Trans-aspies: Have you been disowned?

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Have any of you been disowned by your families for being trans?

I am an adult and live in my own house, but I still rely on my parents for social/emotional and sometimes financial support. I'm scared if they find out I'm trans and disown me, I won't be able to cope without them.

As a trans-aspie and parent of one, I've talked to a number of trans people, and parents of trans people (though most of the latter are parents of kids & young adults). By and large, it seems to come down to how rigid the parents' reliance on strict gender roles are. But usually in all but the most conservative &/or religious of parents, at least one parent does not shut out their own child. But, it does happen. Have they given any indication that they would?

I got off pretty easy. But my parents sometimes think of it as a passing interest or a pathology they hope I grow out of. They are starting to accept it and I know they love me. But I have it much better than my friends. I've had to take in one because her patents disinherited her

Until not so many years ago, mine lived in a world where being gay was a sin that would result in spending eternity in Hell & being trans was a pathology worthy of being institutionalized. But they came around. They still don't actually understand it, but then they don't actually understand germ theory in a practical sense either, despite being intelligent and educated. Or using a phone or computer for that matter. They mix and match names and pronouns, but generally really do abide by their stated wish for me to finally be happy with who I am.

I've known a few people who were disowned and they said that in retrospect it was sadly worth it...eventually. It was hard for them because they had become emotionally dependent on their family of origin and were quite enmeshed. When they speak of it now, they can't believe they didn't know earlier that they could be happier and feel more secure.

I think it depends on each individual and their circumstances, upbringing, culture, and worldview. Some people have more problems with deeply religious families, but some people find allies in their families even if they start out transphobic, because suddenly it's their kid and therefore, their concern as well. It seems to also depend on your relationship with your parents. If you're close to them, it's likely they already suspect you don't conform to your gender stereotype and if they still keep contact with you despite that, it's a good indication they won't react in the extreme way of disowning you.
Here's a thought though - if you are an adult and independent, why would they have to find out? I'm notoriously against this "coming out" business transpeople seem to think is obligatory. It's not. For some transpeople, transition and gender identity is an extremely personal issue. In the same way as you wouldn't start detailing the intimate nature of your sex life to your parents, as an adult they really don't have to know. For myself, this is the way it's handled (or rather not handled.) it is simply something that is not appropriate to discuss. Would they disown me if I randomly "came out" and felt the need to rub my personal business in their faces? Probably not. Would it help us at all in our relations with each other? Absolutely not. They know, I'm sure, but it is not something anyone needs to have a conversation about. It is my personal business as an adult, and that's that.

Well don't you think they'd wonder why you'd suddenly started growing breasts and looking more female, and why you changed your name to a female name and are now wearing girls clothes? I'm not sure how you'd stay in the closet.

Oh I should probably add that I'm gay. They weren't very happy when they found out, for religious reasons, but they didn't disown me. But I worry the trans thing might be a step too far.

If I may, I believe perhaps what C2V is referring to is the tactic some families & adult trans people take of formally announcing their transition to anyone and everyone they have ever had contact with, rather than revealing their status on a case-by-case, need to know basis.

I was at a Gender Spectrum parents support meeting when a couple in the late 40's came in. Judging by their clothing & demeanor & later, references to their life, I'd say they were in the top 10% of our society in wealth, maybe a bit higher. Very socially conservative, very Republican, etc.. Yet, there they were with us plebeians, learning about their child and how to best help her be happy and grow into a healthy, productive person capable of loving herself and others (even if they did look at first like the furniture might be germ infested). After a while they relaxed and finally unfurled the magazine they'd been holding like a third century monk unsure of his faith clutching a scroll of scripture. Forbes magazine, with the founder of Sirius XM satellite radio, Martine Rothblatt on the cover as the highest paid female CEO. It was the proof, for them, that everything would be okay. They went on to become pretty good advocates, and used their connections to do what they could to help ensure the world their daughter would live in became more accepting. It's actually pretty fascinating how in our state, anti-trans bills can't gain traction & the ballot measure petitions seem to always fail. Not sure they are connected - we have some wonderful legislators - but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some tiny touch of influence.

