I want to be anything BUT bi/pan/poly.

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I'm a sixteen year old girl. I have had some confusions of sexuality in the past, but let us be brief: lately, I have become attracted to and had crushes on both sexes.

What fun.

Essentially, my problem is just about two thirds of the girls I know, who declare themselves bi/pan/poly, and proceed to date boys and only boys. Although some probably do like multiple sexes, most seem content to have a heavy preference for the dudes, (even when they say otherwise), and could so very likely just be saying that they're bi/pan/poly to be trendy.

So what am I? Am I truly a bi girl, or am I a product of tumblr and my generation? Add in that I probably do have a preference for men, and I'm already loathing myself. I really want to have certain interactions, sexual or otherwise, with two girls who unfortunately graduated this year, but that doesn't reassure me after my lusting after five dudes. I think in part time of my head that I'm bi, part of my head that I'm hormonal, and my heart thinks I'm a faker.

If I come out, will I be labeled a faker? If I sleep with a guy? If I end up with a guy? I may sound judgmental, but it's so frustrating to see all these girls so easily slapping a label on themselves while I'm here killing myself over figuring out what I am.

I'd rather be gay, straight, ace, anything, besides this "I like girls AND guys" stuff. Can I become less self-conscious?

I think we worry about labels too much. We like who we like, and love who we love. Life is too messy to worry about proper labeling. Imho, of course...

Yup.

Seriously, there's no point in worrying about it. They really are just labels. Whoever you're attracted to... just roll with it. It's alot more pleasant than agonizing over it all the time. And if someone else has a problem with it? Well, it's THEIR problem for being a jerk, not yours. I dunno about you, but I personally wouldnt want to hang around someone so instantly judgmental anyway, so it really wouldnt be much of a loss; you'd just be finding out that that person is like that earlier than you otherwise would.

Now if I did have to suggest a label, well, if you've had attractions/crushes to both sexes, you're probably bi, and that's okay. Just go with it instead of wondering if that's the EXACT label needed, because really, who cares? It seriously only really matters to the judgmental jerks.

If you like guys romantically, you're straight. if you like girls romantically, you're gay. If you like both romantically, you're bi.

My "litmus test": Who do I want to kiss soulfully?

I feel like gagging/vomiting when I think about kissing a man. I feel those "warm and fuzzy" feelings when I think about kissing a lady. Therefore, I'm a straight man.

Yes, I enjoy the thought of kissing both boys and girls, but it could be hormones, or I could be projecting how I want to feel on myself.

I would say, based on what you wrote, that you're probably "bi" at this moment--though that could change as you get a bit older. Do you ever think about "making out" with girls?

I've never enjoyed thinking about kissing guys--ever! I had pretty decent "hormones" (and I still do!)

If you feel like you're interested in more than one gender, that is what you feel right now. I think being honest with yourself about what and who you're interested in romantically or sexually is a positive, even if you're young, even if you don't know whether you'll feel the same in a few years, even if it ends up changing eventually. IF the latter happens, that doesn't mean you were "faking" or you made a mistake, it means you discovered something different about yourself. You have no responsibility to appease hypothetical people who have a problem with that - if anyone does, they're unwilling to believe that you know your own experiences and what's going on inside your own head, and that's not your problem.

Why not just say you are straight then, and only pursue men? Simple!

Or...does that idea sound kind of ridiculous and make you feel like you might miss out on someone special if they happened to be a woman, or that you are being untrue to yourself?

If you have no idea if you would be being "untrue to yourself", that's fine, don't stress about it. There's heaps of time to learn more about your sexuality and preferences. You don't have to declare anything to anyone...this "coming out" business seems a little silly to me, I've never bothered with it as I don't see the need to make a special announcement about something that isn't much of a deal really.

As for thinking you might have a preference for males...have you thought about it instead from the perspective of "preference for traits"? For example, I have a preference for masculinity. I'm bi (or probably pan), but there are more males who I would be attracted to than females, because males are more likely to exhibit masculine traits. At first glance that might look like I prefer males over females, but that is not at all the case.

I say forget worrying about labels and announcements and just see who you fall for and see how it goes.

My type of girl is small and feminine looking with feminine styles and confident, assertive or "masculine" personalities. That being said, I was very attracted to a very patient and sweet but underconfident young woman I met online. (She is eight years older than me an straight, and my attraction was not based on physical things because I didn't see her IRL until I was very deeply attached to her and attracted to her. Besides, straight girls fall in love with other girls all the time...?)

I feel awkward talking about my female attractions to my peers, male or female, though the woman above was an exception. I blabbered about her just as I would a male crush, lol. My mom suggested that I'm forcing myself to be attracted to women, and that's why it's awkward. I want to add that I felt weird, like they, (my guy friends), would judge me, or think of me differently. As for girls, no girls I hang out with like girls.

