Pressured to be bisexual

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Two years ago I was apart of an LGBT dance trope which consisted of 5 people. 3 people were non-binary but everyone was of the female sex. I told everyone I was a lesbian yet when the other cis-gendered girl asked me if I was ever excited by two boys kissing and I said no, eveyone was surprised. For a group that was suppose to support LGBT, I felt like I was alien among these other female people who were ogling over guys, especially considering that one of the group members tried to get me to watch yaoi. I felt pressured to be more open with my sexuality. I know bisexuals are pressured to “choose a side” but it seems like there is also a subgroup in the LGBT community that feels like it’s somehow wrong to be a monosexual. With some even claiming that “everyone is bisexual”. If you have experience something similar please feel free to reply.

I'm openly bisexual though if I had to be honest besides my current relationship I mostly lean towards women and overall I do find women more sexual for me.

I admit when I came out as Bisexual my partner was fine but some of my male gay friends and other friends went a bit funny with me.

I am also as a bisexual accused of been either "greedy" or before my current relationship when I admitted to someone in my old job that I was attracted to both I was told that bisexual people tend to be simply desperate so they open all there options.

I don't find true bisexuals to be greedy. I just feel like they have their cake---and they eat it, too---and that's okay.

I'm a pure heterosexual myself. I don't believe I would be eating "delectable cake" should I be in bed with a man. I don't like the idea of it myself.

Sexual harassment of the "queer" kind? Yeah, it happens to gynotropic cis-males, too.

There were some gay men at university who insisted that any man who did not have a girlfriend was a closeted gay man, and that any man who did have a girlfriend was a closeted bisexual man. Both instances, they insisted, were especially true if a man was hostile to them ... or friendly to them ... or indifferent toward them ...

I think they were just bored with each other, and were trying to convince straight men to "take a walk on the wild side" with them.

I don't know at times I can be sexually greedy. I once had a threesome and it was amazing having my partner and our joint friend latched onto my nipples and both there hands inside my lace panties.

At the time I think I gone to heaven lol.

That's cool. As long as you harm no one, go for it!

The kind of orgasm you want----is the kind that is so overwhelming that your private regions RESIST more stimulation. Watch a video of a lady cat after she made love with a male cat. The lady cat wants no part of the male cat afterwards.

An orgasmic human woman sometimes wants no stimulation from a man, either (for a few moments).

I'm a guy who is sexually attracted to other guys. I'm not turned on by women at all and never will be. I don't care what anybody (including my mom) tries to tell me because I have jacked off to enough gay porn in my life to know what my sexual preference really is.

It's like this, everybody doesn't have to like both apples and bananas. Some people like apples, some like bananas, some like both, and some people don't like either.

Speaking of this, it really annoys me when people like my mom try to say that you can't know if you are really gay or straight unless you have had sex. When a boy claims to like girls nobody questions that he is heterosexual but when a boy says he likes other boys everybody tries to convince him otherwise.

I'm bi and I've never really run into people in the LGBT community pressuring others into being bi/pan, if anything I've run into the opposite, where people treat bi or pan people like they need to "choose a side" or some absurd bs like that. I suppose people might pressure you to be bi/pan if they feel like being lesbian or gay makes you somehow automatically exclusionary of non-binary people. (Which is also ridiculous as I know lesbians who have dated non-binary people before.)

Honestly just do your best to explore your sexuality on your own terms. If you're not into guys, then you're not into guys. Monosexual people have had changes of heart before or had exceptions, but don't let other people pressure you into being something into you're not just to fit in. Hope that helps.

Thank you for your sharing your experiences.

The thing I have to ask is, why would those people care whether or not a person includes non-binary people into their dating pool or not? It’s not like non-binary people are having their rights taken away by some people not dating them.

The thing is, during that summer with the dance troupe, I ended up getting sucked up in LGBT related things, and not in a good way. Essentially I ended up being concerned about trans rights to the point where I started feeling guilty for not willing to date pre-op trans-women. I was surrounded by trans and NB people who saw transphobia in every little thing, from people accidentally misgendering them, to people’s dating preferences.

The general LGBT population may not have problems with monosexual people, but find the trans-activist extremists and they’ll find ways to make sexual orientation, a natural instinct, about transphobia.

May no one dictate to you who you should or shouldn’t be attracted to.

Non-binary people may not have their rights taken away when people won't consider dating them but there is far more to the marginalization of non-binary people than legal or economic disadvantages. Not even considering dating someone for being non-binary absolutely furthers their marginalization in society, although it doesn't sound like that's why you're not interested in dating (some of?) them. Like I've said, I know lesbians who have dated even masculine-leaning non-binary people, but I'm very much a cis male, and I lack the education and experience to help you much with the interplay between the non-binary and lesbian communities. That's waaaay outside of my lane.

