2 years later and gender obsession is still ruining my life

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I tried crossdressing for the first time 2 years ago and it's messed me up so badly. I found out that HRT is a thing at that point, and since then I've been obsessing about gender and whether or not to transition. Since then I've done terribly in my PhD program and am now on academic probation and have lost my funding. I can't tell whether this whole thing is just an autistic/OCD obsession or whether I have genuine dysphoria. I just feel existential dread relating to gender all the time.

Paradoxically I've gotten into bodybuilding since then and I've started to feel better about my body. But the intrusive gender thoughts are still there. Sometimes I really wish I were in the 1950s or something and had never been exposed to this, it would be a lot easier that way...

are you seeing a therapist?

Nine months of Gender Therapy

Fourteen years ago

And it's still ruining my " life"


Along with autism and clinical depression

And the past





When I was 15 to 24 used to lift weights

Held the schoolwide record for 123 pound women


Bench press and deadlifts


Now no gym access

Too expensive


And it seems superficial


It helps that I moved somewhere less homophobic


Gender identity disorder

I have some gender issues because I was born as a male, but am commonly misgendered as a female. I get misgendered on the phone all the time. But, I actually don't have any body issues at this time. My weight is about perfect (maybe a little under for the doctor) and I can eat all I want, even though I'm middle aged. I also have very good muscle toning, and can buy small women's clothes of the rack that fit me just fine. Peter Manning also sells clothes that are the right size, but they don't fit as well... I've pretty much accepted that folks will continue to identify me as a women no matter what I do, so that no longer bothers me like it did when I was younger.

You bring up a very good point concerning ocd/obsession and dysphoria. Autistics are known for special interests. Clothing is one of my special interests. Dysphoria is even trickier because it is very common for autistics to be so socially isolated that they don't really identify with ANY gender. And logically, transitioning isn't going to help any.

There are a lot of disadvantages to MtF transitioning. More health risks. Women make less than men. Women's stuff costs more. And it takes more time and money to maintain a socially acceptable appearance as a women. You can drop lot of money getting your hair styled. But, the clothes are nice.

To frame what I'll say below, I'm a trans woman and was AMAB (assigned male at birth). Recently I self-diagnosed myself with autism after doing a lot research. Research that was instigated after a few events that don't pertain to this topic, so I'll move on.

I began transitioning over a decade ago and I've never regretted the path I chose. In the beginning, I probably spent over a year obsessing over it. I compiled list after list of pros & cons, why I was trans, why I couldn't possibly be trans, how it related to my faith at the time, mind-mapped thoughts and memories, and so on and so forth. I scoured the internet and consumed every resource I could find. Ultimately, though, while time I spent wasn't wasted, I didn't really begin to effectively process anything until I began discussing the possibility with family and my therapist.

So, the question posed by auntblabby is a great one. If you haven't already, seek out a therapist. They will be able to help you sort out whether what you're feeling truly is gender dysphoria or, as you suggested, obsessing over intrusive thoughts. If you were to decide to take any actions towards addressing any potential gender dysphoria, therapy will be an essential step in the process. You may need to be careful on who you select. You don't want a therapist who is going to push you towards transition, regardless of how well meaning they're intending to be. You also don't want someone that's going to have a closed mind and outright reject everything. Just get it out of your head, out in the open, where you can begin to decipher what it is.

BTDT made a few good points as well, though they focused more on the negative side of things. It is true, transitioning isn't going to directly help with your social life. I'm still awkward and I still struggle to socialize and make/keep friends. You may or may not ever "pass" (I despise that term). If you don't blend-in in such a way that you're somewhat consistently gendered as cisgender, there will be potential for facing a lot of prejudice, possibly even violence. That will depend on where you live, who you associate with, and how progressive and accommodating the community and laws are. I've only lived in some of the more liberal states of the mid-west US and any LGBT friends I had in college that didn't stay near home all moved to the west coast. What could help you is the potential for peace of mind and an integrated sense of self. To explain what I mean by that, prior to transitioning, I had a completely fractured sense of self. I struggled to associate and identify with any of the masks I had to present to the rest of the world. There was a giant disconnect between my internal self and external self. I just believe that the best route through life is to be true to yourself and discover the best ways to find contentment. After transitioning, I had less of a compulsion to hide away from everyone around me. I no longer buried and denied significant portions of my identity. People are just as confusing as ever though

The medical options available to transgender individuals do carry risk and the potential for side effects. Unaddressed gender dysphoria, however, also carries the potential to be detrimental to you mental health. Pick and choose your battles. Medicine is continuously improving and the hormones available today are better than those that have been historically available.

