Was my disability aggravated by military service?

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I was raped while in the military. I don’t know why this is occupying my thoughts more and more these days, as it’s been over 30 years since it happened. It’s funny, I never really thought about my military service, so much of it is just a blur of occasional faces and places.

I joined the Air Force at 19 in 1984 to pay for my education and to travel. Being an undiagnosed autistic, I was so naive about real life and emotionally undeveloped. They shipped me to Lackland AFB where Air Force basic training is done. I can’t even remember my squadron number (began with 37 I think) or flight number. It was rough at first, but it’s very structured and that helped a lot. Since the female (Air Force was coed with the DI’s) drill instructor (DI) liked my handwriting I was made house mouse, which means I was in charge of filling out her paperwork.

Let me take a moment to describe where we were trained. Lackland AFB is comprised of a number of training squadrons, each of which has its own building. Each squadron is composed of a number of flights, each having its own dorm in the squad’s building. As part of the training, each airman is required to stand guard on a set schedule for 4 hours in the dorm. Also, when a new flight is assigned a dorm, airmen from other, more experienced, flights are loaned out to guard until the new flight is ready. Each dorm consisted of the DI’s office, living area, and shower/bathroom area. The living area was divided into 2 areas with 2 rows of bunks (don’t remember the number) When you have guard duty, you sit in the DI’s office (a window gives clear access to the living areas) and every 15 minutes you make a round of the dorm looking for missing airmen I guess (like I said, it seems to be mostly a training exercise).

So one night, about 5 weeks in, I had guard duty for a newbie flight. It was 9pm to 1am I think, I only remember that it was really late when it ended. The DI for this flight was working late because it was new and he had a lot of paperwork. He engaged me in conversation and I guess I admitted how scared I was and how lonely. When my shift ended he invited me to go with him to continue talking for a while. I tried to beg off since I knew I had to report in at the end of my shift, but he was a senior master sergeant and he assured me that it was ok. He had keys to the entire building including the empty dorms. Instead of taking me to the mess hall to talk, he took me to an empty dorm. I was really confused and becoming pretty anxious, but he kept telling me it was OK. Once we were locked in the dorm, he indicated to me to sit down on a bunk. He sat down next to me. I don’t normally care much about personal space but he was making me very nervous by sitting so close to me in an empty locked dorm. You must think me terribly naive, but I still was only thinking that I’d get in trouble for not reporting back. We talked for a few minutes and then he brought out a bottle he had in his gym bag and told me to take a few drinks. I had never had alcohol before since I was underage, but I remember how much it burned my throat. After some more talking during which I got dizzy, drunk I guess, and he asked me, told me really, but it was phrased as a question, if he could do something to make me feel better but not to freak out about it. I think I nodded yes, but I still didn't understand where this was going. I felt less anxious from the alcohol but was still freaking out about where I was and being confronted with an authority figure.

He leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. I was in shock and went totally numb. I had never given much thought to my sexuality, I was a virgin and never had much interest in sex. I knew I was afraid of women (a couple of girls bullied me all through middle school), but my only wet dream to that point in my life featured a red haired girl. Taking my passivity for consent, he proceeded to undress me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't disobey or fight him because he was a lot bigger and a superior to boot. The rules said he was in charge and you’re supposed to follow the rules. So I went away for a while in my mind. I suppose there was some pain, but one of the few blessings of autism for me was an extremely high pain tolerance. Afterwards, I heard someone rattling the dorm door. I guess it freaked him out because he covered my mouth and indicated for me to be silent.

He waited for a few minutes but the rattle didn't repeat. We took showers and he dressed in running clothes. Then he told me to sit quietly and wait for him to come back as he was going to see why someone would have tried the door. After 20 minutes or so of me getting progressively more and more scared (I thought I was going to get kicked out), he returned carrying a folder. They were searching for me all over since I missed check-in and trying all the empty dorms to make sure they were locked. Now I’m really scared but he tells me to take the folder, quietly head out towards the running track and then come back to the mess hall where he would be waiting. The explanation was that he had asked me to finish up some paperwork while he went jogging and that when I finished I was to bring the folder to him. No one saw me because I was supposedly out by the track searching for him and then went to the mess hall when I couldn't find him. It worked and I went back to my dorm and laid awake in bed all night trying to understand what had happened.

