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This is it, The day that I never thought would come.
The day my true hearts dream is realized. The whole time, as far as I can remember, I knew I wasn't the same.

Nothing seemed to fit. Everyone around me was puzzled by me.

Born not just the day Apollo 13 transmitted those infamous words (April 13th, 1970)....

"Houston, we have had a problem"

But almost to the minute, 10:06pm EST (9:06 Houston time).
I checked the NASA log once, it was within 5 min.

yeah, there was a "problem".
A little girl got some of the wrong body parts, was given a boys name.
She had to live undercover for 45 years. Fearing exposure and punishment.
Growing to hate those who she was imprisoned with, the boys.
She played their games, learned their ways, was able to speak their primitive language easily.
Always in conflict with them. Repeatedly abused, belittled, dominated. Even some of the older ones who liked each other became predatory towards me.

As time went on those out of place body parts started waking up and becoming a nuisance. They made me seek out a person to impregnate, something I really did not desire. I had always felt I had a different mission than that. It was confusing, I wasted many years in a fog of hormone flooded insanity. Even worse than the urge to do something I didn't have my heart in was the rage this alien hormone started producing. I started viewing all men as adversaries, to be eliminated. This rage was bottled, and compressed, and placed in deep storage.

Somewhere in there I saw a light. A secret wish of mine since I was very little was heard.
I heard about these people. They felt like they we're in the wrong body, and had found a solution!!
Time went by, and I heard more about this solution. It was a miracle. Some more people we're doing this.
I was around 20 or so. Having already been familiar with what has been done by then, I had decide dthat if I was to ever be able to afford it, I was gonna do it. But I was having a lot of chaos in my life then and such a thing seemed forever out of reach.

My life became hopeless. I had zero self confidence. I couldn't even look in the mirror due to how horribly deformed my face looked to me. Every time I looked down I had this obnoxious parasite laughing at me, commanding me to please it. The absence of female contours offended my sense of style, and all the hair was completely disgusting.
I could not properly communicate with anyone due to autism. And my senses were constantly assaulted from more directions than are recognized by science.

I could barely work. The onslaught of distraction from my auditory environment constantly interfered with my focus.
I was in and out of many jobs. I was in and out of AA for over 25 years. I went mad with anxiety as I maintained this secret girl life in solitude fearing exposure. The energy required to cover up something 100% persistent in my mind, and the energy required to mitigate the stockpile of rage I had suppressed with almost 4 packs of cigarettes day we're making me insane.

Over and over again I would suppress that girl, and embrace the male, trying to find SOMETHING that I could derive happiness from in that experience. All I found was hell.

yes, bonafide, darkest place in the universe, HELL.

4/20, 2007

After a month long 24-7 binge on malt liquor, I decide to drop a couple of hits of LSD.
BIG MISTAKE!! !!

For one....autistics....stay the **** away from any psychedelics!
Second, NEVER drop acid after a long alcohol binge and suddenly stop when you drop it. You will go into alcohol detox, shortly after the acid kicks in. If anyone is familiar with alcohol detox, you know it ain't pretty all by itself.
Now imagine the things I saw that night!! !!

in --- de ---- scribe ---- able.

remember in Star trek TNG when "Q" took the enterprise across the galaxy to see the horrors yet to come to mankind and they first met the Borg?

Well, I would have to use very high level mathematical expressions to describe the number of times magnitude greater the things I saw. Alien, dark, evil isn't even a proper word for that place. And it's out there, among the galaxies. in the emptiest places.

I was in the corner of the closet, hugging a teddy bear, crying like I never have before for my mommy.

It was still years more madness after that, the trauma of that and the insane place I was living. Arcata, California, in the infamous "Humboldt County" stung hard. I fled to Portland, OR where I am now.
(born in New Jersey, grew up in western NY, lived in Los Angeles for some time.)

Since 2008, my drive to go through with a transition stated increasing exponentially.
I had found a place to nearly completely isolate myself. In my isolation, I spent longer and longer periods of time wearing clothes I felt most comfortable in. I started breaking the denial, and investigating deeply the details of this "miracle" I had discovered so many years earlier and remained with me even in my dreams while sleeping.

