What is gender? The more I think, the more confused I get.

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I'm going through some relationship crisis right now, and it's got me thinking about a lot of things and deeply questioning myself. One big source of confusion for me, is that I don't understand what "gender" means, at all, and the more I learn, the more confused I get. Does anyone have a simplistic definition?

When I think about gender, all I can come up with is a list of things that it is Not.
- Gender is Not your assigned sex at birth.
- Gender is Not your chromosomes.
- Gender is Not your sexual or romantic orientation.
- Gender is Not who is attracted to you.
- Gender is Not the gender of the people you befriend.
- Gender is Not what your body looks like, what "parts" you have.
- Gender is Not what kind of clothes you wear or whether you wear makeup. (These things were explained to me as "presentation," whether you show yourself to the world as "femme," "masc/butch," or somewhere in between. For example, a cis-man can be "femme" and still be a man.)
- Gender is Not what kind of toys you played with as a child, or whether your interests are traditionally "masculine"/"feminine," because girls can like science and boys can play with dolls and why do we even segregate these things anyways?
- Gender is Not your behavior, because women can be strong and aggressive and men can be nurturing and gentle.
- Gender is Not whether you feel acceptance and kinship with people of your same gender.

Gender is a collection of social and cultural expectations.

For instance, if someone identifies you as a boy, you are expect to want toy trucks and paintball guns, not barbie dolls.

I actually witnessed a man trying to convince his son that he can't have a barbie doll.

My husband would agree that gender is, in fact, a social and cultural thing.

It seems to me that it has to be more than that though since so many people will say that they just feel like a man or a woman. That feeling seems to be some deeper core thing, rather than a societal construct at work. Maybe it is both nature and nurture. I dunno. But a lot of people will say that they knew from a very early age that they felt distinctly male or female regardless of what body type they were born into. They knew who and what they are before they knew what society would say they are. Things like that make me think there's a lot more to it. Maybe it is just nature and nurture at work and too individualistic and personal for a clear cut definition to exist. I dunno. I find this kinda thing confusing as well. Agreed... it is much easier to say what it is not than what it is.

That's what's confusing to me. Is there a difference between "gender identification" and "stereotypical / societal gender roles"? There are people who identify as a particular gender, but then reject many societally expectations of that gender, but are still able to identify as that gender. Where does that self-identification come from?

If a cis-boy identifies himself as a boy, and enjoys playing with dolls (even if this causes concern from judgmental people), what makes that boy a boy? How does he know to continue identifying as a boy?

If a trans woman identifies as a woman, but enjoys many stereotypical "masculine" activities and dresses very androgynously, how does she know she's still a woman?

If a very butch, very aggressive lesbian plays with trucks, dresses in traditionally masculine clothing, has mostly friends who are men, and prefers to date very "femme" women, what gives her the confidence / knowledge that she is / should identify as a woman?



Where does this knowledge / feeling come from?

Yeah, exactly! I feel like I'm missing that "deeper core thing," whatever it is. I've never felt a deep connection to my gender. I tell people I'm a cis-woman simply because I was AFAB. But I feel like I'm missing something.

You are confused because society expects you to be in one category or the other. As for those who don't fall neatly into one or the other, for the longest time, you didn't exist. Now that you do, well, you are just going to have to wait for society to sort it out.

Fact is, people often don't change their minds. But, they do pass on and let the next generation make their own minds.

Sounds like the same convincing that my mom tried on me for me to like the pink power ranger instead of the green ranger when I was like 8 or 9 years old ... Whats even worse sometimes is when I see and hear people "gender" accessories. I am a salesperson of many hand made goods from jewelry to door wreaths. I can't tell you how much it kills me on the inside when someone says "oh that's girl jewelry". 1 NOBODY tries to tell me what I sell and 2 I cater to and embrace gender neutrality.

My brother and dad are often good for this because I have 2 brothers that are extremely homophobic and won't even wear something if they think it makes them look feminine. One time my brother even made a big deal about gloves mom was going to lend him last winter. He went on a 5 min rant about the gay men that wear the same "female gloves" and how he does NOT want to be lumped in with "them" or have one of "them" hit on him ... This was literally over a pair of gloves.



When I was 20, I told an online friend of mine that I was a "feminine boy" and a "masculine girl" in the same body and mind.

I don't remember where I heard this, but one example of the generational divide is a guy sticking up for his brother that wanted a "feminine" video game over the objections of their father.

