Stunted and confused

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Hello all,

I don’t commonly post often, but recently I’ve been very sexually confused. A bit of background, I’m a 23 year old female who wasn’t diagnosed until 16 with high functioning autism. I also have trouble reading my own emotions until they get rather extreme (I also suspect I have some emotional stunting, putting me behind five years or so...). I have very limited romantic experience. I like to joke that I’m an invisible wall as I don’t attract any attention. I’ve compensated for the lack of attention by burying myself in reseaech and school.

In short I’m very unsure of my sexual orientation and not sure how to go about checking since I’m such an invisible wall. While I find some men somewhat aesthetically pleasing, the thought of sex with one is very off putting. On the other hand, the idea of being with a woman isn’t off putting. I would love some insight into the issue but I don’t wish to talk things over with my family, which has barely begun to understand my autism or weird things out with my fellow grad students who are also not on the spectrum (and mostly male).

Thanks for taking the time to read my somewhat rambling post!

You're probably asexual and either biromantic or panromantic

You sound similar to me. I find it helpful to not try to fit myself into a category, even though it can be practical to do so. It seems common for those on the spectrum to have uncommon orientations. I haven't had any experiences but I already know that there's no exact category for me. Sounds like you basically could lean towards lesbian but who knows. I think it's a confusing thing more most. Me, it was pretty damn obvious yet took me many years to realize. (Probably because I was trying to fit into a category, now that I think about it.) Plus people can change.

I felt super angsty about my sexuality for a long time, partly I think because I didn't experience strong attractions to anyone and didn't have any positive romantic/sexual experience for a long time. If I could somehow force my past self to just take it easy and see what happened rather than getting so fixated on whether I was queer or not, I would, but I totally get just wanting to know, be sure, feel confident in claiming an identity.

It's totally OK if your identity shifts with time and if you want to identify as queer now based on your feelings and that later shifts in any way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Though I feel a tad embarrassed about it, I feel like reading NC-17 slashfics (queer fanfiction) helped me develop a relationship to my sexuality before I actually had sex with another person. (It's basically just free ethical porn.)

As someone who had a very hard time connecting with people romantically in real life, speed dating and internet dating were the things that finally led me to actually have positive romantic encounters. Because I don't often experience strong immediate attractions for people, I had to push myself a bit to give people a chance if I felt any sort of connection, and sometimes something more developed.

Good luck and give yourself a break if you can.