I know this approach is weird to some people. But to think about what you've written here - transition is slow. If you are male bodied and started HRT, unlike all these TV reveals, things just don't happen overnight. You wouldn't start growing breasts and looking feminine all at once, and for transwomen, there is also the process of laser facial hair removal and sometimes body hair removal, that takes several applications and necessary time between applications (even longer for electrolysis, depending on your hair/skin type). Dependent on genetics and body type, many transwomen never develop obvious breasts and therefore breast augmentation is needed to give them the female look they need. The process is gradual, and often subtle. If you see your parents often, some changes will even go unnoticed just because they are so subtle. It can take 3 - 4 years for all the changes just from HRT to take effect.
Dependent on your relationship with your parents, you could decide to wear neutral clothing around them - both men and women wear tshirts and jeans, for example. You wouldn't need to show up in a dress and eight inch heels.
As for name change, if you don't get mail delivered to your parents' house, and you don't have your friends and your parents hanging around together, there is no reason you should have to disclose this either. If it's important to you to disclose then by all means, but if you're worried about negative consequences, my point is it can be done much more gently and gradually and subtly, without having to shock people all at once screaming "I'M A WOMAN!"
Just out of curiosity and by all means ignore me if you want, but if you have a strong gay identity, will you identify as straight if you did transition and live as a woman? I always wonder about that.

I was. Post it on goddamn YouTube every time you get a new hair on your face or a laser treatment. Many people are VERY public about their transitions. I have seen some cringe-worthy ways this has been done, often by younger people I must say, where they gather all their extended family together and read poetry they composed about their struggle being stuck "in the wrong body." Maybe it was because I started transition in my mid-twenties and had other things going on, I just developed the strategy of just getting on with it and not making it a big deal. People change in life, especially 20's - 30's, and this is just a bit more pronounced with me. It is just a part of what I am, not the whole picture, and there is no reason to make a song and dance of it all. Plus of course after certain steps have been taken, you are not required to disclose to jobs, insurances, government agencies, landlord, anyone. It may serve well in the end that you kept the whole thing quiet if you wish to just identify as a man or woman, not identify as trans all your life. Being "out" becomes unnecessary and unimportant for some transpeople.

This is also true. Some of the unlikeliest people can be the best allies. One of the best trans-supportive people I ever had was an elderly, cis, straight, white, male, rural country doctor who had never met a transgender person before. He never misgendered me once, even preop. Never suggested being trans was a mental illness, even though I was in a bad way with other issues at the time. Same with some families, such as the OP's concern. Some families you'd think for sure would freak out and dump a transgender child, can end up being the most understanding and supportive people you'll meet. Once they realise transition isn't going to turn you into a Hulk-esque rage monster for transmen or a target for violence and discrimination as a transwoman, many people chill out.

Oh I understand what you mean now. I've seen people post their entire transition process on Facebook. In a way I can kind of understand, as it's a way of educating people. Personally, I'd rather just get on with it and tell people on a need-to-know basis.

I thought trans women were targets for violence and discrimination? I know of a trans man who was forced to move after the neighbourhood kids found out and started torturing him. I also know of a trans woman who has been physically and verbally abused.

About being gay, I haven't given it too much thought but I probably would identify as straight if I transitioned. It would be less confusing (a gay woman who likes men?) for people I suppose.

My parents are very religious and believe God "told them" they would have a son. I think it would be hard for them to hear, "well actually I'm a girl", when "God" supposedly told them otherwise.

I'm a atheist and I believe being trans is a medical condition that requires medical intervention. I'm worried my parents would tell me I should pray and ask Jesus to cure me, and then blame me for "rejecting God" when I refuse. In other words, they'll see it as a choice. The thought of it makes me feel guilty, even though I know I know it's not my fault.

It came close. Instead of disowning me they manipulated into delaying transition by threatening my housing/access to food/transportation and kept saying they didn't want me around once I started to change either. Eventually they came to see that they were endangering my life as I got more and more suicidal and after this trans girl in America killed herself and made the news, they started to rethink their ways.

Well I'm glad something good came from Leelah's death, that's what she wanted. How have they changed towards you?