Non-transitioners.

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For those of you who have chosen not to tranisition, what are your reasons, and do you think it's possible to cope and not be miserable if you don't transition?

For me I had to transition socially so the answer is no. I couldn't live as a male and not be miserable. Hormone therapy was crucial. Other people seeing and recognizing that I'm a woman was crucial. The part that may or may not be necessary is SRS. Hormones are necessary. Socialization as a woman is necessary. I can live without SRS but it would be nice. I want it but I don't need it in the same way I needed HRT.

It's possible for me to cope without SRS. It wouldn't have been possible to cope without hormones and a social transition. I need to move through the world as a woman. I don't need SRS in the same way and I can live without it but I still want it.

For me there's no point because as of yet I cannot give birth, have a period and/or possibly experience orgasms as good as those born female can.

Until I can be made "wholly" female then for me there is no point.

Also, I kinda feel like even if I could it wouldn't be enough (though certainly a start) I feel that I'd want to grow up again but as my preferred sex.

Wait until you are postmenopausal as then even cis-women can't do any of those things. Most cis-women pass their menopause at fifty, so you only have forty years to wait. As for orgasms, mine are as good as they come. Who is to say what perfection is.

If you are genuinely transsexual then once you have lived full-time it is impossible to go back. It's like a massive weight off your shoulders that you have been carrying all you life, and once removed no one will willingly replace it.

It took seven years after transition before I was both mentally and financially able to undergo surgery. For me surgery was a psychologically life-changing event. Post-surgery I became a different person, far more womanly with significantly less stress. Do not underestimate the effect it can have.

Oh my god.
(deep breath......)

Where do I start?

Well, for starters. Hey, what's up WP? been a while. logged out a few years ago after I freaked myself out opening up for the first time in any public capacity in a thread here on my gender issues. Everyone was wonderful about it, but I got all timid again and ran back into my little hidey-hole. And "chose not to transition" for the umpteenth time.

Thew out my comfortable clothes, again, and pushed "her" down, assumed my male armor and tried to pretend "she" didn't exist.

again.

"she" presents herself a little later. I do something to scare myself. and repeat the whole "choose not to transition" process again.

Some more time goes by and I find myself looking in the mirror, all prettied up ............again.

This has been an ongoing pattern for me. More than a dozen times in my life I have thrown out fabulous wardrobes (all worn in secret). SWEARING to myself that I'm completely done with that, for a litany of excuses....

It'll get in the way of a romantic relationship with a genetic woman.
I will never be able to afford it. (that's a BIG one)
The surgeries can be a crap-shoot.
Though there is lots of argument on the subject, some WILL be able to tell, even with the best possible procedures.
Even though revolutionary progress has been made in society, there is still a LOT of hostility towards trans people, and I get spooked really easily by some of it.

Conversely, due to the progress, I am also scared of the positive attention. All the "good for you's", and the "you look fabulous!-es" will be scary, I don't like being the center of attention.

And what about the attention I will get from men who are genuinely attracted to me, even though I will find most of them completely revolting? UGH..... I have a bad feeling in my stomach that this all will mean getting hit on by creepazoids. But isn't that a problem ALL women have to deal with? trans or not? Most men are just REALLY creepy in how they go about hitting on women. Not to mention I know all to well how hygene is an alien concept to men, really, it is.

Actually, I think I'm just interested in other MTF trans.

My family is very supportive of me, even though I rarely talk about it, and when I do, I speak cryptically. I can tell my mom is chomping at the bit for her "trans daughter" to come blossoming out of the closet. She's known this about me since I was a small child, when I started rummaging in her closet and trying on her stuff. She had sent me to therapists, never really prodding me to either gender. I never even spoke of it to those therapists. I have never spoken to any therapist about this. Only Wrong Planet & my mom are the only ones I talk to about this.

Back to my original point. Over and over again I have opted not to do this for a multitude of reasons. The big one I'm wrestling with right now is how to handle this with my best friend. He is that "brother form another mother", we talk about everything.

except this.

But he is the kind of friend that I feel out of level of honesty of our friendship that I consult him before I do anything. He's not that kind of friend that I show up after dropping off the face of the earth and announce my new expression on life. he's the kind of friend where I pull aside and say "Dude, I'm completely twisted up over something, I need some help out of this tangle."

he's a cool and open-minded guy, hetero, just moved in with his gf, has gay and trans friends. So, I'm sure he'd be cool with it.... what's up with all the fear? Maybe it's because the dynamics of that friendship are likely to change if I transition, and I just plain don't know how.

