Gay girls and Asperger's

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So as a girl who happens to be gay, I'm a minority. As a girl who also happens to have Asperger's, I'm an even smaller minority. Combining these three facts about myself makes me feel like I am part of a very small minority group!

Anyway, I'm wondering if there are any other LGBT Aspies out there (especially female) who maybe have experience with this or advice: dating/flirting. Often the line between friendship and something more romantic is already very confusing and vague with gay girls, but this situation is especially confusing for me because of my further cluelessness about recognizing and interpreting people's behavior correctly.

I have been friends with a girl (who is openly gay and single-and she knows I am gay and single too) for about two months, and although I am sure we started out as friends, recently (since we got back to college after our winter break and during the break) it has occurred to me that she may be flirting a little with me, and may be interested in more than platonic friendship. But like I said, I honestly have no idea-and I lack that sort of intuitive "vibe" sensor that would be helpful! I also have virtually no experience with which to relate to.

All of which leads me to feeling clueless and helpless! Does anyone have any ideas/thoughts/advice/anything to say about this? I would be extremely grateful and appreciative for any help at all! Thanks!

I am a gay aspie girl too. I wish I had some advice but I don't I just ended up with the girl who was the most aggressive in showing me they liked me. And we've been together for six years. If she wasn't so forward I probably wouldn't have known she liked me.

yes, in act there are so many LGBT aspies that we have a subforum created specially.

the thread has been moved from Love & Dating to... LGBT Discussion

I was just having that same thought, that gay aspie girls are a minority of a minority. This also makes me feel that the proverbial deck is stacked against us for some of the reasons you mentioned. I've recently given up on dating and relationships ( Partly because of coming to some of your same conclusions) but in the past when my constitution for rejection was a little stronger and I was much, much, much more naive than I am now, I had alot of the same experiences. I never knew when a girl "liked, liked" me. It wasn't until one of my only friends told me that I never had a girlfriend because I could have a girl practically throw herself at me and I'd be oblivious to that fact and wouldn't be aware that she was flirting with me, therefore, she would assume my obliviousness meant that I wasn't interested and then I'd never hear from said girl again. So sometimes if you can pinpoint things like this you can start to make things better and feel less confused and out-of-sorts. But sometimes it might be about waiting for the right person, someone who is going to understand your struggles as a woman with AS or who has AS themselves.

But on the other side of things, sometimes it about making your own self happy. This is what I've had to do. Despite all I've learned about myself and about AS, I still struggle with forming authentic relationships. I use the term "authentic" because most of my dating experiences, friendships and relationships have been with people who were using me or where I was "the other woman" or the "fake girlfriend"(you know, the kind where your "partner" won't take you out in public, tell their friends and family about you and just refers to you as a "friend" in social situations?) or "the ugly/weird/unpopular/awkward girl you befriend or date for a day based soley on a dare" and after going through this my entire life, I've grown too tired to deal with it. The last relationship I had was almost 5 years ago (and I just turned 24) and I accepted that there is no woman out there for me, got off the dating sites and resigned myself to a very monastic life. That's where my special interests have saved me. They are straightforward, they don't change and decide to do something out of routine , I don't have to carry on a socially correct conversation with them and they won't stop talking to me and vanish from my life forever if and when I get a little strange.

Maybe this doesn't help much but all in all, you're not the only aspie lesbian out there wondering about things like this.

I'm a gay girl Aspie too. I have no trouble with flirting. Just be yourself, be funny, attentive, make the other person feel cute and special, and make eye contact. Beyond this I can't help you though I always attract people who are "straight" or "confused" or who simply don't like me back.

One thing I can tell you not to do though is become too needy or clingy. I know us Aspies tend to do this, even though we hate it in others. I guess if you really like someone you should not show it too much.

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate it.

Kiseki, I worry that I'm being too needy or clingy all of the time! I'm constantly worried that I'm "coming on too strongly", but then I wonder if I'm not being forward enough! It's really frustrating and I never know how much is too much-it all seems to depend on the situation, which makes it more annoying, because there don't seem to be rules about this.

I also hate eye contact, which is obviously a problem as it seems to be a key feature to flirting. When I really try (which I have been recently) I can make quick, fleeting glances at their eyes, but then I have to look away quickly and sort of blink and squeeze my eyelids...which I know probably looks strange and awkward. I'm working on it though.