Some people make things into something bigger then they need to be.

Nah.

I know where the men in your family are coming from.

Other men can be very homophobic and sometimes a guy can get bashed or robbed for appearing even slightly LGBT, even if they're not.

At worst this is what happens, at best a lot of young men make a LOT of gay jokes that clearly imply being gay is a sign of 'weakness', 'emasculation' or somehow 'wrong'. That's usually the best you can get from heterosexual male friends. But if you were to ever remind them your sexuality, they will say they accept you (or, more accurately, except you and see you as an exception to homophobic discrimination), and that they're just 'joking'.

Your male family members fears are exaggerated and blown out of proportion sometimes, but other times are also justified.

Personally I'm bisexual, and well at hiding it. In fact, I almost suppress it. I prefer to live the 'straight lifestyle' as much as possible, the fact my preference for women is much stronger helps this.

There's many social opportunities I would have otherwise not been accepted or welcomed.

And before you say 'You shouldn't be ashamed or have to hide who you are' I have every right to hide it. I want to hide it, not out of shame but because I see no reason why it's anyone's business but my own.

If a lot of men in my family or friends were to discriminate against me over something so minor, I may as well not tell them.

If I only inform them once and then never speak of or express it ever again, I could still be beaten, robbed, etc. by strangers or lose friendships over it - I'd rather just keep my mouth shut.

I don't feel sad or guilty, or feel I can't 'be myself'. 'Myself' is a 'straight' guy who's secretly bi, so well at hiding it that only the most observant and intelligent types can see it, and even then 99% of the time I'm giving NO evidence I'm anywhere close to stereotypically LGBT. Not every gay or bi person should be pressured to 'come out'. The only time I'd rather tell anyone is if I actually got a boyfriend.

There are long-term family members I know who care about me but have their homophobic prejudice, best they don't know if I don't want them to discriminate against me.

To tell you how this could relate to the males in your family - appearing gay is a social deathwish.

It's been my experiences if I tell male friends my sexuality, and they accept it, they still make gay jokes or use derogatory terms that imply male homosexuality is to be viewed in a negative light.

I am missing that deeper connect as well. I say I am a female for the same reasons... though I am not what one would call cis. I have no idea what it is to feel female... or male for that matter. I just kinda am. My spouse has told me before that when people say the feel like one or the other, that they do not mean it literally... it's more a figure of speech to say that they identify with societal norms or enjoy expressing themselves as such or whatever. Still, I disagree with that as I have known several people who swear they feel that pull one way or the other and it goes way beyond society crap for them. They just know. I would like to be able to drop myself into the mind/body/soul of such a person to experience that know. Not that I would want to live that way... it would just be interesting, I think, to know what that's all about in a way that I can better understand. Something to be said for experience, you know.

This kinda thing is so complicated. Sex is easy... unless you are born with ambiguous sex organs, both kinds, neither kinds, whatever... or some chromosomal abnormality, it is generally pretty clear what sex a person is at birth. Gender, is generally considered to be the mental/emotional/societal whatever expression of sex. Given that different people will view and express such things differently... it leaves a lot of room open for interpretation.It seems gender is becoming a thing we all get to define for our own self about or own self. While I think that is wonderful and beautiful, it does not help me much as a person who does not identify with gender. Heh. I guess that is how I define it today then... something I cannot define because I feel no real pull to it. *shrugs* At least it does not cause me distress I'm lucky in that respect, for sure.

I'm tired of society in general, never mind gender roles. I think I might become a member of Hermits United or something.

To me, this elusive concept that we call "gender" is something very personal and innate. I realize that some people just "know" who they are, even when they know themselves to be somebody different than who others know them to be, and that questioning it might not be so important in the long run. I've always felt a bit off in this body. Not horribly so, but I just always knew there was something "different" going on with me, and from a young age I simply never questioned it, just happily accepted the difference. Then I realized that I wasn't supposed to do that according to society.

Society gets it wrong a lot of the time, but there's not much use in being bitter or questioning certain things, from what I can see at least.

Gender is the state of being either male or female.

Gender identity may be different from one's biological sex if one has gender dysphoria.

Seems pretty simple to me.

^But what if you feel that you are neither, or if that you are not human?

That's what my question is about! What IS the "state" of being either male or female? What does that even mean, if it's not any of the things I listed in my OP?