I started looking upon my true sisters with more love.
I stated finding brave new warrior princesses doing as children what I had soooooooooo wished I was allowed to do when I was young. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. But it was still far out of reach.
I was aging, the effects of that nasty hormone had distorted my face and destroyed my voice. I had put on weight and nothing looked good on me. I was still wrestling back and forth, drinking to give myself false confidence to go out on several daytime adventures, full made up. The alcohol had to be addressed first. I was never really a drinker, I like to smoke things. Alcohol doesn't even work right in my body, I get the most hellatious hangovers, especially after that bad trip I had. Fortunately, a fight with gravity and a nightstand left a couple of nice 3 inch gashes on the top of my scalp to remind me what alcohol can do for a person.

Shortly after that a perfect storm of conditions came together in my life to enable me to begin building a cocoon for my metamorphosis. That long standing dream was within reach.

One day I look down at the scale. WOW!! !! I actually weighed the same as I did back in high school ! !! I was psyched. That afternoon, I was walking back from the store and just for the heck of it since it was very warm and they had a/c I wandered into a clothing store and browsed around. Not expecting to find anything and somewhat broke, I stumbled on this amazing size zero speedo swimsuit for SIX freaking dollars! It was a gift from god.
Excited I went home and tried to hold off til later to try it on, couldn't wait. Slipped that thing on, looked in the mirror and it was GLORIOUS! I fell in love.

With myself.

I could see beyond the ugliness that had built up as a thick armor and saw the real me.
And she is absolutely amazing.

That was it. The decision was made.

Nervously, I did something I had SWORN I'd never do.

Talk to another person about this.
I called my mom, someone who I love more than anything, she knows me better than anyone.
She already knew enough to know I had gender issues, she just didn't know the magnitude.
I came clean.
A domino fell in my head, a chain reaction started.
A weight started to lift off me.

I told my sister.
I felt even better.

I looked up one of my best friends ever and told her even more.
A new dawn had risen.

I am still fresh, very fresh.
The decision solidified just days ago.
Now I am on a wild adventure the likes of which I had never imagined.
I am both terrified and overjoyed. Excited and cautious, after all these are some pretty drastic changes that need to happen to my body to reverse the damage testosterone and androgens have done. And there is still a LOT of emotional, spiritual, and social preparation I need to do. I have some physically unhealthy habits I need to change.

This has given me a reason to live. Before, I was already dead, awaiting my release from this fleshy prison.
I care about my body now, I bathe regularly, I exercise, working on my diet.

Yeah, so, "Hello LGBT", ya got a new "T".
Been sitting on the side lines for a while knowing I should be hanging out with you folks.

It hit me.

I found my name.

But it's a secret
(hey, I'm the queen of secrets, kept one for 45 years)

I'm breaking it in inside, seeing how it feels.

I like it so far

We all have a bunch of bs to work out in our lives.
This bs takes us to hell and back, literally.

But I'm going to tell all of you who are completely hopeless, ready to give up on it all, living in that blackest void I briefly visited back in 2007, that dark, empty place furthest from any galaxy.

There is hope.
But it's going to be a very long and hard journey to get there. You WILL be put to the test.
The reward is worth it though. And you will be grateful for your trip through hell because you will be able to appreciate love like you have never before. REAL love. Pure, universal, omnipresent love.

Keep fighting as if you are writing the most awesome epic you could ever come up with.
For you are forging powerful spiritual tools that will help many others in the time to come.
And you will join an amazing family of beautiful souls.

I skimmed it because I'm tired.

Welcome.

Gay, btw.

Oh, and I whole heartedly disagree with avoiding psychedelics. I've never had a bad trip on anything.

I'm pretty much logging things as they come to me in this thread.

This is something else. People on the outside just think someone just comes bursting out in their most fabulous cheering "yay! I'm here!! !! whoo whoo!!"

no, not quite like that. At least not for me.

It's more like a nuclear bomb hitting your life.
I live a whole life holding this secret, this secret grows, & festers, I give up hope, I give up on giving up hope. I resign to the most null, not black not white, not any color, a place neither yin or yang. The void.