I sometimes like and don't like the thought of making out with girls and boys. Sexually, I often get uncomfortable with the thought of myself engaging in intercourse, though with both girls and boys. I do not consider myself "demisexual", but with the exception of one boy, I have to know something about the person or have known them to be attracted to them. For example, I became attracted to a boy I saw in a musical, and my current male crush was a guy I met months before becoming attracted to him, even though looking back on it, he was always a very physically attractive and fashionable guy.

I am currently only attracted to a girl after my male friends pointed out how hot she was, but I like two more girls who they think aren't hot, and a fourth girl who I also saw in a musical, who smiled at me, and that sparked my attraction.

It's easier for me to start thinking about guys, and I don't know if that's heteronormativity or heterosexuality, lol. orz

It sounds like you're bi at this moment, or at least "bi-curious."

Your sexuality is pretty complex. Mine is really much simpler.

I hope you do well in your studies, and that you don't let these crushes affect your future. You will do better in the realm of friendship and love if you also do well in your classes.

But I don't see anything too "abnormal" about your crushes. You are a human being with a desire for friendship and intimacy. It's better than the alternative--not wanting either friends or love.

Bi doesn't mean "both equally at all times". It just means both... or all, depending on how you're going to use it.

I used to feel like I was torn between cultures because there wasn't a bisexual safe space for me, and questions on LGBT forums would often be things like "When did you know you were gay?" It didn't help that bisexuals would get associated with things like threesomes, being in-between orientations, etc. That went away with time and a little bit of talking to other bisexuals/pansexuals.

I think it is easier to date the opposite sex, though, as there are many more heterosexuals out there and it's assumed to be the norm.

From conversations I've had, (and those that I've witnessed), there appears to be a "two-sided coin approach" to bi-/pan-/poly-identified individuals: "[Bi-/pan-/poly-]sexuals don't truly exist! They are confused; give them time, they will choose eventually!" is one argument most commonly exercised by older and/or more conservative people. Contrasting this, "Sexuality is a spectrum; be who you are," is supported by Gen-tumblr and liberally-minded individuals.

Are alternate sexualities a trend, a product of neo-society? I think of them as more widely-accepted (from an American standpoint), but depending on one's "clique," possibly. Examples of emo/goth communities promoting such preferences over others makes such an answer plausible, and discouraging.

To me, sexuality is fluid and based on personal experience. One day, I may be talking to a girl and find that I'm romantically attracted to her; another day may leave me drooling after a particular blonde; a month later, I may find myself crushing on a particular actor. I've accepted (and rejected) advances from both genders, only to say that one should do only what feels comfortable.

Take-away for the worried spirit: The only boundaries you have to set for yourself are ones that coexist with legal mandates (Are you old enough for the level of intimacy you are pursuing? Know the age of consent in your area), and those that protect your wellbeing (Establish your [moral/religious] standpoints on [dating/relationships/sexual activity] beforehand, know the procedures of safe sex*, talk to your partner soberly about personal boundaries).

Peace be with you, as your feelings are valid. Likewise, suum cuique.


*Safe sex is not just limited to heterosexual activities. So, dear OP, curl up in a blanket with a warm drink and get cozy, because here is some reading!

Lesbian/Bisexual
- General info: http://womenshealth.gov/publications/ou ... ealth.html
- STI Facts and Compatibility Chart: http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/safer-sex-between-women
- Procedural protection: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/LGBhealth/Pa ... ealth.aspx

Heterosexual
*Note: Ask your medical care provider for free contraceptive supplies, including condoms, birth control pills, and more. Also be sure to resolve any questions you have on this topic with them, especially those pertaining to your physical health. (If you are still escorted by your parent/guardian to the doctor's, ask the provider to speak privately if that would be best for your situation.)
- General info: http://womenshealth.gov/hiv-aids/preven ... r-sex.html
- STI Facts and Compatibility Chart: https://www.healthed.govt.nz/resource-t ... -sti-chart

I had this thought.

When I was a kid looking at porn, I pictured myself as the guy. But it was actually structured to make it clear that I was supposed to be the guy.

Did I make myself into women?

I would say you want to be dominant in making love, rather than be the passive party.

Yeah this, a few months back I got really hug up on ASD label and it did me no favors. Labels aren't healthy, just do what feels natural to you.

Oddly, I've discussed this with my therapist. I have difficulty picturing myself with women now because I identify with them and have trouble "dominating" them. However, I sometimes look at a girl, my heart pounds, and I feel for a second like I NEED her. But it passes.

My feelings towards men feel much more steady, controlled, not exactly forced, but like I'm willing it and could stop without caring about it.

Both times, I get bored picturing intimacy of any sort in a matter of seconds.