Completely at a Loss

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Hi... a while back I created an account on this site. I really didn’t know what I was doing (saw things in a skewed way)… in some ways I still don’t (low self-esteem and not sure who I am). I guess if anything I’m looking for someone(s) to talk with about things. I have been in a relationship for 10 years. They haven’t been the best. It has always been a war with communication. I would ask questions, and he would get irritated by being riddled by so many questions. I just didn’t understand. I honestly don’t understand when I go into a department store to pick out clothes why some colors go with others. In other things, he will say something and I will interpret it differently. He’ll be like that was so simple to understand or it will be like “a guy your age should know these things and I shouldn’t have to teach you”. Needless to say, it has been a frustrating relationship for the both of us but we have stuck with it. I don’t know if it is because we are both “stuck” in a sense. Due to a series of financial setbacks, we are down to one vehicle which I use for work. He takes care of the home. Until we move from this state to a more accepting location with more employment opportunities, I don’t really see anything changing. He has already stated that he would go live with his mother if she didn’t already have a full house. In a way, we are functioning as roommates. I wish he would want to kiss and hold me. He wishes that I was normal thinking and normal functioning gay man. He has a friend he talks to on a regular basis. She lives in another state. She has kids. He has made comments that it is “normal” for a guy his age to have kids by now. He talks to her more than he talks to me. I feel like the third wheel in many ways. I also feel like a failure on so many levels. Anyhow, I am going off on a tangent. What does this have to do with Asperger’s? About a month ago his best friend told him that it sounded like I have Asperger’s because I struggle with what to say in social situations and there were other hints she said that kind of suggested that it might be the problem. I guess she knew someone that works with autistic people and had told that person of her best friend’s partner’s issues. I didn’t know anything about Asperger’s. I have never seen a psychiatrist about anything other than when I came out of the closet and dealing with the stress/anxiety of my family’s reaction to the news of me being gay (even though I have told them several times when growing up that I felt different). I started looking up Asperger’s on the net and even came across some online quizzes that I did. I scored high on the quizzes and many of the points that some listed out as traits of someone with Asperger’s matched with the “issues” that I was identified with having. My partner was like “finally we know what is wrong with you”, but that didn’t seem to help. He still made comments of “why would you think that way” or “why don’t you understand that was a joke” or “why can you make loud noises but have a hard time being around loud noises”. I bought a book that was a partner’s guide to Asperger’s syndrome. He hasn’t read it. I was hoping that would put it in a way that he would understand why I am the way I am. He said why should he read it if I am not reading about it. I am making an effort to read the books. It’s just so dry and I start falling to sleep a few pages into it I have been doing more of watching the YouTube videos and browsing the internet for information. I stumbled across this site in looking for support groups in my area. I did some searching for psychiatrists in my area. Unfortunately, there were only two locations in the surrounding area that are covered by my benefits. One is a yoga/meditation facility that I guess addresses autism through holistic methods. The other is an hour in the complete opposite direction of where I work. I am already an hour from home to go to work. I tried to find support group locally. It looks like they had them at some point but they stopped. Right now, I don’t have anyone to talk to about any of this. I tried talking to his friend because she said I could talk to her but I learned the hard way that it goes right back to him and he gets upset with me. He feels like any type of question will cause an issue so he doesn’t answer my questions. He really doesn’t talk to me at all. This morning he made a comment that “everyone” is moving to Florida. I was like who is “everyone”, and he mentioned that his ex is living there now with his husband, and they are very successful. One, I don’t know why he is looking up information about his ex. Two, I can imagine finding out his ex being successful and involved in many different things has him feeling really bad about what he is doing right now… taking care of a house and living with someone who is a mess (according to him) He made a comment that his ex was married in Disney World. I’m like how is that possible? It’s not legal to get married in Florida. He got upset by that question. I said you could have a ceremony there but he would have to be legally married in a state that allowed it. My explanation of my reasoning didn’t help matters.

Anyhow, I’m at a loss as to what I should do if there is anything I can do to help in these matters. Pretty much, our evening is basically I make my lunch for work and he prepares the dinner. After dinner, I go play my online games, and he chats with his friend on Facebook. Any time we talk turns into an argument because I understand something differently than the way he understands it. Anytime he says that he doesn’t understand why I would think this way or why I would think that way has me wishing he would read that book. I try to explain to him the things I found about Asperger’s and he tells me to stop using it as a crutch or he will look at me like I was making it all up.

Anyhow I'm throwing all this out there because I don't know what else to do... I am completely at a loss

I would recommend finding someone outside your partners circle of acquaintances and friends that you can talk to. You can sort of get that here, but I do know that there are some things you really need to ask in person and explain things away so it makes some sort of sense. Also using these forums and other aspie support sites, the turnaround on a response can take a day or two when you might need something now, but then again getting in touch with someone face to face may be time consuming as well. You could also see a counselor if need be. You are in effect paying them to listen to you and help you with issues.

A mental aspect that I've had to grasp is that I can't expect NTs to actually understand what someone on the Autism spectrum deals with. I say this from the point of view that sometimes we get our expectations up and it comes crashing down and if we don't, things don't seem so bad. Also getting surprised when someone does get it is better than being let down when someone fails to.

The support groups for adults are few and far between. This is something that seems really annoying to me. The only help I've gotten with support on my AS is through my psychologist.

It doesn't sound like you're really partners from your description. I do admit that I could be wrong and have misread your description. But it seems like you two just room together, and maybe for convenience or because of the one car, you just do the same things at the same time in close proximity.

Please forgive me in advance if I write anything that upsets you. I have a common Aspie issue of being blunt to a fault. That's why I don't give unsolicited advice anymore. But, since you asked, I really do want to help.