He was married with kids and said he hadn't had sex with guys for a long time, so was it my fault? Did I somehow lead him on? Since I got an erection and climaxed, was I gay? I couldn't tell anyone because it was against the military code of justice to do what we did. Who could I possibly ask for help from? I didn't want to get kicked out. Why would anyone believe that I didn't want to do it?

The next morning in formation, he actually walked up to our flight and my DI said to him “I heard you've been trying to steal my house mouse”. I hope it was simply joking on her part but it struck me that her tone seemed more disapproving then warranted. Does he have some sort of reputation? He then singled me out to come talk with him a second. He whispered asking if I was OK. Now not only ashamed by what happened, I was embarrassed in front of the whole flight by being singled out to talk to a senior master sergeant who had no business interacting with someone else’s flight trainees. I said I was fine and went back to formation. Fortunately the circumstances that allowed him to be alone with me were not repeated and I graduated basic with no more interactions.

My technical training base was fairly uneventful. I did learn that I really like the numbing effects of alcohol and I loved the way it made me feel confident in talking to strangers, but it was also the time I started experiencing blackouts. So began my self-medication. Sex wasn't consciously on my mind at this point (I really did have a low sex drive), and I was still really confused about my first time, but I evidently had some sexual encounters while blacked out.

I made it to my permanent duty station at Tinker AFB in Oklahoma City (remember that one of the reasons I joined was to travel? Well, I traveled 450 miles in a straight line north from San Antonio TX to Wichita Falls TX to Oklahoma City OK). I was an Air Cargo Specialist and Tinker was a major distribution hub. Not only military but civilian contractors worked side by side. After a few weeks I started making a few friends as I thought of them, but me being autistic meant they were at most, in reality, acquaintances. We would get together most evenings and drink beer, play cards and BS. One Saturday, everyone had plans but me and a civilian friend. We decided to head for one of the local lakes to fish, bringing plenty of beer and whiskey. We sat around and talked, he mostly bitching about his wife and me being sympathetic. After about 4 hours of catching nothing and being pretty drunk, we decided to head to his house. Since his wife was visiting her sister, he said it was no problem for me to crash there.

We drank some more and then he brought out a little bag with some powder in it. He asked if I wanted a bump and told me it was cocaine. He said it would make drinking easier. I didn't really want to do it, but I didn't want him to think I was afraid and a wuss. It was a strange feeling, it seemed to sharpen my mind and senses and left me feeling a bit euphoric. Then he went in the bedroom and came back with a video tape. He said “Lets watch some porn.”, another thing I had never been exposed to. After watching for a bit, me on the couch and him on the lazy boy, he stood up and said let’s get comfortable. He strips to his underwear and sit’s next to me on the couch and proceeds to talk me into stripping too. At this point, I was pretty sure he wanted sex, it was so like the drill instructor in basic. Well, with the booze and coke, I was feeling no pain and soon he was performing oral sex on me. I didn't really participate so much as simply let him do whatever he wanted while I watched the porn. Besides, I needed a friend and if this was the price of friendship then it wasn't too bad.

This went on for a few months and I got hooked on the whole drugs and alcohol with sex thing. I soon found out where I could buy the coke (and acid) myself and the guy who sold it also hustled. He soon introduced me to a whole new life. For 2 years I performed my military duties during the day and sold my body to old men who would have sex with me before going home to their wives at night for drug money. Obviously that is not something that can be maintained forever, and by the end of my 3rd year I was sliding downhill and I think a schizophrenic episode hit as well. I ended up with a general discharge and headed back home.

That has pretty much been that pattern of my life ever since. I don’t do the hustling anymore because I found my brain makes a lot more money and no one keeps a 20year old body forever, but no matter what I made or tried or wanted, my life would crash to the ground every 3 to 7 years and I’d end up homeless and trying to rebuild.

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ASD, ADHD-PI, PTSD , BI-Polar 2

Quetiapine 300mg Morning
Quetiapine 100mg Night
Depakote 1500mg Night
Sertaline 75mg 2xDaily
Bupropion 100mg 2xDaily
Gabapentin 600mg Morning
Gabapentin 300mg Night

Imagine my therapist's embarrassment when it turned out they really were after me.