Confused about my sexuality. Please help me

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Ok I am a female and I am about to be 18. I think I may be bisexual but I am not sure. When I was little (like way before i was supposed to be into boys/girls or anything) I always thought women were very pretty but mom told me that was normal. But as I got older and started dating, even though I was into men, I also found myself looking at women too. I think im actually starting to be ATTRACTED to them. But I don't know if I am bisexual, or just bi curious. I currently have a bf at tthe moment but i still cant help noticing these things and I am really confused. Any advice? Please be nice.

You could very well be bisexual/bicurious, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sexuality is fundamental to who you are, and so you will need to learn how to accept it and be comfortable with it. For the record: you can still have a boyfriend and be bisexual (I am in the same situation) just as long as you value your relationship as is and don't need people of both genders to be necessarily happy. Above all, be true to yourself and if you aren't happy, make changes.

You need to talk to your boyfriend about this and ask him if he would mind if you experimented with a female. Maybe you could even include a friend of yours in the mix when you are with your boyfriend. If he is ok with it, experiment and see where that leads you. If he is not ok with it, leave him and do as you please.

Hi, I learned from my own relationships that I have to take time for myself, to emotionally process, and also to engage in my own intellectual, artistic, and at times almost spiritual projects. I need to stay fresh and alive, and then I can come back and share. And my NT partners have tended not to understand this. Well, now that I know I'm Aspie, I think I can do a better job of explaining this, and with just more matter-of-fact confidence. And I think this is going to be an issue in most relationships between someone on the spectrum and someone who's NT, whether the persons are gay or straight.

I myself happen to be straight, or maybe, maybe slightly bi-. Saw this on the main board. And obviously I think gay persons should have the same rights as anyone else, including the right to marry.

I think if you can get to that zen place where it feels entirely okay to be straight if you are and at the same time it feels entirely okay to be bi- if you are, that is a pretty good place to be.

I think it's more difficult for bi people to come out to themselves because it's not as clear as being attracted to one gender only.

The usual bad advice for this common question is to try out a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex. I don't agree because if it's done like that, it's most likely the wrong person, which will feel wrong. We are not attracted to / compatible with many people, even if they're good-looking. Even straight people can find straight sexual encounters with the wrong person really horrible. Some people need to love the other person to enjoy a sexual encounter. It can feel meaningless, empty, or dirty (in a bad way!), without love or at least really caring about the other person. Another problem is that, as people who identify as bisexual often say, sexuality is fluid, and we may be more attracted to one gender than another at a particular time, so timing is also important.

I'm not saying not to do whatever you want, as long as it's safe and respectful (the other person must fully know and consent if they are just an experiment, and even then this can still cause pain and anger), but don't expect that sort of experience to answer the question.

A boring answer is that if it's long-term (e.g. years), then you can be confident it's not just a phase. Also pay attention to which gender/s favorite private thoughts are about. Something else that's often neglected in answering this sort of question is that it's about love, not just sex. Would you be happy and content in a long-term relationship with someone of the same gender? Falling in love with the right person is the best way to find out for sure, but that takes patience -- you can't force a rose to bloom by tearing open a bud.

Best wishes, and whatever the conclusion, you're a better person for being open to the possibility.

Hi norintha.

My opinion is that you should take time -- as much time as you need -- to work through your feelings **without** labeling yourself. You may need a few years (yes, years!) to feel secure -- and that's OK.

When I was 17 (like you), I also came out as "bisexual." A couple of years later, I began to identify myself as a "gay" man. But now, at 29, I do continue to harbor some very great feelings for some women. (What does that mean? I don't know.) These labels aren't as concrete as many people say. Sexuality can be fluid for some people. Taking time is perfectly normal.

Your comment "please be nice" catches me by surprise. Of course we'll be nice! And I hope your local friends and family are nice too! Best wishes and big hugs.

- Brian

Previous posters have had some really great things to say and I agree with most of it. I would add a couple of things though. One, you don't have to have sex with anyone to determine if you're bi or not. One's sexuality is not predicated on whether or not one has had sex with others (just think of all the virgins or those who are celibate yet who know their orientation.) Bisexuality is unique in that it is not binary and unfortunately there's a lot of misinformation out there. I'd recommend any of the sites on bisexuality like bisexual.org or the bi resource center out of Boston. There's a lot of sorting out you might want to do of your own feelings and thoughts before getting into a real life sexual experience.