I have been friends with this one girl (L) for about 8 weeks-I met her at a group for gay athletes at my college. She is openly gay and single and knows that I am gay and single too. We spent some time together before Thanksgiving, then we texted for hours at a time every day over vacation, and we hung out more when we got back. Over winter break we also texted hours every day every day. She wrote that she couldn't wait to get back and see me.

She asked me to go on a hike with her on Friday and we ended up hiking for 3 hours and 45 minutes-the hike usually takes about 2 hours, but we stopped for a while at the top and talked A LOT.

-She sat very very close to me, and put her arm around me while we were talking. Then the sun set, and she said "It's so romantic!"-in a joking way, but then also put her arm around me/hugged me.

-Then randomly, while we were walking, she came up behind me and grabbed my waist REALLY tightly to surprise me-I was surprised! She didn't let go for a few seconds either. Then I started pretending to fight her, and we kept punching each other lightly, really jokey and laughing a lot, and she kept punching my arm, so I hit her a bit too, which she kept smiling at and tried to keep play-fighting.

-Sometimes the path was narrow and we had to walk one at a time, but as soon as the path got wider, she'd immediately make sure we were walking next to each other.

-She teased me A LOT.

-She mentioned several times different things that I did that she was impressed by.

-When she said our sports teams would be practicing next to each other, I said I would be distracted, and she looked right into my eyes and said "Because I'm just so sexy?" She was definitely joking a little bit, but it didn't seem entirely like a joke.

-She specifically brought up her ex-girlfriend and talked about how they broke up. Then she kept talking about how she didn't like how the culture at our college is either drunk hook-ups or essentially married-there's no really in between dating scene at all. And she was saying how she didn't want either of that.

-Then when we were parting ways at the end, we were standing really close together, with our heads really close together, and we were making a lot of eye contact, she was basically staring at me! I did my best...and her voice became quieter and sounded softer and she talked about how she had an awesome time and she thanked me for coming with her on the hike.

-There was also a lot of other things that I know I'm forgetting that I can't remember that seemed significant.

I'm sorry this was so long, I'm just trying to organize my thoughts and process what happened-was she flirting with me? Was she just being a regular friend? Was that sort of a date, or a "friend-date"? I'm extremely confused!

Does anyone have any idea about all of this? Thanks for all your responses so far, I really appreciate it!

OP, it definitely sounds like this other girl likes you! See, if I were you and I knew that the object of my interest was gay AND was flirting with me like that I would say something to her. I'm not one to make physical moves but I think it's a good idea just to ask her "Do you like me?" But do it in a cute and coy way and try to make eye contact when you do it.

As for your other problems, I also am really bad with being weird and needy and I've freaked out a couple of girls being that way I don't know how to stop cuz, when I really like someone, I just can't hide it. Sorry I can't give you any advice there.

This is probably not a surprise, but I'm fairly terrified of the possibility of saying something anywhere along the lines of "I like you," or "Do you like me?" to this girl. We are already friends and I don't want to ruin that or make it awkward at all.

Also, two nights ago we were in her room, I was helping her with a project, and we were talking, our heads were very close and we were laughing a lot, and I was feeling a bit braver and more confident-then she started talking about how tired she was because she didn't get very much sleep, and when I asked why, she said it was because she had not been alone in her bed the previous night! She seemed quite embarrassed-or something, I'm not really sure-and hid her face in her blankets. I didn't know what to say! She'd gone to this party that she initially invited me to, but then didn't follow-up with me about it later because she said "from what I know about you, you probably would have been miserable!" Which is true, unfortunately! I can't go to parties-the noise, massive amounts of people, drunkenness, the whole thing is just physically impossible for me to do, I literally become paralyzed with fear/anxiety/panic and shut down, can't speak, panic attack, all of that! So at first I thought it was nice of her to be thoughtful like that, but now I think maybe she just wanted to hook up with someone else-which she obviously did! Which is also strange because she said previously that she was not interested in drunk hook-ups, which this seems to have been. Was she lying? Did she not really mean that? I don't know.

I invited her to go on another walk either tomorrow or the next day, and she replied affirmatively, so that's good. I guess I will see if she keeps exhibiting the behaviors I mentioned before, and what happens if I try to make more eye contact, casual physical contact, etc. I should probably tease her a bit, right? Should I say something like "I'm really glad you were able to get away and come on this walk" or something? I guess maybe I will, depending on her behavior and reaction to my behavior.