You are in a unique situation. You very well could be an Aspie. I mean, I can't say since I'm not a doctor or confirmed Aspie myself. But, out of all of the things I might write, this is the most important. Aspie or not, it looks like your partner is really just finding an excuse as to why it didn't work, and why it's not his fault. He didn't read the book because he's not interested in investing any time into working it out. He just doesn't want to admit that he's basically marking time until he can make a clean break.

So, be careful. He sounds like he's picking fights with you. The more you two fight, the less guilt he'll feel when he takes off. Or worse, he's trying to drive you past your breaking point so you'll leave first. Then he *really* will have nothing to feel guilty about. He might go as far as playing the victim!

How do I know all of this? I've gone through it the hard way, blind and vulnerable. This might be an unfair statement, but NT's have all kinds of complicated social mind games. I wish I could tell you the purpose of it all, but I can't. But, discovering the reason and figuring out the solution are often two different things. My husband and I used to sit around all day deconstructing behavior to try to uncover motive. It's often not their behavior that matters, but the resulting effect it has on the target. Usually, a master manipulator can get the naïve to play right into their hand, like a puppeteer.

And people seriously think I am paranoid? When cruel acts like this are perpetrated on the unsuspecting? This is why the world of NTs is terrifying for me.

Don't let him pick fights with you. Stand tall, and don't let him make you feel like less of a person. There is nothing wrong with you. Maybe you think and act different. So? Isn't that supposed to be good? If he loves you so much, he'd love YOU, the man that you are and not the man he thinks you should be. Did he ever consider that something might be different about him? Like Borderline Personality Disorder? It's not "normal" for someone to idealize and criticize their partner so much.

I know it feels like two against one because he has that friend. But guess what? Now you have thousands of friends. Don't feel ganged up on. We have your back.

@stardraigh, thanks for your reply, and yes, I wish I could find a support group around here, but unfortunately, they do not have any. Unfortunately, I do not have any friends outside of work that are not friends found by my partner so I'm not comfortable in talking with them. I do not have any type of "friendship" with the people that I work with... I just don't seem to fit in around them. I thought that if I got a game that they were playing that I could somehow be included. They just moved on to another game. I financially can't keep up with all the games that they play so that's out. I totally agree with you on the expectations. I have had that happen to me several times where it comes crashing down Yeah, it doesn't sound like we are a couple or anything... and some of my worries and concerns were voiced by emmyris.

@emmyris, thank you for your response and please never worry about being blunt. I am always accused of that myself. In fact, someone said to me "how is it fair that you can be blunt and have the get out of jail card because you have Asperger's?". And yes, you're right. I don't really know if I have Asperger's or not that's why it has taken me a while to post in this forum looking for advice. I was worried about being judged because I haven't received an official diagnosis. I've been on other forums for other things and verbally got trashed because I didn't follow some strict guideline as to what someone should be (ie, with some religions if you don't do something exactly the way it says then you are not truly practicing that religion). I really need to find a professional that can help me identify who I am or at least will be willing to talk with me(like stardraigh was saying). In the South, it's hard to find good healthcare... especially mental healthcare. With regards to the social mind games that NTs play, yeah, I'm way over my head with my partner. He was once a cop and has had mental and verbal training in how to handle people or make them say things that they normally would not say. When we have verbal disagreements, I feel so small. He will get me so twisted up in my thoughts that I just want to scream. And yes, I have had the same worries and concerns that you expressed. My thoughts... when we finally make the move to a more metropolitan area he will not feel "stuck" to stay with me and will leave to find someone else. I don't know. I may be completely wrong, but the thought lingers in my head. Unfortunately, I can't leave because the house is in my name, and he can't leave because he doesn't have a way to leave let alone have anywhere to go if he does. He does have a tendency of thinking that any time I ask a question that I am being insulting and obnoxious... like I am asking a question for some mean intention. I have told him time and time again I have no interest in being mean and I have no interest in starting an argument. I am just asking a question to understand plain and simple.

Here is a general question... is it typical for someone with Asperger's to have a question spawn more questions and more questions? I find I can't stop myself from someone telling me something... and then a question spawns from that... and then they answer that and I have another question... and it just keeps going on and on. Sometimes it is over the same thing... like trying to understand a concept. He has told me that I have a tendency of beating a dead horse when I get something stuck in my head. What I don't know if this is typical of Asperger's or something else.

Yes and no, It depends, maybe depending on what they're questioning.

I know for myself that when i get something stuck in my head or discover a new subject matter, sometimes I have to make sense of it and I will question away until I do. Other things I recognize as unwanted and do my best to divest myself of the stuck thought/idea or avoid the subject and no questioning occurs beyond maybe a generalized how long will this stay in my head.

In those situations where you have to make sense of it for yourself and question away, how do prevent driving the other person crazy... or stopping yourself? That's what I'm having a hard time figuring out. My thinking is that it just makes sense for me to understand something than to not understand it but I guess for the other person it's like it should have made sense the first time around. I don't know... :/

If it's something that can be researched on your own time, you could shift to that. If it's not then you may have to limit yourself to a few or single question and then that's it. Through observation you may observe the rest.

As a word of caution you will run up on things there is literally no way to have an understanding of, for example if it's someone elses point of view that drove their actions or a complicated science concept or anything. Also you may run up against things which you are woefully underprepared for understanding in the hear and now but years later whatever it was will be so easy to grasp and process that you wonder why you had problems with it in the first place. When these are encountered you just need to walk away from needing to understand here and now or you will cause yourself trouble. Sometimes it is very hard to realize you've reached one of these things.