I'm in a, weird, situation

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I just don't really know what's going on. I thought I had OCD, fits with some other stuff, but more on that later, the obsessive kind that has the nickname gay OCD. Now, I don't know what to think.

So, story. I'm 20. All my life I've been 95% straight. I say 95% because I've never really thought anyone was 100%. I know, everyone starts out saying that, but for me it's been more than that. I was legitimately straight. I can list off a long series of girls I was attracted to, both physically and emotionally. Especially this one girl who caught my eye, in fifth grade actually. Didn't see her for a few years, different schools, then when we got to high school there she was. I was so in love with her for two years, I couldn't think of anyone else. Every time she talked to me, which, well I'm here so it wasn't that often, I honestly got to quivering. Embarrassing from my perspective. Anyway, that, surprise, didn't go anywhere and after I found out some things about her, it faded. I moved on. Couple of other girls I pined after, so on and so-forth. That continues for a few years until now.

So, about a year ago, little longer I think, the thought pops into my head that I might enjoy getting raped in prison. I think that's a bit, messed up. I'll admit, because I'm not ashamed of it, that I experimented with, uh, certain butt related things while masturbating occasionally, so the appeal made a degree of sense. Not into that anymore, but at the time. That being said, it was still like, you know, full on rape. That was the fear anyway. Which is where I get into the meat of this. Like I said, I thought this was OCD, and I'm still leaning in that direction, but I'm not sure anymore. If you search, and I know how horrible self-diagnosing things on the internet is, for pure O OCD, and especially the gay-OCD thing, I can check nearly every box. Paranoia, checking, all of that stuff. The argument for this is backed up by the fact that I have absolutely no prejudices against gays, I'm from suburban Oregon (one of the more gay-friendly places in the world) and the only person in my family who would've cared is recently deceased (she was a bad person, no one in the family is grieving for her). That and, from what I've heard, OCD and isolation are a match made in hell, which could explain the intensity. (Context: I had a summer internship right after this whole thing popped into my head that basically just involved me sitting in an office, alone, with barely anything to do for eight hours a day.)

Here's where the confusion comes in. Eventually, I got so overwhelmingly paranoid that I had to do what I saw another guy on here refer to as "the test", gay porn. First time, it was a turn-off. Then, I got overwhelmingly paranoid again and I watched it again. This time I got, I'm not sure how blunt I can be here so I'll say physically aroused, and ejaculated pretty quickly, faster than most of the times I've done with straight porn. The catch here is, and I put physically on there intentionally, there's no mental component to it, and I'm not just saying that. My junk says yes while my mind says, eh, and, occasionally, yuck. Even the ejaculation lacks an orgasm. It's, fundamentally weird.

That's still happening. At first, it was largely fear driven. I could tell. It's a fundamentally different feeling if you've ever experienced it, but then I decided that: a) Based on my history and the, and this is important I think, continued appeal of straight porn that I could be bi and not gay and b) That I would be cool if I was bi, just not gay, the fear faded away, but the physical arousal didn't, which I've heard is not really how it works with the OCD thing.

Now I don't know what to think anymore. All the evidence in my life points to straight. Near total lack of homoerotic thoughts in the past, I say near because I've been told that everyone has a few things flash into their heads from time to time that they don't want. If I'm being 100% honest here I didn't even used to like porn that featured penises. Not because I cared, just not aesthetically appealing. I was also involved heavily involved in water sports in high school, and actually in college a bit (sports club), and I've probably seen more penises in person than most gay men, and I never found them appealing. It just seems to me that if you spend your time palling around with in-shape, 90% naked guys in your teens, you should know if you find them attractive. I mean, I've never been super-attracted to girls, but this may be due to the fact that during the point that males are supposed to have the highest sex drive, I think 13-17, I was either hopelessly in love with a girl who barely talked to me or depressed. I always thought of myself of being in the lower left (the straight side of the y-axis) quadrant of an extended Kinsey Scale plot that has a y-axis going from asexual to hypersexual. But now I've got this whole thing where seeing a shirtless guy can get a little blood flowing, despite the fact that prior to a year ago that never happened. That, and there are certain guys who's faces make me, not exactly stimulated, but thinking about it. This is down from the peak of my paranoia when basically every guy set me off, but it's settled into something that seems like a type, and it's one that makes me really uncomfortable because they all look really young. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my family has this weird predisposition for thinking young boys are cute, in the little kid/puppy manner, and my own desire to have, preferably male, kids, but that just sounds like me being defensive.

