Lesbian needs help (Have the looks but no girls)

Post Reply New Topic

Hey let me start off by saying that I'm not cocky about my appearance. I'm an androgynous female born and identifying person who likes to dress well and a lot people compliment me on the appearance of my clothes, face and physique. Despite this and being a genuine and nice person, I haven't been successful with women romantically and most embarrassingly sexually (I'm almost 30 and just lost my virginity! :{ )

I live in a very large city with a very large and open queer population. I feel like an outcast and unworthy since I've been alive for this many years in such a locale with no gf and having no sex (what makes the whole sexuality thing more stressful and confusing is I find men and women both physically appealing).

Could you think of why I haven't been successful in mutual couplings? I've met women who've been attracted to me, but I never feel the same and vice versa. One would ordinarily think this is natural, but how likely is it that this would occur in every instance up to my late 20s?

I really wish people would stop telling me I'm beautiful, gorgeous, etc. I'm clearly not or if I am seen this way something is inherently wrong with me being myself I guess.

I have two apps on my phone that might help. One is called Her. It is a place for lesbians specifically to get to know each other. The other one is meetme. It has men and women.

Thank you.

I've had a somewhat similar problem. The problem is that I'm not attracted to gender conformity, and most womyn are gender-conforming. In addition, many gender-nonconforming womyn are not attracted to me.

I suggest carefully taking stock of what you find attractive, in terms of both physical traits (assuming that matters to you) and personality (including goals, politics, and lifestyle).

Also analyze how you act with people. Some people are unconsciously afraid of relationships and do things to repulse (push away) the people in whom they are interested.

You may have trouble feeling attracted to people you don't know much about; some people need to be friends with someone before feeling comfortable pursuing a relationship with that person.

Yeah I need to really reflect on my future behavior. I remember a few moments of self sabotage. I also should look for someone with similar goals and lifestyle. I've not done that yet. Would connecting on a professional level be good for that?

Do you mean looking for people with the same job or career goals? That may be helpful if your job/career goal is very important to you and affects who you want to have a relationship with, but I wouldn't recommend placing much importance on that. People can have the same career but otherwise very different lifestyles and goals. For example, one person may be a medical doctor because she loves helping people, and another person may be a doctor because she wants to earn lots of money.

Ok gotcha. Lifestyle would be more important in that case because it shows what the person values.

Oceana: I would like to thank you for suggesting the Her app. I have been getting likes and already have a girl that really wants to meet me. Thanks!! !

I can definitely relate to your post too. I'm 29 years old and never really been in serious relationship. I'm a pretty girl, not knock your socks off gorgeous or anything but I take care of myself, fix up, and look pretty decent most days haha. I have a good heart and a lot of love to give but everytime I meet someone I just get hurt, people use me a lot, and I let them because I end up caring about them. I want to be a good influence in their life, a loyal friend, and I often don't see the truth of the matter, that they don't care for me.
I don't know if I want love so much it scares people away, or they sense what can sometimes feel like desperation because I do get terribly lonely, they see an easy mark, or I've just simply had horrible luck in the girl department. I'm from a smaller town where there isn't a huge lesbian population, most of the ones I've met are more butch (sorry for the label) types which I'm not attracted to. Not to say I wouldn't give a girl a chance, but the initial attraction to that sort of look just isn't there. I hate labels but for sake of the post I'll call myself a lipstick lesbian and that's what I'm attracted to. Tell me, have you had any luck since your last post? Any advice haha

Well I did meet someone on HER. I tried contacting her again twice but she didn't respond. I just deleted the app and decided to give up especially because I'm moving to a different city for school anyhow. Granted I live in a very large city but I still couldn't find anyone so don't see how it'll be different in a smaller setting.

I can relate to being used. Someone I thought was a friend and fell in love with a few years ago misled and used me. I hope that I find someone when I go back to school, and protect my heart better.

I went to a Halloween college party that was open to the public. The girls were totally into me! It just feels messed up because I'm approaching 30, but apparently the collegiate scene is less judgmental. Do you go to events with queer young women? I usually go to a mixed age bar scene but it's very intimidating and dramatic (women have twice felt threatened I was near their significant other). Parties (and meetup groups) are better.

I wish you the best.

I know from experience that can cause a lot of cognitive dissonance. very good looking (if I do say myself) but too fearful of sex and too socially awkward. (among other factors.) I had a housemate once, stonking gorgeous, handsome enough that a model had literally stopped him on the street to do a photo shoot, and really kind person too. couldn't get laid to save his life. simply just really shy.

O wow that sucks I hope he's having better luck these days. I guess I shouldn't feel that alone after all.

I only know that I ran into him a few years ago in the same town where we lived earlier. I think (not sure) that I had heard that he had gotten married and divorced but he looked pretty single and just as shy as ever. he had lost his looks with time but looked happy enough. felt a little afraid him because a) I had transitioned in the meantime and b) I had acted like a real as*hole to him (and to most of the household) during that period of my life, which, of course, I regret. anyway, we said tentative hellos and I remembered how affectionate I felt towards him.