Gay or Asexual? Help?

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Sometimes I really struggle with sexuality. I'm definitely more into women than men, just more sexually comfortable and aroused. But I do really like certain aspects of being in a relationship with a man, perhaps it's because I generally relate better which helps build more social comfortability for me. But honestly, I really feel mostly asexual a lot of the time. It's not that I'm not a sexual person, because I really can be extremely sexual with the right person. It's just that unless there is a basis of emotional connection, I kind of almost feel like sex is an out of body, I'm not there kind of experience. I don't know why I feel so removed and detached during sexual encounters but it really freaks me out because I know it's the one time you should feel fully connected with someone but I can't even make eye contact with my family members most of the time without feeling uncomfortable.

PLEASE respond or PM me if you have experienced this or have any advice. I really need it, as I haven't had a significant other in almost two years and the longer I go without dating, the more foreign it gets. :/

I asked myself very similar questions for a long time, and the short answer is you could be both at the same time, or one or the other. It takes a while to figure out your sexuality, and asexuality wont preclude being gay/bi/pan.

It helps me to think of one as “who”, and one as “how”. The who is the gay/straight/bi/pan bit. I’ve found myself being attracted to pretty much every type of person, so I identify as pansexual. The how is, how sexually attracted am I? I’m most attracted to a person when I’m really emotionally invested in them. I’m still subject to the occasional hormonal bout of “ermahgerds so horny for no reason” and being asexual doesn’t always mean you don’t enjoy sex/ feel sexually attracted/ orgasm. It’s also a spectrum. I’m something close to a grey-asexual. Basically sex is very “meh” for me, I’d rather leave it out and just spoon if they’re a good spooner, but occasionally if I’m head over heels with someone and they do everything right I can have a good time.

The nice thing about this is, if you’re just not that into sex, there are thousands of people like you, and if you sometimes feel like you are into it, that doesn’t mean you’re no longer part of the club. This link has a decent overview of asexuality, it may help you figure out where you fit into it: http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/

As for the bi/gay/pan etc bit... well, I’d say it’s up to you. Being bi doesn’t mean you have to be equally attracted to the different genders, and being pan doesn’t mean you have to find everyone attractive (lord knows there are people out there I would not touch with a ten foot pole if you paid me in diamonds). If you find out men hold zero appeal for you, and it’s ladies all the way, then tbh you’re probably going to have more hygienic relationships and that’s a bonus!

Remember, labels can help you feel anchored to something, but they don’t define you. You can be a little this and a little that until you find a term that describes you exactly!

I think you can be both too like Lizzy says. Just because you're asexual also doesn't mean that you don't have romantic attraction.

I relate to this very much. In fact that way I like to describe my interest in sexuality is that I find it interesting when other people do it... Or to take that a step further, even the thought of other people doing it can be arousing to me. However, the moment I insert myself into the idea it no longer computes. I have no interest what-so-ever in first person sexuality. It's just not something I want to do or something I seek out partners for. I suspect this is somewhat related to a study that was done on FMRI in an attempt to use brainscans to diagnose autistic people. The study measured the reaction to certain stimuli that basicly found that autistic subjects thought more of interactions almost in 3rd person perspective whereas allistic folks would insert themselves in their thoughts about the same subjects. I can't remember the details before but it was fascinating and instantly I thought about how it related to my perception of interacting with people and eventually drew the parallel to my own sexuality.

(for reference, I identify as Asexual, enbyan-gray'ro... meaning, no sex for me... I have only a little interest in romantic relationships and what little i have would almost certainly be preference for another non-binary person)

There is the term demisexual, meaning only sexually attracted to people after developing a close emotional connection with them. But everyone is different when it comes to their feelings toward sex. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to figure out what you are right away.

Can a mod please help me delete this...