Bottom line it's all been fear. lots and lots of fear. More fears than I have listed. fears covering all aspects of the transition.

Then again, I have been doing this in a bubble all my life. I have never really had the opportunity to talk to too many others and quell those fears.

I am starting to reach the conclusion that "this" is not going away. No matter what I do. If I "choose not to transition", I have to repeat that choice, over and over and over. The issue is never settled. And it seems every time I "push it down" it returns even stronger.

Now, with this return, I find myself coming up with reasons TO do it.

For starers. Not to brag, but I lucked out in some areas. When my weight is down, I have really nice androgynous body, and good bone structure in my face. I had been gaining weight with age, but recently I have been getting much more exercise and I'm actually down to my high school weight ....at 45. Been looking at myself in the mirror and I think I could get some decent results with only minor work. And considering my age, I kinda have to jump now if I want a few "hot" years in there
(just kinda excited, it's been a while since I could get into a size zero)

So, yeah, look in the mirror and see something really nice and you say "why NOT???"

Also, I never married, no kids, only had two gf's, nobody now. I really am not very enthusiastic about having a romantic partner, ONLY if I find that "special" connection. But what I'm looking for is exceedingly rare. So this is really all about me and how I want to feel and express myself in life. I have grown very tired of bearing my male armor all these years, I would like to relax into a feminine life.

There are a lot more things in this tangle called "gender dysphoria" than I have spoken of, but know those of you in the same boat already are aware of that. It's lifetime, and it's friggin complicated, no matter how you handle it.

WOW, I cannot believe I just said all that.
Been spilling all kinds of beans lately, just had a REALLY open talk with my mom yesterday, it was nice.

This is getting spooky.
The past few weeks I have been facing these things square-on, and making a lot of realizations about myself.
Sometimes I get dizzy and feel like puking if I think about it too much.

Right now? It's more of a pre-transition limbo.
Waiting for my hair to grow out. I had it almost long, it started to look really great & feminine.
BTW, I was blessed with GREAT hair. It's grey early, but it's not falling out. Women stop me all the time and compliment it when I have it long. I look more like a platinum blonde. I just cut it all recently because it has been such a warm summer, I totally regret it.

I can't function in a general social context, so socially transitioning is a moot point for me. Though legally, yes, I'm out to everyone, changed my name, all that stuff.

I couldn't function socially as a young, attractive male. I certainly can't pull it off now. Looking completely female is bordering on impossible, and mimicking typical female mannerism is as impossible for me as mimicking male mannerisms was.

I identify as female in my own way. I love HRT, and how it affects my mind and my emotions. Though it did take considerable getting used to the mental part. The physical part is just awesome; I can be the soft cuddle-bunny I've always wanted to be; someday, someone might even want to cuddle with me

pete1061, I highly recommend you at least try HRT for a month. You won't go back. Not saying it won't wreck your life; it might, but you definitely won't want to go back I really had no social connections when I started, so that was a moot point for me. HRT changes everything. After 21 months, I no longer even quite remember what I used to be like. I read my writings from that time, and it doesn't even sound like me.

And while I can be intensely attracted to cis-males, I pretty much just gravitate towards other trans-girls. SRS is not a goal of mine.

I think it's just a matter of a cost-benefit analysis. It worked out for me. Others have different characteristics, and it might be worth it to them to stay cisgender. It certainly is not an easy ride, especially if you're socially broken to begin with.

I agree with much of what cinnabot said regarding hrt...*if* it is right for you, regardless of whether you transition or not.

For some people, certain endocrine receptors develop in step with their identity, not birth assignment. For them, things like serotonin can't be regulated with the hormones naturally or previously produced by their body. And that in turn affects the regulation of sleep, mood, thirst, appetite, digestion, immune and autoimmune responses. And did I mention sensory issues? For the first five days of my hormone week, my APD disappears. I can mostly handle the cacophony of crowds better (still don't like them but I'm not completely overwhelmed). And since I started hrt almost seven years ago, I feel thirsty, hungry and sleepy when I should. With the world sometimes feeling like it's attacking me from all sides, it's really nice to not have my body doing the same from within.

I tried to be a non-transitioner for six years after decades of full repression fell apart. It was six years of hell, but I kept trying until I couldn't any longer. I still can't pass for a neural typical woman, but that's okay because I'm not one. I'm an aspie woman. And when someone reads/clocks me, they just figure it's one more oddity about me. In a way, being both grants me a little more freedom, a little more leeway in behavior and appearance. I've learned accept who I am, all parts of me, and plan on aging into a quirky old crone someday.

