Homophobia in family

Post Reply New Topic

Okay I'm very confused I'm a girl and growing up I always had crushes on boys. When I hit puberty and high school I have a few strong crushes on boys. I mean you could consider me a boy crazy. But lately I have been thinking about girls and female celebrities how attractive they are. I have had a few crushes on girls and celebrities. I realize I have always had these feelings for them. It is just that I grew up in a homophobic jehovahs witness house and a heteronormative society "girls like boys not girls" " girls only admire or are jealous of other girls not want to be with them."sort of thing so I only thought I wanted to be like them not "like" like them which I did to a point want to be like them rich, famous, beautiful etc. So I chalked it up to that. But I also felt the same about my male crushes I wanted to be like them to a point. Also the whole being an "LGBT" thing being a sin. I just ignored until now when I had more crushes on female celebrities and school friends. I had began having feelings for a female best friend when I was 12. It made me more homophobic. When I got until high school I had the hugest crushes on two guys so I thought my crushes on celebrities and friend were just hormones. But then I got into the LGBT community online and starts to watch yuri "girls love" anime. Which me feel comfortable. My little brother caught me watch a kissing video and told everyone in our house. My sister calls me "lesbian" "weirdo" "freak" "fa***t" "dyke" now she even told my cousins and Aunt at a Christmas dinner. I feel humiliated, alone, depressed and still confused about my sexuality.

What do you guys think? I need support.

Hmm, I'm not sure what you're really asking here.
The first thing that jumped out was why was your sister badmouthing you to your cousins and your aunt at a Christmas dinner? If they're really Jehovah's Witness they wouldn't be at a Christmas dinner.
Anyway. I can say I too have an intensely homophobic family. One part is devoutly religious Christian and like yours, considers homosexuality sinful and wrong. The other are rural and redneck, who use anti-gay terminology like you're referring to - "fa***t," "poofter," "lezzo," etc as insults of the highest order, and find homosexuality to be disgusting.
Both camps know I am supportive of LGBT issues and rights, and see nothing whatsoever wrong with homosexuality, transsexuality, bisexuality, nonconformism and all things rainbow. They also suspect I am trans and queer, though it is not discussed.
If you're asking how to deal with having a homophobic family, I'd say it's one of two ways that I know of. 1) because it's you and suddenly in their world with someone they know and supposedly care about, their attitudes begin to change. They might observe how lonely and unhappy you are one day, and then also observe how happy you might be if you had a girlfriend, and they reorder their reality to acknowledge that maybe it's not a bad thing after all. If they are fanatical Christian like some of mine, however, this is unlikely. 2) you agree to disagree. You are what you are, you'll grow up to live your life as you see fit and love who you want, and it doesn't have to be any of their business. If the only thing that comes out of discussion is arguments and unpleasantness, then just don't discuss it. Even if you're straight, detailing the intimacies of your sexual exploits to your mother is still inappropriate. You don't have to discuss everything about your sexuality or views.
I go for the second option. You're younger than me but you're still a young adult. Your family don't have to be part of every aspect of your life. It is generally better all around if they can accept you, but if they won't change, they can at least (hopefully) be reasoned with to be more respectful and kind toward you, and just don't argue with you or attack you about it.

Oh no my family are former Jehovahs Witness but they still Christian in some way or at least believers of a god.

I just keep quiet about it and don't acknowledge it and so don't they it works for both of us. But that might change soon.

Do you have problems with independent living skills? Because if not, I'd recommend moving out as soon as you hit 18.

Yes unfortunately I have problems living alone. I am afraid I would be lonely if I lived alone. Plus I have a physical disability which would make it harder. I have always been sort of dependent on my parents so. Also if I move out how will I pay the bills? I am worried I wouldn't find a good job that is suitable for me. It's kinda like I don't want to stay but I don't want to go. I will just live here and just ignore them until I can leave.

Have you thought of making your own business? even something as simple as selling lemonade can help you find alternatives to finding a job. What the "physical disability" that makes it hard for you to live elsewhere?

And don't worry you're not alone in this plight. I've had this strong, intense desire to be a girl instead of a boy and my mother is already in denial. (My family is fairly Christian on both sides) She's goes like "no, but you haven't fully experienced what is it like to be a boy!"

...Maybe the reason why I don't know what is it like to be a boy is because I was always a girl by heart?

...Sorry if I went a little off-topic.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

If I were you, I'd be working on my strategy to GTFO and never look back. Figure out how to be independent, physically/mentally, and financially. See if there are social assistance (welfare) programs that would support you. Or seek some form of employment that you can manage, whether in real life or online. Work towards all of those goals & save every penny you can until you're able to peace out from such a toxic home and family environment. Meet new people, form a family of friends who actually care about you, and live happily ever after - even if it means living alone. That's what I'd be working towards if I were in your shoes.

