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Hi everyone! Please help. My daughter has identity crisis and I want to help and support her. She has been very depressed but doesn't want to share her feelings with me. I always thought we were close and had a healthy relationships but she is scared. I notice a lot of little things about her and the more I see the more I understand she is not a girl and doesn't identify herself as a girl. I know she is scared to talk to me but I don't know how to start conversation with her. She is very unhappy even though she tries to hide her emotions. Please help. How can I talk to her without making her feel that I interfere. My heart is aching for her. All i want my child to be happy. This is all that matters. Help me guys. Please.

Tell her you love her, no matter what. Tell her that she will always be special to you. Hug her when you say that, and make eye contact (if she's comfortable with that). She needs affirmation of herself and your love, and to know that your feelings for her will never, ever change.

Identity crises can turn out pretty mellow over all. Sure I had a crazy time in school, though as a result it didn't take long at all for me to realize trying to model myself after the rest was wasting my energy. Stay on simple terms unless she wants your help debunking something.

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Is s/he autistic? If so, it might be helpful to start a conversation about the topic of transgender people, rather than go right for the personal disclosure. I've observed many autistics are much more comfortable discussing topics.
It might also be helpful to make clear that you understand the subject and have the interest and knowledge yourself to discuss it properly, and your daughter won't feel like s/he is having to educate you. Being able to hold your own in a discussion on the subject may bring out your daughter's feelings without feeling too confronting.
Also age may be important - if your daughter is an adult, your involvement may not be welcome at all. I know many people transitioning in their twenties who feel this way. It is too private and personal an issue to be discussing with their parents. As adults they are able to access the medical, legal, social and psychological interventions required without having to expose themselves to intimate family. Unwillingness to discuss it can be an indication that it isn't appropriate. If your daughter is a child or a teen, though, it may be harder to navigate being trans at that age and a parent's involvement may be more appropriate. I'd say go for the topic discussion, and make it clear you are LGBT supportive and nothing about your daughter being transgender would cause problems for your family. Hopefully a reassurance of your own perspective may be all that's needed.

Issues like these still have a "life or death" quality about them.

In the parent-child relationship, when you talk about an "issue", you can't untalk it.

That social dynamic creates an immense anxiety for the kid. A parent even hinting that they want to talk about "an issue" could result in emotional trauma for the kid who is a dependant. In the kid's mind...just one word to the parent about how they really feel could end all the security they've ever known.

As a parent...I'd back off. Your kid needs security from you, first and foremost, that's the main thing.

Good thing about the net is that it anonymously allows "freaks" to speak to other "freak's" so that they don't feel as if they're freaks any more.

Things seem a mite better when the "freak" realises that they live in a world where it's other people who are typically bigoted and ignorant that are the problem...not the "freak" themselves. Consequent social isolation in the real world though...never gets any easier to deal with, unfortunately.

Thank you everyone. Really appreciate your support. I am glad you all agreeing on one thing - not to interfere directly. I have a great news - last night my baby showed me the type of clothes we will be bying next time we go shopping. I was so happy. Felt like this was a step forward for both of us. C2v - i can only suspect that autism runs in our family (myself including) but no one ever tried to get any answers. I feel a lot more positive but worried about her / him being suicidal. (on tindr she identifies herself as they). I saw quite a couple of her /his drawings and they make me worry. I am also worried that as and when she decides to Come out to her friends, not everybody will be understanding. And I know for sure that her friends or some of them will be sharing with their parents. I just want to protect her but without her talking to me I feel helpless. The only thing I can do at the moment is to support her /him at home but I can't protect her from stereotypes still flourishing in our society. If you don't mind I will keep posting here. Sending my love to all of you. Thanks again. Speak soon.

