I'm seriously wondering if there's anything wrong with me and I'm failing to realize. Sometimes it totally crushes my self esteem. I'm an autistic trans man, mostly straight, which means I'm attracted to women most of the time. I don't know if it's more related to me being a trans guy than me being an autistic guy, but I feel like my relationship with women is always complex, difficult and ends up being messed up.
I had female friends I liked flirt with me, teasing me, but then it led to nothing. I've only had kissed one woman in my life but it didn't seem like she liked me. I had another female friend sitting on my crotch and teasing me and laughing when I said I got turned on, but again, it led to no kissing or sex. One of my female friends, the same one I kissed, said I'm not good at attracting and dealing with women. The same friend once told me I acted creepy when I touched her leg, and explained me "a less creepy way to do it".
I feel like I do things I don't realize most of the time. No, I don't have good social skills. I don't completely suck at them, but apparently, I'm socially awkward and it can't change, cause I've been like this forever and I'm also tired of pretending to look/act neurotypical.
Friends who are like sisters to me say I'm attractive, masculine, smart and charming. I don't even know why they say it, I guess it's because they're good friends and want to make me feel special or something?
Everytime I try to flirt with women they either tease me and then disappear from my life or just ignore me. I might give off creepy vibes without even knowing, and it's sad.
Another thing that might turn off the girls I like is being too intellectual and maybe not being fun enough? Who knows. Maybe it's another side of my personality that doesn't seem to attract the women I like, although it attracts other people who are definitely smarter and worth being friends with. Maybe it's just me feeling sexually attracted to women who are a bit too different from me and can't appreciate me. Who knows.
Sorry for the rant, but my self esteem is really low at the moment.
10 Sep 2016, 4:30 pm