Six flags has not got a thing against the roller coaster I have been on the past few weeks.

Decades of holding this in. Secretly dressing up whenever I could, since my early memories.
I should get a friggin Oscar for what I have been doing for 45 years.

I'm all over the place in my head right now, my autistic brain has exploded into all the minute details of the transition.
Really when genetic level (and I have a firm belief this is genetic) stuff like this gets autism. Well we all know the result It becomes the autistic obsession, or at least in my case.

As I have been paging through my memories in the past few weeks being a girl has been on my mind pretty much 100% of the time in one way or another. All my actions and motivations we're somehow related to my obsession with the fact that my blueprints do not match up.

And I have been really contemplating the genetic origins, because my father is a non-transitioner. We have only really spoken cryptically, most of what I know is from my mom. But considering that information, how else can this not be of genetic origin? Both me and my father are effected, independently of each other, my parents divorced when I was very young.

You can't deny your DNA.

So, really it's more of a matter of choreographing this. All my reasons in the past for not transitioning have been because I have not felt confident in my ability to financially obtain the right procedures, my confidence in those procedures.
I have monumental medical/surgery phobias, and a serious authority problem. So, I have a very difficult time with doctors.

So, really 3 things stand in the way of my transition:

1. My issues with my dad also having gender issues. And I can tell you, that one is a monster of an emotional tangle to unravel. You don't even know. To further compound that, I am living with him now, and will be for the rest of his life. He's 76, recently retired, single, and in my hair 24 hours a day. Choreographing a smooth, graceful transition on this stage is going to be a real challenge. I have some EXTREMELY difficult conversations I need to have with my dad.

It's funny, people fear the reaction of the hard-line conservative "manly" father so often.
My situation is the opposite. One would assume, GREAT!! ! it's must be so wonderful you have such a loving accepting family. Ummmmm, no, not so great. Especially when you have 30 years of confused pre-transition and non-acceptance rage built up.

You can imagine the things a 14 year old very confused tran goes through when they are told by their concerned, and really only wanting to help mother, that their father, who they already have a ton of divorced child resentments against, has the same thing that your young mind is struggling to understand.

"What do you mean?! !?? the guy I completely loathe gave me this thing???! !! !"
"The guy whom I want to be absolutely NOTHING like?"
"That annoying as **** dork?"

Maybe a decade later, I had the misfortune of accidentally seeing him in drag through the window as I was coming up the driveway. I nearly vomited. It made me think such horrible things about him and myself and us.

back and forth countless times over the years, I'd get into a phase of dressing up more, but then those ghastly images of my dad in drag would destroy my self esteem and I would try to suppress.

I don't even think he dresses up much anymore. He's pretty firmly accepted his male identity. He pretty much only did it in a theatrical context. But that's about the only way his generation could even attempt to express this. The concept of "transition" didn't even exist for a good part of his life. For much of history, our kind has lived in deep secrecy. Who even knows what the true statistical data is. How many people REALLY have been walking around with female DNA & male body parts and had no clue? There hasn't even been much of a cultural reference for people to even know something was up. We have always been the "different" ones, nobody knew why. Some cultures have valued us more than others. Anyhow, i'm on a tangent.

Basically, doing this around my dad is going to be a challenge to say the least.

There is also a fear of embarrassment from too much of a positive reaction from my family in general. But I am slowly opening up to both my mom & sister, so that I think is a non issue. I know they all want to help make this as comfortable as possible for everyone.

The other big obstacles, the "excuses" for not transitioning have been financial, I have serious career issues. hey, I'm living with dad at 45, he's supporting me.

Also, there's my medical fears. Which can be tough to deal with. I want to get facial as well as reassignment surgery. I don't think I need a lot on my face, but hey, I'm 45. I'd like to squeeze a few pretty years out of this.

That's another thing that has come up in the past few days. My age in this. I keep thinking back to ALL those times I had felt sooooo close to doing this, but for some reason didn't. Usually one of the reasons above. But there is soo much regret. I wish I was born a generation later. This is sooo much of a better time for this, you can't believe.
I see all you pretty young tran girls proudly coming out in college & high school (or even earlier). yeah, I'm lucky that I have aged well, but, wow, not to be conceded or anything but the first time I was "on the edge" of doing it at 19, I was f-in beautiful. I didn't even need makeup

If only I could turn back the clock.

