For almost my entire life I've considered myself cisgender and straight, and honestly hardly thought of being otherwise. This is no doubt at least partially a result of the society I was raised in considering that the norm.
I'm sixteen now, and don't know exactly how I'm classified. At the moment I consider myself asexual because I don't feel attraction on a sexual level towards anyone, and I never have, although I'm aware this may change as I go farther through puberty. I legitimately don't understand the appeal of exposed skin or any other things related to sexual attraction. However, I do tend to feel other sorts of attraction. I occasionally see a guy I think is sort of 'cute,' but I think more of when I think that is caused by what they're like when I actually meet them. I've had friends show me a picture of a guy or something and be all 'OMG LOOK HE'S SO HOT <3333333' and I just kind of sit there going 'uh.' I can't tell what's attractive in human appearances. I have no concept of what romantic love would feel like, although I've experienced extreme affection with some people I know well - and I can't figure out if it's the romantic sort of love or just the deep love that can develop with friends and family. I don't see much of a difference between males and females in turns of who one would choose as a partner. I mean I prefer boys just because of the general traits a lot of them have, but I see no reason whatsoever to not love a girl simply for being a girl, and at this point I can easily see myself falling for a girl if she's the type of person I'm compatible with.
And as for my gender, I'm also sort of confused. I am biologically female and have always considered my self as simply a tomboy. Now, though, I'm beginning to resent the classification. I consider myself to be very androgynous in a sense, like I'm not a girl but I'm also not really a boy. I would certainly prefer to be a boy, but it's not to the extent that I would go through steps to truly make myself one on a physical level. That being said, as a female I've developed a tendency to always just wear a sports bra, and to put it at the tightest of the three settings. I'm figuring it's definitely a form of binding, because I do it because I don't really feel comfortable with breasts. I've had lots of thoughts of cutting my hair short (as in short-short), and actually went to a salon to do that a few weeks ago. Of course, I wimped out a little and just got it cut to my chin.
The use of female pronouns for me doesn't actually bother me. If I were to be referred to by male pronouns (which actually has never happened thus far because everyone knows me as female) I would probably be briefly surprised, but I don't see that bothering me either.
Pretty much, I don't feel like a girl, but I don't feel like a boy either. I just feel like a human and I'm slowly becoming unable to see the value in the sex difference.
If anyone can help to clear some things up to me, give me advice, anything, that'd be great.
22 Apr 2014, 12:42 pm
