Feeling "fake" for those who don't fit the gender

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I've recently come to terms with the idea of gender fluidity after spending most of my life feeling deeply out of touch with myself both as a man and as a woman. While I've become more comfortable as a whole and have been feeling more comfortable expressing them, dressing myself accordingly, and acting accordingly in my relationship, I've occasionally had something whispering in my ear that what I'm doing is faking someone else's gender, orientation, or lifestyle, since I exist in a state of fluidity, temperateness, and merged sensations while other people live them 24/7. That I'm just an x who likes to act y sometimes, even though my feelings of dysphoria have been severe enough in the past to prevent me from being comfortable during sex.

I also can't help but think l that not truly being able to mix socially on the same level of other people only further removes me from experiencing life and socializing genuinely in either male or female groups, and adds to the strangeness that is me.

I am no expert on gender or sexuality issues. My uneducated mind would guess that you should probably do what feels natural, and not try to fake act anything, and if it was natural, then you shouldn't feel like it's fake. If you feel like you are both genders, I don't see anything wrong with that.

I know with me, I can't embrace either gender of the binary in entirety because they both are very limiting in that you can't do or be certain ways if you are in a certain gender, and both genders also have social and other various expectations that I can't or won't perform.

I kind of exist somewhere near between the genders but have a more masculine appearance and certain behaviors, and my voice isn't girly. I have some parts of both gender behaviors, and I don't embrace a lot of parts of either one. But I don't like to limit myself in adherence to the genders, and I don't bother with a lot of the requirements either. My natural, which I think is kind of neutral or mild, is considered to be under the masculine in society. (I am not strongly masculine but I am considered masculine anyway because society tends to put neutral closer to masculine.

I guess I am a real a-hole since I don't conform socially. I have never been able to blend in socially with the whole gender thing. I have never been able to feel good by trying to be girly, and I usually feel awkward being myself because of the stigmas attached to being a masculine female. Sometimes it's nice when people think I am a guy because I can be more of myself, when people think I am a guy its okay for a while, only until they find out I'm a girl who looks like a guy (usually with going to the bathroom, my name, or etc).

I rarely have something in common with those who are transgender in my local community. Most of them have quite a bit in common with each other from how their childhood went, to life experience, health, interests, choice of activities. I'm an outlier on a spectrum of this group.

I know that having AS is probably the biggest factor, but there are quite a few other variables outside the AS that just don't fit a narrative the others have made up to account for themselves.

And that's what it is.

At first I had issues but I stayed quiet. Others would say the same things over and over that being transgender worked a certain way and only that way. Then I realized that I'm not them. They were selling a narrative that I don't fit with. I've had others get in my face over it and I've called the narrative out with others when they try to force me into it.

Doesn't stop me from being me, a unique snow flake.

There is nothing wrong with you that you just need more just because. There might be specific things that you find you need to exert a little bit more effort or less to get something done. As a word of advice and please don't take this the wrong way, but be yourself. I know you mentioned it. But by this platitude do it as comfortably as possible. Whatever clothes you wear or however you present yourself do it in a comfortable manner, whether it's physical comfort, or more abstractly emotional/mental. Yes you may end up out of your comfort zone when doing something you wouldn't normally do or have never done before. That's normal.

There will be exceptions due such as uniform requirements or dress codes, times and places where you have to do something you don't want to do, or things like exercise which you actually stress and wear your body to get stronger. But I can't stress this enough. Don't wear just anything or take action to fit an image that is physically uncomfortable, not your own, or of no benefit to you.

Initially I let myself be convinced by other trans individuals in the community I had to wear things a certain way, or do things their way, and I'd get hasseled if I didn't. My makeup was never good enough. One person would do it and it was well done, and the next transgirl would say it sucked. I'm not a full time girl yet. I have a lot of work I know I need to do and my AS f***s everything up. But there are days I still look male and I'm wearing 90% womens clothing and I don't look like a crossdresser. Maybe an effeminate gay male if anything which several people have thought upon the first time they met me. It's happened twice now where someone thought I was transitioning FTM instead of MTF. I have breasts that I can not hide unless it's winter and I can get away with wearing a coat or hoodie. I know it can get awkward when you run into people who can't label you and file your existence away.

Despite all the weirdness I am, It doesn't bother me that others may be bothered by it, because I know that if I'm comfortable and not stressed out panicking, then I'm good. If they take offense that I'm more relaxed and comfortable than they are. It's their prob I don't care.

It's good that you've found your boyfriend and friend to be capable to support you with you being you. It's taken me a while and I've made a few friends myself who I would probably describe to be the same. They support me in being me. It varies in effort, but it's there.

I hope that made sense... because I'm writing this out as fast as I type it.