I don't know what's wrong with me

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Sometimes I AM a guy, completely, to the point that I almost came out to my mom as transgender. Then occasionally (like once every few weeks) I accept being born a girl and flaunt it? It confuses me - I had femininity kinda pushed onto me from a young age, so I tried to hide my thoughts that I should be a boy in the back of my head as a child, because I had no idea about LGBTQ or anything like that at all... I remember sometimes as a kid asking my mom to let me have extremely short hair, wear boys clothes etc. (this stopped as I got older. My parents are older and somewhat traditional - she says I pass too well as a guy with how I look now and that she "doesn't have a son") and from the moment I found out about it, the thought of growing a chest just kinda... disgusts me. I don't want this at all. But then some days, I feel like wearing dresses and putting daisies in my hair?! This only ever lasts about a day. It confuses me beyond belief. Sometimes I feel like there's just something wrong with me, and that I need to just pick a side.

Hi,

I am by no means an expert on transgender issues, and I know there are others on this forum who can probably give you more information, but I just wanted to give you a quick reply that it is possible for someone to be two genders and to switch between them. I believe that this is sometimes called being gender fluid.

If you would like to hear one person's account of this experience, I would recommend listening to this episode of Invisibilia http://www.npr.org/2015/02/06/384104070/paiges-story. I have listened to it and thought it good, and more importantly had a gender fluid friend who independently said that this episode was particularly poignant and validating for them.

Well, if you sometimes accept being a girl too, you're probably bigender. Otherwise, if it's just that you like wearing dresses at times, it's completely possible to be a transguy and be feminine. Gender is about what you feel like, not particularly what you act like.

What I can say is: your identity is probably still misted by your family's beliefs. For me, I knew crystal clear I was Gay/GQ since I was 9. But for you, this maybe much MUCH later in your future. There are some people who are 40 and still don't know what their identity is. Try not to stress over it. This will come with time.

And don't EVER let ANYBODY tell you who you ought to be, no matter how close they are to you.

Some guys on the spectrum (myself included) are more or less lesbians, yeah... doesn't make much of any sense to us either. Most of the girls I understand best are also into girls. I realized this, then the planet continued spinning.

As such my best advice is to just see where your brain conflicts with the rest of you and try to avoid categorizing yourself on that basis. Life is bizarre and confusing so I'm trying to avoid getting hung up on the most immediate facts of that nature.

your thing with not wanting to grow your breasts out sounds like dysphoria somewhat(i'm not a psychotherapist, so take this with a grain of salt) mixed in with the teenager's desire to rebel against your parents.

I'm not very good at directly replying to everything so I'll just put it in one big post. I also realised I made a mistake in the original post, I did in fact know about LGBTQ but it just sort of went over my head like most things do with little kids.

When I was a little kid, I was somewhat aware that I was not a typical cisgender girl. (I found out what trans was quite early - despite being traditional, my mother is very open about things like this). I was quite tomboyish when I was allowed more freedom with my clothes, hair etc. and always have had more masculine interests (though that makes no difference in my masculinity, it's still somewhat a point). I was sure I was a boy for a good amount of time until I was about 12, when people started encouraging me to be more girly etc. and I realised the divide between the genders. I was told to leave the other boys alone because "it gives the wrong message" and "we don't want people to think you're a sl*t" etc. I tried on being more girly, and though it worked occasionally, I still didn't "feel" it (you get me?). I always feel like a drag queen in makeup, dresses etc. and it feels WRONG. I get a bad shiver when people call me her/she/whatever, but then some days (maybe once every two months). I always assumed that maybe I'd just grow out of this and be "normal" some day, but the "girly" days are coming more far and few. Sometimes it's like there's a little voice in my head saying that I should stop being so dumb and just deal with the fact that I was born a girl.

A few things recently have helped me decide that I may indeed be trans, so I came out in early March to my mom. She's trying, but more often than not she says stuff which is very annoying and offensive ("oh I was like that as a kid, but I'm fine now" "It's probably just a phase" etc.) and claims that I'm probably not since I never told her before now. I've made myself a binder and I've started to pick my own, more masculine clothes and I already feel a lot better.

Yeah, I thought I should update on this. Sorry if it all doesn't add up, I'm just really tired rn

I think my best advice is not to see getting comfortable in your own skin as "dumb"; existential anxiety doesn't feel like it but it's actually strongly associated with intelligence. Everyone figures out their own body at their own pace. Chances are a lot of people here are actually behind you in that sense. Wearing the clothes you like doesn't hurt anybody and befriending the people you understand is 100% normal. If you sense any gaps in your life they'll probably fill themselves in as long as you're actually living the way you choose to.

i suspect that this was your mom trying to protect you, she was probably trying to keep you from getting hurt by some small-minded teenagerwhat you're describing(again, not a psychiatrist) sounds like gender dysphoria

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/gende ... -symptoms/
you sound like you've got a handle on it, despite what your mom said.

I'm a gay man who has always been comfortable being male and not very masculine (but also not feminine). I'm not transgender, so I am no authority here. Mostly I wanted to underscore what other people have already said: let yourself be who you feel like you are that day. If you feel different tomorrow, be different tomorrow. This can be tough to do because other people don't know how to butt out of your life, but it gets easier to do as time goes on.
It sounds to me like you are very much a boy inside, and you would probably be most comfortable being a boy on the outside, too. But if what works for you is a combination of masculine and feminine, then that's wonderful. You should do what makes YOU most comfortable.
I wonder if these 'girly' days are a way of resting. I'm not sure I can explain this right, but basically, you are facing the fact that you are a boy and that your family/friends won't like this idea. You face this all day, every day, and that gets really exhausting. I know because I went through the same thing about being gay in a religious family that would not approve. So, your soul or mind or whatever sometimes gets exhausted and can't carry that weight anymore without a break. It takes a break by giving in and not fighting against everyone's expectations of you for one day, just long enough to gather more strength to go on. Does that make sense? Basically, it's hard to be the person you need to be in front of all kinds of judgy people, and sometimes it's easier to just not fight it for a while. Eventually, you probably won't have any girly days at all because you'll be totally comfortable being your true self. (But if you want to be girly for a day, then be girly for a day! It's nothing to be ashamed of. If I wanted to be girly, I'd be girly, and that's nothing to be ashamed of, either.)

Also, I wanted to say that it sounds like your mom is in denial. That's normal, and it can take a long time for parents to come out of it. I'm still waiting for my dad, 17 years after I came out. The best thing you can do is be open but not pushy about it. Talk about how you feel in the same way you would talk about anything else; like being transgender is no big deal. That's what I did with my mom, and it really helped. She didn't want to hear anything about me being gay for a lot of years until I got tired of hiding and I started talking about my boyfriend the way my sisters talk about their boyfriends. Eventually, my Mom came around, and now she has dinner with my boyfriend (now partner) and me. But she didn't start opening up until I started opening up. So don't give up on your mom. She might just need a little time to process what you told her.