But yeah, I will eventually look into HRT as I find a way to comfortably do this around my dad. I'm kinda scared nervous and excited about that. I wonder if I'll be able to grow a real butt?.... tee hee

After decades of using ALL my energy to hold this in. I don't think I can anymore. Not transitioning is destroying me.
I guess I'm just looking for a good place to build my cocoon.

And the social issues, what really is "feminine" and "masculine" behavior and mannerisms? I have no clue.
I just want to express myself however I am. No matter how I look, my autism confuses people.

So, I'm not going to worry about "acting" right, I'm doing this so that I can stop "acting" and just be myself.

I like your attitude on aging.
We aren't going to be your typical "old ladies", I can tell you that. 2050 will be interesting.

So, potentially hrt can help "fix" the auditory issues?
That would be strange. I can't even imagine what it would be like. Could actually be a potential problem for me. Even though the cacophony of the world is hard to deal with. It's all I've ever known. I have learned how to "see" with my ears. I live in a white noise bubble at home.

I guess we'll see what happens on hrt. Each person is different.

And that "leeway" is a great thing about being autistic. We aren't so burdened by the rigid social infrastructure neurotypicals live under.

One more thing.
In deciding to transition or not, and having children.
Things get way more confusing when this effects multiple members of an immediate family.

If you have kids, or if you plan to have kids. They have the same dna as you, and could encounter the same issues.

Personally, for myself. I'm not gonna have them, never wanted to. I don't think it's a very good idea for folks like us honestly. We have too many issues ourselves to sort out to be a parent, especially if a child is the same. It's good to have the support of others in the same boat, but this things just creates too many very difficult and painful issues for a child to deal with , even if they are not tran.

This I say as the child of a person with gender issues and have gender issues myself.

I can be supportive and a teacher and mentor to children, but I should not (even if I can, not sure) pass this dna on.

I could go into my theory on macro-genetics and species wide population regulation but that would be another section of the site and waaay off topic. The code I carry is part of the overall functionality of the species and is used on a temporary bases by the living planet, it's need not be passed on to another generation. dang, still kept drifting off topic, sorry.

anyway. mixing kids into all this is really tricky, be careful.

pete1061, when our first child was born the nurses all remarked on how "alert" she was. That's now known to be a possible indicator of a highly sensitive (as in no sense filters) baby. They aren't exploring; they are alert for threats from the over-stimulation. But she'd rarely make eye contact. Turns out she indeed has multiple sensory issues, some fairly severe, including my auditory processing delay. And she's on the spectrum, too. And brilliant.

When she was three, she refused to let us call her by her masculine given name, instead inventing a gender neutral one. By the time she was almost four, she let us know she needed to socially transition. So much is nature, but it's turning out much is nurture, too; how that nature is expressed. She's growing up in a very different environment than I did and simply doesn't have many of the issues I did/do about not matching my birth-assigned sex. Like many trans kids who are simply allowed to be themselves and supported as such, gender is no more an issue than for any other child. Things will get a bit more complex in a very few years, but she's aware and mostly ready. It's the A.S. and co-morbid things that gives her the most trouble, by far.

Would life have been simpler if we'd not had kids? Absolutely. For one thing I had no idea how loud they simply have to be. And when one of them has little or no empathy, it can be a stimulus nightmare. But we did have them. And we love them, very much. And because they have parents who for the most part understand, they are slowly growing up to be wonderful people who've been taught they need to live life the way they need to and can be happy.

We live in a much better time for this now, much better.

My issues really stem from the historical suppression of folks like us.
I know none of this is my dads fault, I love him.

I'm starting to realize that it's just my body raging out against maleness. It's no surprise that I have SUCH a difficult time with my father. I have a difficult time with EVERY man. And I have to look in the mirror every day. I have to use the bathroom many times a day. My hatred has remained fresh for so long, it's really going to kill me. It's not just against my dad. But in my attitude towards the whole world.

I'm not a "non-transitioner" anymore. The chain reaction has begun with my recent admission to myself.

And I have no idea what kind of a ride I'm in for

You guys are kinda witnessing something here. When I first replied, I was not certain.
Now, I have to do this if I ever want any life or happiness at all.
One just plain can not go on for decades with such rage inside, something needs to be done about that.

It's taking a lot of work to maintain my sanity right now.
I'm taking a lot of deep breaths and crying spontaneously at seemingly random stuff.

It's tough when reality hits you like a bullet train.

