Frustrating socialising in the lesbian community

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I am a les aspie and I find it very difficult to make lesbian friends. Many times I just want to make friends and find someone to chat with, but the other person thinks that I want something more. Maybe it's a woman thing to over-think and be all sensitive, I dunno..

I am alone most of the time, so sometimes I ask people if they want to go out. And then they misunderstood that I am trying to date them and reject my invitation, even though there is nothing to reject or accept. I am not asking them out for a date!

It is frustrating trying to widen my social circle in the lesbian community. Do you have a similar experience? How do you cope?

It depends on where you find the people you're trying to befriend.

I'm a gay guy, so obviously I can't speak for lesbians, but in my experience the vast majority of my queer friends started off as "friends of friends" - I only had one gay male friend 5 years ago, but nowadays my queer friends outnumber my straight friends.

Oftentimes a direct invitation to go out is seen as an invitation to a date, especially if you use "going out" as the terminology. Funnily enough, stating outright that you don't want it to be a date can often make people uncomfortable even if your intent is to achieve the opposite. So I often ask if people would like to "catch up over a coffee some time". If they react positively, I ask them if they're free sometime in the next week, since making immediate plans often doesn't work and makes people uncomfortable to boot. I find that taking a more relaxed approach puts the other person at ease, especially if they're old friends who I've drifted out of touch with.

As for friends in general, I think it's a good idea to stay away from anything online, even if you both agree that it's a platonic thing and not a romantic thing. Online personas =/= real life personalities.

A good way to meet new people is to join an interest group or something of the like. I joined a choir at the beginning of this year after taking a break from singing for a while, and in the months since I've made friends with two other gay guys and an ace trans guy.

I have not had that experience because I have not really tried to make friends with lesbians specifically. Maybe you should try changing the words you use when you ask people.

I don't know how old you are, but if you want a lesbian penpal, I am available. I'm almost 37.

True story from an aspie lesbian who has been there befor:

* Joined Meetup after (another) messy break up over 10 years ago.
* Signed up for a weekend camping trip.
* Did my usual "hyper-manic I'm sooooo-nervous-scared-freakedout" behavior upon meeting new people.
* Ugh, did I really start the long weekend off on a "wrong" foot already?

You know what???

* After all the drama of a lesbian camping weekend:
** stayed friends with some of the people (one friend even said she knew she would either love me or hate me for ever after the weekend)
** say hi! socially to others from the group
** was the first time I made friends outside of work and school
** two of my new friends also had family who were or worked with ASD people
* And, while they wanted to hook up early in our friendships, I was always clear that I valued their friendship above all else...

Will this happen on the first try? No, but if you don't try, you won't know who you could be meeting. It's hard. It's scary. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't. Stay positive and you'll find "your" group.

Good topic...thanks.
Making friends with other lesbians has been difficult for me, also.
I have had the experience of ending up in a relationship with a non-AS woman because she misinterpreted my intent. Me, being me, then got caught up in misinterpreting my own intent...'maybe I am wanting a relationship not just friendship'. What followed was fun for a while but ended sadly...'You are Asperger's you don't have emotions'.
I have also had the experience of missing an opportunity to date someone I was interested in because I missed the cues.
I like the comment re meeting someone via common interest groups.
The thing I have learnt is no matter what honest & open communication is essential, something I am not always good with. I try to put myself in a "performance bubble' the first couple of meetings. I can, most times, get a sense of whether we are compatible after two or three meetings (for friendship or something more if that is what I am looking for)
As mentioned, I will never know if I don't try. I have a cycle, where I make an effort to meet others then become discouraged & give up then go around again. It seems to be a two year cycle.
I have met & maintained a couple of lesbian friendships, for which I am grateful...They love as I am! I have also met some duds. Mostly though I have enjoyed the experience & learnt something about myself & others along the way.
Good luck with your forays out in the world