender dysphoria hate their bodies or their social role because those things do not match their identity, in which case the resolution is usually to alter their presentation to feel more comfortable. However, you say you are comfortable with your presentation, so it doesn't seem to me that you are experiencing gender dysphoria. If I understood your post correctly, the problem doesn't seem to be that you have a problem with being biologically female, but rather, that you are unable to accept yourself for who you are, because you keep comparing yourself to other people and feeling upset that you don't fit the gender binary enforced by modern western culture. You shouldn't feel guilty because you don't tick a bunch of boxes which were entirely made up as human beings went along.

I think you need to think carefully about what it is that is producing your negative feelings. If you can simply accept yourself for who you are and cease to judge yourself, you might find that the problem is resolved.

Actually, I think it becomes very clear how much of gender roles are socially constructed if you simply look at how other human cultures have related to them. Many human societies have had (or do have) completely different gender expectations to ours, and many have respected and even revered those who were "third gender" or outside the gender binary. This was particularly true of ancient tribal cultures (such as the Native Americans) who were much closer to nature than we are. Speaking of nature, we also have some things backwards in comparison to most of the animal kingdom - have you ever noticed that everywhere else in nature it's the males who are supposed to make themselves look pretty? But aside from all of that, random unusual traits in a species are the basis of evolution. Without any "defects", evolution couldn't happen, and we wouldn't be here. If you look at it that way, the "defective" members of a species are even more important to nature than the "normal" ones, as they represent nature's exploration of the way forward.

Just some things to think about - it's important to let go of the expectations of others (especially if you have internalised them) and allow yourself to be the way you are.

Thanks for talking some sense.

I'll keep remembering what you said next time I get a hate-on for myself.