I don't know why this upset me so much...

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Well, maybe I have some ideas about why it did. Anyway, I just feel I need to talk about it. I apologise in a advance for the long post.

Over the past few months I've tried (without much success) some online dating. Anyway, at one point I got a message from a guy who thought some of the stuff on my profile was interesting (I mentioned my left-wing politics and he's involved in a lot of social justice activism). We chatted briefly and then fell out of contact and that was that.

A month or two later I went to a meeting of a local group for left-wing activism and discussion and happened to see him there. I was actually quite happy about this (although I found it a little awkward) because I thought "Here's a good looking guy I know is gay and has similar interests who I might have the chance to get to know in person and maybe develop a relationship with." A few days later he tracked me down on Facebook (I think he's involved in keeping track of the activist group's membership or something, so he had my name that way) and sent me a friend request. I accepted and I just wanted to check to see for sure if he was gay. However, on his profile I saw that he is in a relationship (with a guy, so yes he is gay). Looking on the dating website I saw that he also admitted to being in a relationship in his profile there and that all it actually said he was looking for was "Hang out." And actually I remember now seeing that before and I had figured (or at least hoped) he was just looking for friends, as that is certainly the case for some of the people on there. It was part of the reason I'd let him fall out of contact. I wasn't happy about this (some days it feels like I'll never be in a relationship) but what can you do?

But I couldn't seem to get this out of my mind. Part of it must have been that (a) there were hardly any pictures of him with his boyfriend on Facebook and (b) there was a picture at a protest holding a sign saying something along the lines of "LGBT supporting students: free love and free tuition." It was really bothering me that he might not be monogamous. Anyway, after a few days I sent him a message on Facbook saying hi and just acknowledging the fact that we'd met online before meeting in person (hoping that it might make me feel a bit less awkward about that aspect of things). I asked him, casually, why he was on the dating website when it said in his dating profile that he was in a relationship, and whether he was just looking for friends. He replied saying that although he was looking for friends he was also on there because he and his boyfriend aren't "100% exclusive."

For some reason this really upset me. I told him that no offence but I found it kind of strange and he pointed out (correctly, in my opinion) that there is nothing unethical about it if both members of the relationship agree that they can see other people. He also directed me towards some websites and a book about this (neither of which I have read, nor do I intend to read). I explained that I really wasn't interested in reading about it because I'm just uncomfortable with sexuality in general (which is very true). After several minutes of silence he asked whether I'd received an email from this left-wing group we're in, which I hadn't and which he forwarded to me, and that was that.

Now, for those of you that haven't seen my posts here before, you should be aware that I am strongly in favour of monogamy (to the point where I can't understand anyone would want something else) and am uncomfortable with the concept of casual sex. For some reason, the idea of this guy being in an open relationship really upset me. Far more, I think, than it would have to know that he was single and looking for casual sex. I've lost a lot of my appetite and if I'm not busy then I get really bothered but I also don't have much desire to do anything to keep busy. I was agitated whenever I saw him or read one of his posts on Facebook, so I decided to unfriend him (I think it's best for my sanity). To be fair, I'd get kind of nervous seeing his posts even before I realized he was in a relationship, let alone an open relationship. So to some extent I think that might have been me having a crush on him and also admiring him based on what little I knew. (I have felt this way before about someone for similar reasons.)

Also, I think part of the reason I'm so upset is that I was thinking "Here is a guy I can relate to" and then found out how wrong I was. Perhaps, too, it has to do with the fact that at first when I saw he was in a relationship I really envied him (or perhaps I envied his boyfriend more) but now I find out he doesn't take it seriously enough to be monogamous. To me, being allowed to sleep with other people really cheapens the whole concept of a relationship. And, I guess as part of my general romanticism, I feel as though if you're with the right person then you shouldn't have any desire to be with anyone else. To me an open relationship just seems wrong. Not wrong as in unethical, just wrong in the sense that I think someone is wrong if they say "God definitely exists." For that matter, to me it feels so fundamental that I think it is wrong in the same sense that saying 1+1=3 is wrong. Plus I just can't help but wonder if every gay guy into progressive politics is into non-monogamy.

Okay. This is a huge essay and I'm sorry to go on for so long. I just wanted to be very thorough and attempt to leave no room for misunderstanding. Even if no one reads this, I think it still does me some good just to get it all down and organize my thoughts.

You can't often fully explain your emotions with logic. So if you feel upset, you do. And nothing's wrong with that. I think I understand how you feel.

I tend to feel the same about monogamy. The idea of an open relationship puts me off. It feels cheap/sleazy. I feel that the idea of an open relationship contradicts the very idea of a relationship. I'm not saying that other people should stop doing it, but it's just the way I feel about it.

And I think you were probably disappointed that someone you liked (as you said you probably had a crush on him) was doing it. I think you had (have) a special emotion about him. That's why you feel upset. As I said nothing's wrong with you being upset. You need to time to let it pass.

Well, that was my view.

Thank you for the reply. I think you are quite right about why I reacted so badly. I'm starting to feel a bit better now, but I'm really dreading having to see the guy again at the next meeting. I've invited a friend from university to come along though and maybe having her around will make me feel more at ease.

This.

And I understand from videos that guys are naturally born to spread their seed. monogamy isn't really a factor in biology, when we gathered into groups of people then, and only then did it become a issue. just because he is gay doesn't mean he doesn't want to have lots of sex in my opinion. and If both he and his partner don't have a problem with it I wouldn't really let it bother you so much

Although, open relationships are very hard to do. and then there is the question of being safe, and knowing whether or not the other person doesn't give you an STD. I'd stay away from open relationships just for this very reason, because oh boy do people lie like all hell when it comes down to how much sexual activeity they have had

good luck to you

I'm not necessarily sure that I agree with your analysis of monogamy (maybe I'm just being sentimental...I don't know) but the rest of it I agree with and understand in principle. I think this might just come from seeing a lifestyle I disapprove of on top of the disappointment that this guy isn't a potential match for me.

Well, you do whatever is good for you. I have been in your situation before, online dating does not work. hell I don't know if anything works.


At this point, I'm not even looking for love. people are very wishy-washy when it comes to any kind of relationship and I dare say its almost better to be alone.