Out of nowhere, going about my fleshy prison sentence. Those things I had been suppressing, not telling anyone about, spending ALL my energy on, I mean ALL, the things that we're going to the grave (which seemed close). Came out. The dam burst. Trinity had been detonated.

As I struggle to wrap my head around this, I review my entire life, frame by frame.
When something like this hits someone they really seriously question their sanity.
I think about how PERVASIVE this gender identity issue has been in my mind is bewildering.
The whole in one form or another my conscious thoughts we're connected to this.
Everything in my memory is being flipped through and every thing I had struggled with, every bit of information I sought, the reactions of others, physiological traits, thought patterns, family history, esoteric symbolism following me around. It is EVERYWHERE around me and in me. too many "coincidences" to count. The pattern recognition system in my brain has gone out of control.

I start feeling crazy, my head starts to spin, I need to take deep breaths, I spontaneously cry every type of cry over anything. And I'm not even on hormone therapy yet!

Dust settles a little as I begin to wrap my head around this. Try to figure what is going on here.
Seems I have trying to figure out WHAT I am for 45 years. What they told me I was wasn't right, I always knew it, the feeling would never leave me alone, NEVER. My sole obsession has been to figure out what I am for myself.
Once a loyal subject, science has fallen short on me. The doctors had no clue. The shrinks we're just running con games. What little information there was was cryptic and sparse. On top of that there was a cultural HATRED of people like me the likes of which I could not believe making finding any objective research nearly impossible.

I forged ahead though. As if by instinct, in retrospect, I know it is instinct.
I gathered puzzle pieces, tried to make them fit in assorted ways, some did, some didn't.
I forged a spiritual toolkit and armor to shield me against the intense hatred the world had for my kind.

Things are starting to come together now.
but it is a very long road still ahead, pre and post op.
There is a lot of inside work I need to do to prepare, I need to heal the 45 years leading up to this point.
I need to unlearn old habits society has trained on me.
I need to be a pillar of confidence as I walk my family through something they are both excited and scared for me about.
I need to guard against fear, looking to undermine me at every turn and return me to my prison cell.

I need to talk to my best friend about this.
I'm not totally "out" until I let him know.
He's very open minded and intelligent, and even spoken of hypotheticals about me for some odd reason.

I don't have "those" kinds of feelings for him, I consider him my brother.
He's an excellent friend to everyone he knows.

So why the **** am I nervous?

Because he IS a really good friend and he will test me. He will play the devils advocate without even telling me.
He doesn't want me to make any mistakes, friends are like that. And being somewhat of a skeptic, he's pretty much going to require a PHD thesis on this.

This fuels my preoccupation with properly explaining this to myself.
You hear a lot of "phrases" and what are labeled excuses and rationalizations by society as peoples reasons.
Some have some very academic sounding explanations for themselves, or modern medicine as to why people like me exist.

But I'm not one to just let someone else define my reality for me, or tell me something contrary to my own experience in life, try to tell me I don't know what my body is telling me. Try to tell me my own memory is lying to me. Try to force THEIR idea of who I am upon me.

Science does NOT know everything. This fact pays their bills.
Not to mention most of what we hear is not even science, it's speculation on what's going on inside another persons head.

You tell me? Who has a better idea of what I am thinking than me? Only I know what it's like in here.

That was that life nuke, my research project finally had come together, I found the final puzzle piece.
It all made sense to me. When I placed it in, that's when that explosion of association began.

I know WHAT I am now.
And I like it very much.

Time to learn WHO I am.

Ok, It fits

What's my name?

uhhhhhhh.......me?

Amy

You'll like Amy, ....She's an artist.

It was that scene near the end of Toy Story 2 that inspired me.
It was "stinkey pete" who got stuck in the little girls backpack, and the very colorful Barbie said that.
My little cousins teased me with that name years ago, just after the movie came out.

That was my favorite scene in all the Toy Story movies.

And since I am quite an artist, and I can get quite stinkey sometimes.....


So, Stinkey Pete is gonna ride in Amy's backpack.

It fits.