You're at a very pivotal time in your life in many ways. I'd take my time.

Just to put my advice in context, I have known I was bi since I was 17 and now, over 20 years later, I am very confident in my sexual identity. I look at women I find attractive in a way that's definitely different than the way a straight woman would. I am married to a man but have had several girlfriends, including one long term who I was deeply in love with. Even with my attraction to women I am still really into guys. And I love it.

Bisexuality is a very odd thing. You can be ambidextrously bisexual (i.e., attracted to both genders) even though your attraction needn't be equally divided (i.e., not 50 per cent male, 50 per cent female). Or you can be a sort of 'bipolar' bisexual, whose sexual orientation shifts around over time (the classic example being Tom "Glad to be Gay" Robinson, who is now married with a wife and kids!). Or of course you can be anywhere between the two throughout your life.

My own stance is that everyone is at least potentially bisexual to a greater or lesser degree.

There is of course nothing wrong with being bisexual, but if you are in a relationship that you feel may need redefinition due to your new-found awareness of your own sexuality, then you owe it to your partner to explain the situation. If they can cope with it, then that's fine. If you agree that you each have differing needs and expectations from a relationship, then perhaps you ought to consider moving on from one another as partners.

My own experience: I accidentally came out to my first partner as bisexual and she was very unwelcoming of the idea, which put me straight back 'in the closet' for a few years. Once we had split (for unrelated reasons) I began to explore my gay side and had a lot more fun. But over the years, I've continued to have heterosexual encounters and/or relationships too. So I guess I am bisexual (80 per cent homo, 20 per cent hetero) although nowadays I self-define as gay because it's a lot less hassle to explain!

Some people figure out their sexuality very early on, some people take many years to do it, sometimes mislabeling themselves along the way. Bottom line is, it's OK to be unsure, and there's no easy way of being sure - one swallow does not summer make (either way), so even an actual experience isn't necessarily going to clear things up* (esp. if it's not enjoyable, as it could be because of your orientation, it could be something about that particular person or occasion, etc). On the other hand, is there any reason to be in a hurry to figure it out? My two cents is you should try to have fun, avoid as much as possible being pressured into anything (whether gay or straight) you don't really want to do/don't feel ready for, be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want, stay safe, etc.


*At least this was my experience. After my first time with a guy, I wasn't really any clearer on what my orientation was.

I've known I was bisexual since I was 13. I have a boyfriend right now. I've had sex with women but I've never had a proper girlfriend. As happy as I am with my partner, I still want to have a girlfriend at some point in my life. I don't want to do anything that would hurt my boyfriend, though.

It was easy for me to figure out because I'm not just attracted to both sexes physically, but emotionally, as well. This also sort of makes it harder for me to 'give up' either sex for the sake of monogamy. If it was just about sexual attraction, I think it would be easier, but I have this nagging need to be loved by a woman and a man. I have a very long term, very close female friend that I'm still hung up on. I'm thinking that maybe it'll pass or maybe I'll have to be poly-amorous. I told my boyfriend that I wouldn't mind him sleeping with other women as long as they were nice girls, but he wasn't having any of it. I don't really believe in monogamy but I might have to do it for his sake (and I do love him enough to do that.)

As for yourself, it could be several things:
1. You could be attracted to women only sexually but not want to act it out, so it would just stay a fantasy (this is really common and since most bi women seem to be in straight relationships, this is the sort of life they often lead.)
2. You could be attracted to women only sexually and want to act on it, in which case you need to see where your boyfriend stands on it
3. You could be emotionally and sexually attracted to women but not want to act on it (I find this hard to imagine
4. You could be like me and want a relationship with a girl as well, in which case things are complicated and annoying unless your partner is on the same wavelength
5. You could be one of those people whose sexuality is always in flux (moreso than others.)
6. You could actually be straight (how do you feel about the idea of lesbian sex? I don't care what anyone says, imo kissing and making out do not homosexual tendencies make.)

Oh, and I don't think everyone is bi.