I've sat in family sessions with therapists and listened to my mom say just that about me as an infant.

And I remember as a child always feeling awkward with my given masculine name. I'd see it or hear it and it just never seemed to fit. It wasn't a hugely nagging thing, just whenever I heard someone say "Pete" or "Peter", it just didn't seem to fit for me.

But I'm no good with names in general. I can't name a dang thing. I have a tough time coming up with variable names in computer code.

I don't have a clue what my "female" name is.
I'm going to work with my mom & sister on that, I'll filter their suggestions after I'm on hrt and my feminine is allowed to shine more.

This is going to a bit of a tip-toe for me. I want to plan things well and dot all my "i's" and cross all my "t's".
My current phase is letting my hair grow out for about a year while talking to my therapist.
I'm shaving and thinking about waxing already. Been shaving for a while, now I'm treating my skin better and improving my hygiene, got into some pretty lazy habits. Thinking about body wax. Money is tight, so I'm looking at availble products and services, doing my homework. Kinda scared of waxing though, looks like it hurts.

I've always had naturally very soft and delicate skin. Everything messes with it. Earrings are tricky for me.... my mom & my sister too. Almost every metal irritates my skin. Practically everything irritates my skin. Both the women I have been with intimately have commented on how unusually soft my skin & hair were, they liked it, but we're surprised to discover it like that. Even without shaving or lotions.

I'm looking forward to the results of longer term good skin care, I'm already noticing an improvement.

I don't think of it as the tired out "woman trapped in a mans body"
I'm a girl who got stuck with testicles instead of ovaries.
I'm sure there is all kinds of medical things to verify the details of that assertion, but I don't need validation, Only I know what I feel. And I know it is within the realm of genetic possibility.

Another thing that came to me, it's a little personal, but hopefully I can phrase this for polite audience.
As far back as I can remember, I had payed a lot of attention "down there", if you know what I mean.
I only know my own experience but I don't think toddlers do that as much as I did. Just thinking back in deep memories, things come back to me during times I was by myself. So even before I knew how to dress myself, I think something was going on. But I was very young and those memories are filed a little differently. Yeah, I can remember back to infancy, and have found some interesting things in deep regression therapy even further back. But even before I knew meditation, I could remember quite early. I remember playing dress up with some girls at about 3 or 4. That wasn't the last time in childhood either. I played mostly with the girls. It was the 70's so boys were scorned form dolls and doll houses, but I made do with action figures and legos. Built my own dollhouses.
I added on to and decorated my death star playset , in boy style of course as not to arouse suspicion, I was 12 already well aware that I need to "act like a boy" or risk harsh punishment from the other kids.

My family may have been open minded and didn't push gender, but the surrounding culture of the 70's sure did.
Though a progressive time, "men" and "women", "boys" and "girls" we're still quite rigidly defined.
"Corporal Klinger" on M.A.S.H. was all people knew. and he was supposed to be CRAZY!! !! !! !! ! That is, if he really we're a transgender, but, since he was just trying to "fool" the army, they disregarded him as just trying to escape the war.

That show is somewhat of a mockery of folks like us. That was the attitude back then.
Even at a very young age, I knew I had to keep "this thing" under wraps. I didn't want to be laughed at like those characters on TV.

Your daughter doesn't know how lucky she is.
Which is good because she can be more purely herself.

That wasn't possible in 1975.

Childhood was actually kinda fun. Then puberty hit and my 30 years of testosterone therapy began.

It's wonderful that now families are recognizing this so early, hopefully prevent the madness of having the wrong hormones in bodies like mine.

My family always knew something was quite "different" about me, but we could never put our finger on it.
Both autism and gender issues were quite poorly understood up until very recently.
I've always been the "family project".... "whats wrong with pete?"... decades of that.

Now, finally, puzzle pieces are falling into place.
Revealing quite a beautiful picture.

Congratulations, Pete1061. I'd like to say much more but it seems like thread-jacking.
Any chance of starting a, "Pete's Transition Thread"?

Good idea. I was starting feel like like I was doing that, sorry.
Things come flooding out when a dam bursts.

BTW, just curious, what are your daughters sleeping habits like?
I have always been a night person. When I was a toddler, my parents had to put a latch on my bedroom door because I'd get up, climb out of my crib, go downstairs, rummage around or maybe attempt to get the front door unlocked so I can explore the neighborhood. Kinda spooked them when I tried to go outside for a walk in the middle of the night.

I still love 3am walks.
The night is sooooo peaceful.