I'm still breaking it in. That part of me is still pretty much a little girl, she got locked up decades ago and not allowed to become a woman. So for the next year or so, Pete's going to have to take care of her inside until she is ready to take her first timid steps out into public.

I actually have to be a "dad" of sorts to myself. Caring for and protecting this young girl exploring the world, tightly gripping my hand, hiding behind my leg.

I am going to have to use up my last reserves of masculine to get myself through this transition.

This really is turning out to be something occurring on all levels of my existence.

pfffft.... and ignorant people think this is just about wearing women's clothes or wanting attention.

Those folks really have no clue.

How blind the world is to what is going on right now.
This isn't just about me, things are happening all over, just read through this forum!
Miraculous transformations and great AH HA!! ! moments are spreading like wildfire.

Props to all of you!! !! Bra-vo.

And THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart, it is the bravery of the LGBT that served as a guide all these years. I may have been hiding, but knowing you guys we're here kept me going until I felt brave enough to join the likes of you all, every flavor of the rainbow.

Very nice name. It fits the era of your birth & doesn't come off as currently-trendy. It's perfect. I just found this thread and skimmed through it to make sure everything is okay. It's late, though, so I'm going to go back and re-read it carefully tomorrow before commenting further but I just wanted to tell you, congratulations and that I'm happy for you.

I'm taking a very spiritual path on this. That name and where I got it was a gift from above.
I also knew some Pixar people back in the 90's, my ex-fiance worked in the animation industry and went to college with about 3 or 4 people who worked there, including the guy who did the voices of the little green 3 eye aliens. I got a tour once, that was cool.

The whole stinky pete thing connects it all.
I smoke like a chimney.

I told my mom today about the name. She hasn't replied to my e-mail yet though.
But now it's nailed down.

Things are going smoothly. I feel better emotionally than I have in a long time. The lack of the weight of a secret is so nice. Sometimes I start to obsess too much on the surgery stuff, that's where any of my fears and apprehensions are. I'm really going to do some thorough research on doctors. One doctor who doesn't know their art so well and well, they don't make an undo button for cosmetic surgery. Though I think I only need some light smoothing, I already have a somewhat feminine face, just with 45 years of male skin care.
I've thrown people off my whole life. When I was a kid, I looked like a girl with a boys haircut. All the grown women gushed about how "beautiful" I was. A number of girls wanted to check and make sure I was one of them. Some kids even point blank asked if I was a boy or girl.

I was just looking in the mirror, figuring out which testosterone bumps had to go on my face.
I think once everything is done, I'm going to be happy with the results.

I would consider my body type a "good candidate".
I was even noticing that my arms actually hang like a female, elbows pointing further back instead of out like most guys.

Yeah, my "girl with boy parts" theory answers a whole universe of nagging questions throughout the years as I looked around and compared my body with everyone elses, physical traits, mannerisms, behavior patterns. So many things about me we're female, female, not cultural lie female. Time and time again things we're lining up more with the girls than the boys. Almost all my friends we're girls. I identified with them more. Most of the boys just wanted to fight. I was always picked on, taken advantage of. The more aggressive ones would just plain treat me like a woman.
...yeah, I have a LOT of healing to do on my attitude towards men. They abused me relentlessly for decades.
Women have always been my safe shelter.

I really think nature, for some reason, decided to swap out the equipment between my legs.

Well, it gives me confidence that this is the right idea, and I will be happy with the results.

It's still weird to think of ones self as what society would call a mythological creature.

The euphoria of discovering you *don't have to* live as you were taught is intoxicating, isn't it? For me, it was spread out over six or seven years, one tiny little realization at a time. But that first week, it was like I'd been living my life in a dark, loud, smelly, dirty factory for much of my life and suddenly found there was a door that went somewhere else. I opened it and found a grassy meadow, a vacant little house next to a stream, etc. etc.. Eventually the initial euphoria faded and I had to figure out how to fit this new person I was becoming into a life I'd already built. But even that has been fun, just...complicated.