I guess the incident two nights ago just really freaked me out and confused me, because I was getting more confident that she liked me, but I don't know at all now, right back where I started! It was strange because she seemed to really want to tell me about it, she kept saying over and OVER again how tired she was-it occurs to me now she was probably trying to get me to ask why she was tired. I don't know why she'd do that though. I think I will casually ask her something about the other night, like if she's been "getting better sleep" lately, or something, just to see her reaction when I bring that up.

I don't know if I'm just projecting that I like her and misinterpreting everything! She's responded positively to everything so far though, so I don't feel as worried that I'm being needy and forceful. I don't REALLY REALLY like her right now, but I think if we keep hanging out the way we have been that I will start to! I'm definitely on the way to that though, because I am interested now.

Your thoughts and advice have been really helpful so far, thank you so much! I hope to get this figured out soon!

Hmm, I don't know what she was trying to make you feel by telling you that she'd hooked up with someone else the night prior. You said she didn't seem happy about it though so you should have asked for more info. Maybe she was trying to let you know that she wasn't against sleeping with other chicks but she'd prefer it be with you. Really I don't know though.

I'm not a good person at parties either, so I drink. This is very bad advice for you, but I bet if alcohol was involved, you'd get answers to your questions with this girl a lot sooner. You might not wanna do that though. It opens most people up however.

Snap!! ! Only I have been with my girlfriend 10 years!! lol

Well I don't know if I have Aspergers, but I know I'm awfully quirky and its hard to find a girlfriend. . . . or keep one!

I am awfully quirky as well, and it IS awfully hard to find a girlfriend! I've never had one before, but as an Aspie in my first year of college, I am predictable rather lonely and my life is lacking in social aspects, both platonic and romantic. I also go to a very small college, so the number of gay girls (especially out ones!) is extremely small to begin with.

I also don't drink and don't party, which is typically, as I understand it, how people form many relationships. It may sound strange, but I just really want a girlfriend-and I don't know how to find one!

It's so frustrating.

OP's friend sounds amazing!

I honestly wish I had a friend like her. I'm bisexual, so I'm an even weirder minority.

I am a Lesbian Aspie and was pretty much attracted to the girls who were the most "top" or "dominate", or like the person quoted above said, "aggressive/forward".

The reason for this was exaggerated facial expression and ultra-obvious intent. I didn't have to think about misinterpreting anything.

So far, I'm successful - I've been with my girl for about a year.

It definitely makes sense to be attracted to the girls that are the most "forward" or "aggressive"-and at the least, practical! It is logical that those girls too are the ones you end up with, because you can tell they like you the most. Congratulations to QuelOround and lifeis258 by the way, you are lucky.

But unfortunately I tend to be attracted to people more like myself-quiet, more subtle and understated (at least in groups!). Also to a few straight girls, which is a whole entirely different issue...

For anyone who reads this, how do/did you meet girls? And if you went/are going to college, did you have a lot of romantic experience then? I think I might have mentioned this before, but I go to a VERY small college: at around 2000 people, 1000 of them are female. And it's been estimated that 3% of the general population is gay. Which means there are about 30 gay girls here-including the closeted ones! So besides me, 29. About 10 are probably already in relationships. Which leaves 19. And I probably know about 15 of them, and since it's such a small community, a lot of them have already dated each other. SO. Not an ideal situation!

Also I know gay bars are obviously the best places to go, but I don't think I (right now at least) could ever go to one due to sensory and social issues.

I don't mean to sound self-pitying, I'm honestly just curious as to how lesbian Aspergians find relationships!

Just like SkinsUKobsessed, I don't like "aggressive" people, probably because we don't really have much (if anything) in common. I'm not saying that if somebody is outgoing and friendly, then they only go to parties and are generally boring or stupid or something (I guess they can turn out to be really cool once you get to know them better), I just don't happen to be attracted to them.

I can't give any advice on meeting girls because I've been a the uni for two years (I live with my parents, though) and have never dated anyone I know some gay (or bi or whatever) girls here; I don't think they are really out though, I know about them because somebody outed them or I asked them myself.

Now my post seems a bit pointless. Maybe I just wanted to say hi