My stupid life

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I have had a realisation that most people aren't attracted to people; they're attracted to genders. I make the fatal mistake of doing the opposite.

My problem is that I don't do gender and I don't believe it's a real thing intrinsic to a person, just a performance and one I find a bit silly. When I did gender; straight guys and butch lesbians were attracted to me because I was doing 'femme'. Now I'm trying to be authentic, no-one is attracted to me. Maybe some other androgynous people might be, but those people are rare and I look pretty unattractive these days. Also, a lot of other androgynous people are attracted to others according to a gender code (despite not following one themselves), like the rest of the population is and unlike me.

You ask lesbians, or even bi girls, 'what type of girl are you into?' and the answers is always some variation of 'girly' or 'butch'. If you ask me, you get no such gender codes as a requirement. I'm not attracted by extremes of gender-performance - really butch girls and really girly ones, but other than that I don't care.

I wish I could 'feel' gender or at least enjoy performing it more, but I am f****d up from birth. I wish I actually was a bulldyke rather than this stupid androgynous thing that no-one knows how to read.

This crap on top of being autistic makes me very lonely. I have to swallow all this loneliness and hope that someone will be able to decode the alien signals I send. I hope that person will like me - in that way - I have no problem with finding people who like me as a person, but like I said, most people aren't attracted to people unless they're performing gender. Being a nice person is useless in getting love and sex - I'd have to be a nice soft butch, or a nice femme, or a nice girly girl - being a nice me doesn't work.

I also hate having different things wrong with me, too. At least now that I'm older, I have no interest in finding Mr. Right anymore. I'm actually content with being alone. Not that I prefer it that way; it's just easier to accept these days.

I've had so little intimacy in my life, even when I've been in relationships. It's not through want of opening up and seeking intimacy, it's just that no-one really wants me. I'm sad.

Well I think you are a adorable little puddingmouse.

That has to be the cutest profile I've seen. Nothing bad can come from that.

I can actually relate to a fair bit of what you are saying. Perhaps I can throw in a bit of optimism by commenting on a couple of your points:

These androgynous people might be attracted to a "gender", but if they are in relationships then someone was attracted to them. Therefore someone could be attracted to you.



My answer would be more like your answer, it would not be 'girly' or 'butch'. That's two of us in the world, there must be more.

Only know two other androgynous people and they're perennially single - and no they're not interested in me.

For most people, that's just their biology; it's discriminatory by design. But I'm a bit confused by the use of words "male/masculine" and "female/feminine" on this site.

For example, I can't imagine a relationship with someone who has male genitals – it's just my orientation that doesn't let me. But as soon someone's body is recognizably female and doesn't have anything specifically male, my orientation doesn't object and it depends on the person for me. And I'm pretty scared of overly feminine people.

Myself, I'm 100% male, I think. But there's nothing that makes me "manly"/masculine. I have long hair and absolutely no intention to develop biceps, I don't like competition or power and I don't eat meat. But I don't find anything feminine about me, either.

I notice a lot of people find gender more important than sex in terms of attraction. I know people who are only attracted to extreme femininity and they find that sort of thing much more often in transwomen than they do in women who were born female, so they prefer transwomen.

Even people who are only attracted to the same sex have a preference for which gender role they want their partner to perform. I don't perform either of them, so lesbians don't like me. Then there's bisexual people, who usually want their partner to perform a certain gender role, whatever sex they are (e.g. they like 'girly men' as well as 'girly girls', etc.)

Ugh. Neither gender or sex matter to me. I am a freak.

Puddingmouse, I think I might have a few things a little in common with you.

I am not interested in gender. To me a person matters more than the gender role they act out. To me a lot of the things that typify the gender roles are kind of boring and some are a huge turn-off. I am not meaning to say I have an attitude or want to put people who like the roles down. I don't embrace gender. Gender seems to be a socially designed construct. It is not natural to me, and in some ways I think it can be destructive. My mannerisms and dress look mostly masculine and rather androgynous, but I am not trying to be a man, and I am not in denial that I am a female person.

Also, it seems, very few people are attracted to me. I think my autism must be a huge turn-off. My lack of obedience to gender norms is probably another reason. But also I am probably a boring looking or maybe even ugly looking person, and I know I fail at a lot of social protocol signals. Aside from one person, the only people who have ever hit on me were usually drunk or desperate. That one person who liked me ended up becoming fed up with me over my autistic issues.

I'm also adrogyous looking. and fid other adrogyous girls attractive. I read one of your posts before it said you have a boyfriend. Excuse this reply, i'm usig a crappy keyboard.

It's an old thread, this. I have a boyfriend now.

I'm still androgynous.