Being NVLD, sensory, AS and the rest meant I couldn't follow the "typical" path of social learning when it came to appearance and social interactions. So, I didn't try to take that path. Instead, I spent a few years (my own personal timeline) focused on *unlearning* all those behaviors, attitudes, viewpoints, body movements, sounds, etc. that I'd consciously learned when I was growing up in order to stay safe. As I did, I discovered being myself came naturally, and I typically just blend in now. It was *very* much like growing a six year old sense of Self into a grown, responsible woman. And just recently, I started letting go of that guy that was watching over the process. Just a bunch of superfluous reactions & learned behaviors now...

So, what do you have planned for the next few days? What issues are you running into that you know you are going to have to deal with?

I'm pulling the plug.

This is TOO HARD!! !!

I give up. I'll just continue my life as it has been, how empty and miserable it is.

Anyway, I'll never be able to change my voice, it's too deep.

I will just suppress.

goodbye, back into the closet.
cant deal with it.

Too much of a rollercoaster.

Well, 6 year old Amy is freaking out right now.
Full on autistic meltdowns.

It's the autism making this all too hard.
That's what I can't handle.

At this point it's too hard to be either.
I'm just keeping myself on life support, thankfully I have a very loving and supportive family who have the resources to help me do this as I autistically find my way through.

They are very understanding and accepting of LGBT, my mom is an LGBTmom who always knew about me and keeps friends from this community, she's kinda been waiting for a while. My dad has tran friends in another city. So, lots of understanding there thankfully.

And my sister is a special ed teacher for 30 years working with autistic kids among others.

They are doing their best to understand where I'm at and we communicate pretty well for most families.

But I have difficulty accepting my dad. He sometimes crossdresses on his own with his friends, more in the past, he's 76 now and doesn't do it much anymore he says. But I had knowledge of this from my mom at 14. So it has been one of my main obstacles in all this. I just have extreme difficulty accepting him. It's like an instinctual repulsion.
It plagues me to this day.

I think about that and I just shut down and suppress.

I can't deal with it.

If he's going to be feminine, even as a man which he is. He's a fairly effeminate man. I've always had extreme difficulty with that as his "son". In my mind he must be a male, to see him as female bothers me like you wouldn't believe.

So much so, that I would rather just shut down and live in a box on life support and wait to die.

Which is my plan now.

My parents divorced when I was 3, and I grew up with my mom & sister, perhaps I somehow decided I must assume the identity of father, especially since my mom also had painted him so effeminate after the divorce. Taught me that effeminate men we're not worthy of respect.


My mom didn't respect him while I was growing up.
She does now, but the old wounds hurt.
I don't blame her, she was hurting then too.
But it set up a nasty mindset in a young mind.

"If I want to be respected, I must not act effeminate."

This is a traumatized post divorce 4 year old autistic making this up.

In the 1970's women we're rejecting feminine behavior left and right, demanding equal rights, behaving more as men, belittling the more feminine women, while painting men as monsters. My mom was part of a feminist group. I heard all kinds of nasty things when I was young. The 1970's feminists we're very angry.

1970's feminism accidentally hurt a young tran, delivering venomous messages.

They didn't have it right back then. They we're too angry, the "bra burners".

I know all too well the feminine world is not all "kittens & rainbows".
Girls can be just as messed up as boys.

Guess I'm mad at women too, I'm mad at everybody.

I tell ya this little girl Pete's taking care of is a handful.

I guess some autistic little girls get so overwhelmed they implode into boys.

Autistics are really good at getting themselves turned inside out.

Right now little Amy is terrified, hiding under a desk.
She only talks to her kitty.
<------------"Stitch"

He's the only thing in this universe keeping BOTH of us alive.

Cats really are the only ones who understand me.

Oooooooohhhhhhh s***.......... I just realized this is gonna be an Apollo 13 kind of transition.

My Oxygen tank just blew out!! !! !! !! !

Oh yeah.... REALLY FUNNY god....... L....O, ***** *****, L...........

My brain bluescreened due to autism.

Well,












This is going to be interesting.








Honestly didn't see that coming when I named this thread, honestly!! !

Irony.......

"Wrong Planet, we have had a problem."

My current environment:

I live in a box.
I have for years. I have retreated into a sensory bubble due to autism.
I have fans for white noise.