Transitioning only only holds the potential for resolving your gender dysphoria. Its not going to change any other part of you or your life. Yeah, people will relate to you differently depending on where you are on the gender spectrum and where they identify you as belonging on that gender spectrum. Being a woman isn't going to automatically solve issues for you any more than being a man is. You'll have or, as is more often the case, not have privileges that will affect all areas of your life. In the end, its just a different path.

I do have to stress that my gender has not ruined my life. I'm lucky to have a special interest in computers and I'm a rather competent programmer. In my experience computer and technology types tend to be more progressive and accepting. I make a very decent living. A point I bring up not to brag, but to make a point that being a woman, being trans, doesn't necessarily kill your earning potential. Might I be making more today if I were a well adjusted mentally healthy man? Possibly. I'll never know though, I was never a man. There are a lot of great things in my life that I may never have experienced had I not transitioned. Yet its only because that was the right choice for me.

So all I can say is to discover yourself and be happy with yourself, whatever that ends up looking like. I hope unorganized mess of thoughts I posted helps in some way

Hi Sithwitch,

Thanks for posting! And glad to see that transitioning helped you!

Ideally, you would find a therapist who understands both autism and gender issues.

You may wonder how women can live longer even though they actually have more health issues. Simple. Men are stupid and don't see the doctor often enough.

Hi, i am 35 years and i no binary.

Beside i live in france. It very difficult to find a therapist who help me.

Since a decade, i dont know if i have ocd or real gender dysphoria. But i really wanted a woman body.

As an Aspie who transitioned as a kid (before the fad, it is to be noted), I do find myself wondering how much my gender dysphoria was genuine and how much it was because of an ASD obsession.

I wasn't diagnosed back then and I don't think they were looking for traits, so they took my insistence quite literally. I was on blockers and eventually hormones as I grew up, so I would say I've been socialised as a man as much as I have a girl.

Unfortunately we can never know if our gender is because of autism or because of who we are. But once I heard someone say that it doesn't matter *why* we feel like a different gender, only that we do, and if that is how we're happy, does it matter if autism is the underlying cause?
That said, I don't know if I'm happy I transitioned. I just am what I am, and it's been so long I don't know what it would feel like to be a woman or a cis man. I can't detransition because I wouldn't make a good woman (deep voice, masculine appearance), but I also have to come to terms that I'll never be a typical man either (much too short for that!). It just is how it is, and I'm okay with it.

I do agree on the issue that our disconnect with our gender could definitely just be disconnect from other people in general. I still feel "unlike my peers" just like I did when I was a girl, but now I just feel better within myself. I often think that with the amount of people transitioning lately, I would certainly have felt resentful of those people if I had forced myself to ignore my 'obsession' and remain cisgender.

I guess it's a case of whatever makes you happiest, regardless of the reason why. Transitioning is hard, and especially hard for us, so it's not a choice to be taken lightly - but I can see that you haven't, and you've spent a long time dwelling on it. Ask yourself if, in ten years, will you be a happy man who went through a phase of worrying about your obsession (and are glad you didn't transition), or will you be a man who never fulfilled who he truly wanted to be?

I hoped that helped some. It's also noteworthy that the percentage of autistics within the transgender community is greater than in the general population, although nobody really knows the cause.

I'm a small male and gay.. I was teased a lot about looking feminine.. I even pretty much only listen to female singers and rappers.. for me.. I think it's whatever makes you happy!!

I think though just being cool with how you naturally look is good enough!! !

I know people would disagree but if you are born male .. you are born male etc etc and just go with the flow of how your body was born...

Eat healthy and just wear whatever you want.. I too can get obsessed about stuff so I understand what you are saying..

Lately strangers have been calling me "she" more often

My appearance and voice apparently changed rapidly.

Usually I avoid looking in the mirror

And wear hats and hoods up