It's a different world today than the one I grew up in, but I believe that it's largely the same for a young person, when they first realize that they're gay.
It isn't illegal to be gay anymore, at least not in the USA. But the news is still full of stories of homophobic attacks, both verbal and physical. Some places still imprison and execute. The news is full of this stuff. So the young gay gets the idea that maybe he should keep his new self-realization under his hat, and enters his lifelong closet prison.
He learns to edit every thought before he speaks it, because he is fearful of giving himself away. This editing process gets to be below conscious awareness, because it is constant. It becomes just as natural as putting one leg ahead of the other in walking. So not a natural word proceeds from the heart; but sentences are checked for give-away words and concepts. The original emotional content of the message is buried under protective layers of editing.
And sometimes editing is not quite enough, and you find that you have to dissemble a little to counter anything someone comments on, that make you feel that they are onto you. For instance, I can't help but soak up the view of a handsome guy. "What you looking at?" "Oh, I thought I knew that guy." And the fib finds fertile ground to grow. "What guy is that?" "Oh, someone from work, but it isn't him." These situations abound, and the little untruths begin to stack up. Soon you are lying your way through life, never being yourself; and always trying to be what people expect you to be.
Not being truthful about oneself leads to a lonely life, where you feel as though nobody knows or loves you because nobody has ever experienced the real you. So you organize and have a pride parade to try to turn the rejection you feel into acceptance, in your own mind at least. But society's homophobia comes through loud and clear. "What are those fa***ts so proud of? Why don't they just shut up about their nasty sex habits? Why don't we have a straight pride celebration?"
I do so admire the LGBTQ individuals who live authentic lives, as the people who they really are. But, in reality, the new freedom and openness about sexuality scare me. Today the bible belt sheriff deputy-pastor is in the news for preaching that all gays should be executed. How long until such right-thinking people bring back the pink triangles and concentration camps?
15 Jun 2019, 10:57 am