I live in a floating home on a river with my dad, the house is paid off and he's told me he's leaving it to me.
He has a decent retirement saved up and has absolutely no problem supporting me, he understands my disability and my problem with government assistance. I refuse to deal with bureaucracy. I think it is a sin. Even if assistance is available, I do not desire to be enslaved by the empire like that. I believe families take care of each other. Bureaucracies enslave. It's sad to see so many in chains. But that's off topic.

I spend much of my time studying everything around me deeply. I research things on the internet, learn stuff. Find and verify connections between that information. I have plenty of time to study.

I do spend a lot of time watching videos or playing games on my computer.

The last time I worked was 2013, for 6 months. In a kiln factory.
It was a sensory nightmare!! !! !
On top of that I had a pinched sciatic nerve killing my knee making a in and out onslaught.
Just walked out one day.

6 months in 2011 I was at a 7-11, autistic, you know.....
One day didn't even show up or call..... "blank them" I said.

on and on short jobs, autism drives me out.

I used to work on video games as an artist and build web sites in the 90's.
But that career is dead, too long gone, no portfolio, no resume.

I'm trying to write my own games, I have a ton of great ideas.
And I talk to my best friend across the country regularly who is also a game programmer and in the industry.
We have plans for many software titles.

If only I can focus enough to get the software written!! !! ! I have groundbreaking stuff built up in my head, just so dang wound up buried by the sensory nightmare in & out of my body, and all the internal processing of that data.

I have to get "my issues" cleared out.
My head is full. I need to clean it out to actually use it.
But autism keeps filling it up again.

Really my major issue is autism. I can do amazing things with the hyperfocus and the sensory stuff if I can actually focus. My hyperfocus gets knocked off track really easily, then when I get knocked off, I get mad because I was on to something good I was working on in my head. Happens all the time. I can't get anything done.

But I LOVE my autistic hyperfocus, I can drill through anything with it.
You guys know.

But I'm this little girl using a fire-hose.
I just can't seem to control it.

I go for walks when I need space, try to find more remote areas of the neighborhood where the sensory input is low so I can think. It's nice to be in the Pacific Northwest, I can be in deep forest in about a half hour driving.

I have zero social life. I hang out with my retired dad and talk to my friend in Los Angeles on the phone regularly.
I chain smoke. can't quit.

I don't eat much, but what I do eat isn't really that great.
It's too frustrating to cook, and healthy food is too much work.

I have a basic utilitarian formula of frozen meals and sandwiches.
I'm super pickey about food. I am aware of every meals effect on me, and stick to the comfortable ones.
Carl's Jr is my friend. I love cheezeburgers

I try to keep a simle life, not too many people to be entangled with. People really frustrate me.I've kinda given up on socializing. I HATE "chit chat", I want to slap people when they do that!! !
Most of the population are a bunch of simpletons anyway.

yeah, I'm also an intellectual snob.
I like to think about theoretical physics, genetics, planetary and galactic ecosystems, high level geometry, the deep esoteric meanings underlying everything. I glaze a lot of eyes over, or blow out circuits. So I keep most of it to myself.

That's fine and all but in my head I'm a jerk about it.
I walk around all day looking down on all the zombies stuck in the mainstream media culture. Willfully begging for their chains. Blinded to the truth of everything by a very corrupt and very old empire.
I really don't want any part of it.

I just want to be left alone so I can create art.

Those people can go play their games, they need to walk their own spiritual path.

yes, I also think of things in a spiritual context. I have a deep connection to the greater.
I was not chained by mainstream religions.

Nature herself is my teacher.
And I am very close to her.

I have found esoteric gender to be a guiding force.
In my spiritual learning, I placed focus on that.
The male female aspects of the world around us guide us.
They both have good and bad aspects.

People glaze over it, but the deep esoteric things mean everything.
The surface words are just decoration.

People are too literal.

Listen to that voice, the one deep inside, way down, at the core.
And it will awaken both male and female.

The real challenge is getting the two to agree on things.
That lesson is called life.

The great cosmic mother/father IS guiding you ALWAYS.

EVEN in your most lost times.