I'm gay, but not effeminate at all (the most flaming thing I ever did was my hair in my avatar for a Pride fundraiser party I hosted last Summer) and I have very accepting family and friends (besides some crazy homophobic relatives that don't influence my life or decisions one iota) and so I never had to grow up dealing with that sort of crap. Plus they didn't know I was gay until a few short years ago when I was 30, anyways, and some still don't know.. anyways, I only had to deal with a few homophobic comments throughout my life, but not directed towards me etc.

Yesterday, I went on a date with a younger gay guy who lives with his homophobic Jehovah's Witness family. He didn't say too much about it.. but he didn't have to, what he did say was enough. He lives in fear that if his parents find out he's gay he'd be kicked out of their family home. (technically he's an adult, but it's incredibly common for adult children to live with their parents around here because houses/rent are VERY expensive so it's still a very real concern in his life) That s**t is terribly sad. I told him that as cliche as it sounds, "it gets better," and that once he's around different people - open, tolerant, accepting, unconditionally loving people - that he'll realize just how different life can be. I do hope he gets to experience that sooner rather than later and if I can be a part of it, by introducing him to some of my friends and party scene friends, then I'd like nothing more than to watch it happen. I felt like giving him a big *hug*, so, I did, because people who have to deal with that sort of s**t need a few more *hugs* in their lives.

Another true story: My 16yo 2nd cousin who has been being raised by her homophobic grandfather and great grandmother very recently moved out of their house and into a friend's family's home. She had enough of his lunatic rants and raves and crazy abusive BS. A year or so ago I commended her for being so strong as to put up with listening to his homophobic bs, as she's a lesbian. She didn't say a word, but did shed a silent tear. It was all she needed to say. She knew what I meant. I've taken her downtown to the Pride Parade in Vancouver twice now, which falls on her birthday, so that she can see what it's like to be around half a million people who don't give a flying F who you love. The vibe downtown during Pride is surreal, especially for a young LGBT person, and an incredibly valuable experience. I think it's going to be fun once she turns 19 and I can take her out to queer spaces like after hours dance clubs that have the Pride sort of open vibe all the time. Anyways, her life is going to be challenging for a while as she gets on her feet financially working part time at McDonald's while finishing high school.. and she knows it, BUT, while the struggle is real.. it's all worth it & I look forward to seeing how much she grows and changes as she matures w/o such negative influences on her daily life anymore.

So yeah, same to you.. it gets better. Do whatever hard work you have to in order to set yourself up for a happier life, even if it's without your family. There's no sense in anchoring yourself to them if they're horribly toxic people to your health and well being. You are not a ship. Be your own life raft and peace out to more tranquil waters surrounded by happy-go-lucky refugees who've also left their dead weight families. You'll be WAY better off for it. Good luck! And: *hug*:)

Yow, really sorry to see you're confronting that. I suppose I could be termed demisexual & even something that basic/ordinary is too much for most of my family to understand, save for rare instances of people managing to read into my social life (I know I sure don't even do so that often ). Where I live we have a few temporary housing places that try to help with this, hopefully your friends can fill in the gaps where you live...

I'm sorry that that is happening to you. I have to use a wheelchair sometimes because it is harder for me to walk. But I'll be fine staying with my family until I can move out with a friend.

Thank you! :hugs:
I'm so sorry that that has happen to you.
I mean my family isn't abusive or anything infact they are the oppisite they love me. But I still feel uneasy and I just want to move out. I feel like I'm being ungrateful but I'm just sick of feeling uneasy, awkward. I am thinking of staying here untill I get a bit older so I can get a job and move out with a friend.

Homophobia is often caused by people taking their (abrahamic) religions too seriously. As a result they believe that LGBTs are some sort of scum that shouldn't exist.

In the absence of religion, I see no reason to be LGBT-phobic.

Could it also be that people who had bad experiences with LGBT people can become LGBTphobic?

I'm sorry that's happening to you! It can be confusing to realize that you're gay or bi, and I'm sure that having a family who isn't particularly supportive of it makes it even harder.

I didn't realize that I was gay until I was 16. I'd gone on a school trip and was rooming with my best friend. She came out to me as bi and then we went to bed and I spent the night thinking about it and realized that I liked girls as well. I told her right away the next morning, and my hands were shaking. I didn't tell anyone else for two more years. My Mom didn't find out until I was in college, and it was hard for her. She's still trying to convince me to go out with men 6 years later :p But she loves me, so y'know.

Do your parents know that your sister's calling you names like that? Even if they're not really okay with you being lgbt, they might at least be able to tell off your siblings for bullying you? I guess the best I can say (and maybe you've heard this a hundred times already) is that regardless of what other people say about you, know that its okay to be who you are. Know what you like about yourself, and make your own opinion of yourself- don't let other people convince you that there's something wrong with you. Because there's not- being lgbt is great and being an aspie is great And I bet you're a whole lot more than those two things as well- I bet there's all kinds of other very excellent things about you As far as figuring out your own sexuality, I think it just takes a little time and patience.

Only if they are stupid enough to say one idiot represents all people of any type. If that's the case anyway, I would say it's a reason to justify something deeper.

I've bad experiences with every type of person I've ever run across. Some my fault, some clearly others.