Hi Edenthiel! thank you so much for your response. We live in Manchester and I will most definitely try to get in touch with mermaidsuk.org. in fact just was trying to join parents group but it looks like there are some issues with the website.
answering your questions:
They are just turned 16
from the very young age they never were girly but at the same time are very sensitive and soft hearted.
not very communicative in public and class. They have always had beautiful long hair but about 6 month ago they wanted to have a drastic change so off we went to a hairdresser, few hours later they came out with a short-ish hair cut. few weeks later they were not happy about it and during our last visit to a hairdresser they had their hair cut really short. I think for me at that point the picture started to become clear. they never liked dresses or skirts, last year, however they spent the whole school year wearing skirt and boys school jumper . this year they asked me to buy some pants and another boys school jumper. in the past we had no problem going into man's section and buying whatever they liked from there (t-shitrs, hoodies, etc).
I am not sure whether they identify as a boy (in fact I wouldn't say that as I don't know) but my gut feeling says that it is both.
when I noticed that they were constantly tired, locking themselves in the room and not being my happy and bubbly child I used to know I tired to talk and let them know that they can share anything with me and I always be on their side. that evening I offered help in tiding their room and wardrobe, my offer was accepted and I threw away the only 2 dresses they had (they were very surprised I think and happy). I also threw away all the clothes that I didn't feel suited them, which turned iut to be 90% of the whole wardrobe . I saw my beautiful child smiling.
I feel very positive and want to support them as much as I can, learn as much as I can and be there for them always.
I know that I am not the best conversationalist and don't want to do anything that could upset them, especially now when I can see clearly that my child is unique. I love them to bits and very proud of them. All I want is for them to believe in themselves.
I found a piece of paper with few scribbles where they talk about being suicidal and this scares me. I don't know how I can help so they accept who they are. I do have a feeling they shared their secret with a couple of friends and I am pretty sure one of her friend already shared this with her parents ( we briefly met at parents evening at school recently and I noticed there was some awkwardness in their conversation and how they quickly left). I am worried that people may be cruel and I am unable to help, guide and protect as they did't share their secret with me.

regarding the clothes - I know it was a huge step but I wish we could talk openly about anything.
How old is your kid? How did you find a way to communicate sensitive information? I would be so grateful if you could share your experiences here.

Inlove - pat yourself on the back for being a brilliantly allied mum, for starters. I'd say most parents of trans kids and teens are not half as understanding and supportive as you are. That fact alone will greatly decrease your kid from suicidal action. Edenthiel's advice is, as always, sound. Being able to clarify as much as you can for yourself while still being gentle and respectful will help you to be understanding on where your kid is coming from, and what may be waiting down the road re transition. Not everyone transitions, and especially many nonbinary/genderqueer/agender people seem not to need to, but then again, some nonbinary folks go for full transition.
Your kid knowing this will not freak you out and that you are supportive is huge. As to suicidal tendencies - being 16 might be enough of an emotional overload, but it might also be helpful for them to know what is going on - how they identify and what the options are for doing about it. Many of us didn't even know what transsexuals were or were aware that anything could be done about it - if we had, it's likely we could have skipped the despair phase altogether any avoided any of the destructive behaviours used to cope. Being aware of the fact that options are available, treatment exists, and you can do something about it takes a lot of the pressure off.
As to friends and their parents - this is tougher for kids. I think transitioning as an adult, you're a bit more aware that some friends won't want anything more to do with you just for being trans, and thus you're able to better cope when this happens, and accept it just as it is. But the result is the same - true friends who value them for who they are will understand and stick around. People of more fickle nature and less genuine friendship will slip away. Sure does show up who your real friends are (or aren't). That isn't always a bad thing.
Schools too can be very good in supporting trans kids coming out / transitioning at school by providing education about these topics and making the other kids aware that this happens and that's ok. If your kid supports it (ask first, when the time comes that you're both comfortable talking about such a topic) you might talk to the school about providing education and anti-bullying measures in place around transgender teen issues.
For both of you, too, a trans or general gender variant group might be helpful when you're more comfortable. For your kid to meet and connect with other trans kids and you other trans people and parents.
Hope all's going well!