As for transphobia, it's easy to get sucked into fear that this or that is transphobic, especially when you're younger and just becoming aware of the staggering extent of transphobia in our society. That being said, you should still take time to look at your thoughts and actions and ask yourself if it could be considered transphobic or if it harms or marginalizes trans people directly or indirectly. You're going to make mistakes. You, like everybody else, been socialized in a transphobic society, so you're going to have plenty of internalized transphobia to unlearn. Being unwilling to date pre-op trans women is a result of internalized transphobia. I won't say you shouldn't feel bad about it, it's just something you have to work past. The pre-occupation with someone's genitals plays into patriarchal beliefs about gender essentialism, where a man=a penis and a woman=a vagina. It's about not reducing someone to their bodily organs when considering them as a possible partner. To be blunt: lesbians who refuse to date women with penises aren't interested in being with women, they're interested in being with vaginas--which is more or less how your average straight man sees his sexuality.

Honestly, I hope I'm not sounding too harsh. I still have my share of transphobia to unlearn myself. It's a continuous process, and you sound like you're just getting started, and that's okay. Just make sure to listen to the perspectives of people who aren't cis and, like I said, always take the time to consider how your words, thoughts, and actions might affect trans and non-binary people. And for god's sake do some research! You'll be able to find much better information out there from someone besides my cis-white-male self lol.

It’s not that I hate trans-women, I’m just not attracted to them. Sure gender is based on psychology, but sex is based on biology and sexual orientation is based on attraction to the physical attributes associated with biological sex. It’s not because of some hidden unknown “transphobia” I’m not attracted to trans-women, it’s because they don’t have the physical attributes associated with the sex female.

Having a sexual orientation does not mean you’re reducing people to their genitals. Within sexual orientation, there are romantic and sexual preferences. I have been attracted to pre-op trans-men before, but I would never consider dating a trans-man because I know he’ll probably want to transition and it would be unfair to make him choose between his transition or his romantic partner. There are also a number of other preferences I have, I would never date someone who is from outside of Canada because I want to be with someone who shares my culture. I prefer to have another non-religious woman as a partner, though I am willing to date someone religious if she doesn’t take it too seriously.

As for my willingness to date NB people? It depends on both their physical appearance AND their personality AND what their transition plans are. Though I’m willing to date some NB people, I still prefer someone who identifies as a woman, because there is nothing sexier to me than a woman, who loves and embraces her womanhood.

If me being unattracted to penises means I’m transphobic, then I’m transphobic. I’m not going to force myself to change my sexual orientation in order to be “inclusive”, that isn’t what civil rights is about, that’s just conversion therapy. It’s one thing to say, ‘trans people deserve rights and respect’, it’s another thing to say, ‘trans people deserve to have a chance to your bed.’

I kind of disagree with you there. I don't think it's wrong for people to consider genitals when choosing sexual partners, considering that genitals are heavily involved in sex.

I do understand what you're saying in the sense that tons of sexual/dating preferences are subconsciously influenced by what we see or learn, but at the same time I don't feel people have to "unlearn" them if they don't want to. Much of dating and sexual selection (which is biological) is discriminatory in nature, and may or may not involve our subconscious biases or prejudices. I don't feel that's really a bad thing, considering that you're choosing people to date and/or have sex with.

I'm too tired to read this thread so I commented without reading a single word... Ha ha.

What you're saying here is what I've been thinking a lot about.

It's because rather common in the LGBT community for lesbians to be pressured into dating or having sex with MtF trans people, even ones who still have male sex organs. If you don't want to, you could be threatened or even told to die. Gay men are pressured too, but I've noticed that the bulk of the pressure is aimed at lesbians.

There's nothing wrong with liking vaginas, or not liking penises. They're sex organs, after all. If you're picking a partner to have sex with, it's natural to pick one who has your preferred sex organ.

I suppose you have a point. I didn't mean to be dismissive or accusatory. I am just wary of being transphobic. And being bi, someone's genitals just aren't much of a factor to me in choosing a partner. But I've never been in a lesbians shoes, so I'll try to give some thought to what you've said. I'd hate to shame lesbians for something without need when society is already much harder on them than even gay men.

Your wariness is understandable. I think in today's world it's impossible to be not be called somethingphobic because we live in an overly sensitive PC society. With that being said, I personally don't think not wanting to date or have sex with a trans person is transphobic if it's because they don't have the genitals you are into, or if they have physical features you're not attracted to.

You don't care too much about genitals, which is fine. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem though with people who try to shame gays for caring about what genitals potential partners have, which is commonplace even in the LGBT community. Some people don't care about genitals, while other people do, and I wish people would just respect that we all have different preferences/standards.