I should probably mention that the porn stuff is more complicated, and I'm still into straight stuff and I can actually get a satisfying, ending, out of it that I can't out of the gay stuff, but it's a lot harder to get there. I'd go into more detail but I doubt anyone wants to hear it. Also, it does still check some of the boxes for OCD, checking, repetitively listing my sexual/romantic history dozens of times a day, repeatedly planning out speeches like this, etc.

To summarize, I just don't know what to think anymore and it's driving me insane. The evidence is conflicting, and my actual desire, romantically, has always been for women but there's this physical thing that keeps happening. Maybe I'm just a weird amalgamation of heteroromantic and gay-leaning bisexual. I think I'm probably writing this out just to say the words in a semi-anonymous setting, but it would probably help to hear what anyone has to say on the subject.

Also, I am loathe to self-diagnose with anything, so while I do think that the symptoms fit, I'm not settled on that. It's not just this, I have a history of OCD, not aspie (I have those too, of course, but it's not really the same), style obsessions that fit the mold pretty well too, but again, not going to claim that I actually have it. I would go to a psychiatrist but I don't really have the time or the resources, and if I'm being completely honest I'm kind of scared about the implications of the outcome if I'm wrong.

Thank you, really.

Bless your heart. You're still young and trying to figure it out. Butt stuff doesn't necessarily equate to "gay" or anything other than you might just enjoy it. The prison fantasy is hot... I have it too! It's common as is the forced sex one. There's something for everyone. Try to calm down and not focus on what you might or might not be... and enjoy figuring out what you like. If you don't like male porn... then don't watch it. Maybe try fetish stuff.

No longer really watch it as it also makes it so I don't want to meet people in the real world. Sex with someone in real workd is better than anything at all!

IDK I've never sexually or romantically been attracted to girls. Then again, I've never met lesbians or bi girls irl so my sexuality may not meet enough experiences to be determined what I am.

People can be attracted to things in porn just because they are "taboo" without actually wanting to participate in any of those things. People can also be attracted to certain things only because they are "taboo" and actually want to participate in those things.

OCD is really complicated and can make people believe all sorts of things. I think porn messes with some people's heads. The brain gets addicted to the feeling, and it takes more and more unusual things to turn some people on. Again, this is not with everyone, but it has been studied and there is evidence of it. I think it's likely that your OCD and the porn are wrecking your emotional state right now.

If you keep fixating on this subject, you probably will develop some kind of problem. I think the best solution is to just accept the thoughts and not worry about them. Don't worry if you are gay, or straight, or bi. It's actually a technique to treat OCD that works. To accept the thoughts and not fight them and to allow yourself to be fearful without doing the behaviors that will alleviate the fear. The pattern of behavior will eventually be broken.

Younger people do tend to be more physically attractive and if you are attracted to younger men it makes sense. It also would make sense if you were just a straight guy with a gay porn fetish. Younger men are often "prettier" and look more like females.

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^ My post might try to respond to one of OP's many sentences somewhere.

OK, so let's forget about the labels. For the most part, women turn you on, but sometimes guys do too. You could perhaps try exploring your sexuality irl (i.e. have sex with a guy). Or not. It's your choice. My advice is to not let how you define yourself get in the way of you enjoying life

Be careful with whom you divulge things to or experiment with. Try to just find out what you like first. You can't know what you want to find out if you don't know what you like. Then you have to figure what you like to do.

As mentioned above, people can be turned on by things that are taboo but not really be into doing them. Some things are just disgusting.

Now, by disgusting I mean this: What is disgusting will be up to an individual. We all accept the kiss as a universal showing of affection. But, some people are really disgusted by it for a variety of reasons. All individual things.....

It's hard though when everybody is trying to label everybody else first.

Have you had a girlfriend?

Married three times with children and grandchildren. why?

I get the feeling he was asking the OP that question.

Prison rape? No thank you.

I'd rather be with a woman who smells good.

But it's okay to have fantasies. Don't feel guilty about them.

I make the same mistake all the time.

its ok I wasnt clear who I was talking to

I do tend to read these things linearly. I always assume one remark is in relation to the one before it.