Depressed because of a girl

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So, I've been keeping this to myself for a long time but I don't think I can bear the emotional burden anymore.

Practically a year ago I fell in love with a girl. Thanks to her I reaffirmed my bisexuality. But that is not the point here. I've known that girl since we were little girls, we played together; we laugh together; we fight together. I was absolutely sure that the connection between us was reciprocal. Being with her made me a better version of myself.

In september of last year I decided to confess my feelings towards her. I didn't give a f**k if that risked the last remaining iota of my dignity. I loved her. I had to tell her.

For a moment I thought I was going to disgust her and later she would run away avoiding my presence at all costs. But it was not so, luckily. She said that she wasn't sure how she felt about me, because she is, supposedly, straight. But that without a doubt I made her question her entire status quo. We start dating. Sure, me being bisexual and she being ""heterosexual but with a strong attraction to me"". I didn't see any sense in her statement but I ignored it. The only thing that mattered to me was that I was by her side.
We were immersed in a kind of clandestine romance. Her parents are very homophobic, mine are not particularly. Well, my mom is not homophobic, but my dad is homophobic even if he says otherwise. I still haven't come out, but I don't intend to either because, despite everything, I'm afraid of social stigma and my dad's reaction. I know that mom would accept me, but I still fear about the idea. But my "ex-girlfriend's" family case was, somehow, completely adverse to mine. One way or another I understood her. But we still hadn't kissed. We just held hands and hugged each other very lovingly in some hiding place. It was not until december that we decided to make our special date to take a deeper step in our relationship. She was my first kiss. I never thought I could feel an explosion of incessant galaxies in my stomach. I never thought that in my life I could feel something so special and profound for another person, especially for someone of my same gender.

But after concluding that beautiful event, she left me. She broke up with me. She said it was all a simple game to gain more experience. The person who I fell in love so deeply was manipulating me? Apparently yes.
How could I be so f*****g naive? I hate myself terribly for that.

You know, it's really hard. Especially when you don't have any f*****g friend.

All the times that I expressed her what I felt, all the times that I put my trust in her, all those small actions so transcendent for any bond, were in vain.
Because she simply chose to run away. Because what we were doing was "wrong". Because our love was not pure, but clandestine. Because she couldn't break down those barriers so damaging to her integrity. Because the outcome was bilateral damage. Both parts broken, wounded and injured. Because love is not to be understood, but felt and left to be. But she was scared, I know she was, and she hurt us both. Because I was willing to break down those barriers for her, for me; for both. Because when I was by her side, I felt the universe. I remembered that perhaps the world could be mine, and only mine.

Gosh, I'm sorry if this turned into some kind of sh***y poetry, but I can't help it. I feel really bad. It's the first time that I feel like this.

For the moment only the figure of that girl who turned my world upside down remains in my memory. She made me confirm the above questioned with her radiant pearls, her enigmatic and seductive orbs, and her epicurean hair. That with her charisma, intelligence and cunning she bewitched me and made me fall into her nets. And in the same way she manipulated and stabbed me in the back. With empty promises. Struggling with the slightest bit of joy that lay in me, giving rise to my surrender.

I want to die for real.

Everything I'm feeling right now is so irrational that sucks.

I'm even afraid of society, more than I was. I know that there are good and open-minded people, but that doesn't counteract the effect that there are people deeply rooted in traditions and therefore homophobic. At this moment I'm afraid to go out into the world (leaving quarantine aside lol) now that I'm not with her. I live in a laic country, but people are still very religious.

I don't know what to do with my life.

That sucks.

I honestly believe the more you write about it (including in notebooks if you're afraid of being repetitive or not being thorough if it's online) and explore the pain (as you are doing in this post), not suppress it, the better.

The reason I say write my therapist had said to check in with emotions daily, with autism,

like to get it out of your system:

write it out initially u can go on as long as u want,
and later, can limit it to 10 minutes each day so u don't get immersed ...initially it'll be too difficult to stop.
Also with me alexithymia type of processing where i COULDNT label emotions of myself...to improve it,

So I did this thing where daily sometimes several times a day I would check in with feelings as per this
https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-bette ... r-emotions

I saved the image on my cell phone to refer to...
daily I would write it out (only bcuz i had a serious casse of stunted emotional awareness then--u could just do it in your head)

Tick off the words that applied,
Figure out which category was the most ..
Annd then write out the stuff if I felt like it.

It helps with betrayal,heartbreak,etc..

complex stuff evokes complex feelingss and then over time it untangles
and then when it's less knotty (you have a better grasp ) u can move forward emotionally!


i know you can do it, you sound very self aware and smart to be honest.

Researching manipulators, etc , helped me too bcuz of ASD maybe I need to figure out all the details before my mind can stop perseverating over something,
I don't know whether there is an equivalent for u, like do u like to research, listen to music, etc, but yeah

I can't understand enough details to give you 100% advice, and the closest I can personally empathise with this situation in regard to such betrayal is the sort of awful things my brother has been put through via his ex girlfriend that has pretty much abandoned him and poisoned his relationship with other friends.

People are complicated and do stupid things, for reasons of trying to understand themselves or make it easier on themselves in moving forward. Surely she was trying to figure herself out, and she cared about you enough to be as close as she was, as it stands I don't think sexuality is always something as clear as three boxes, and doubly so when young. Again, I can't know all the details, and her comments about it being a game is cruel, I would not be surprised if that is something she says to make it easier on herself, for whatever reason she chose that time. People can be sh***y, but they can just as much be sad by acting out in childish ways from just not understanding.

I think that you are pretty awesome that you had the guts to do what you did, much braver than I am. Being accused of liking someone always made me freak out at the though of inconveniencing them, a pretty big coward. And I had no guts to address thoughts of maybe being bisexual until recently. Have confidence in yourself, don't regret that you took the chance, because as much as you thought this person was perfect, you will find someone better next time. And if everyone in your life is not accepting of people like you, know that it can be you yourself that can bring that change and make them, lots of the things were not accepted before people had the guts to take a chance, and what you already said has sounded brave.

I was once in a similar position to you.

Years ago when I was around 19 i had one sexual experience and it out me off men till my current partner.

I was in college and I was in class with a girl and we built up a friendship and I started to imagine her and me kissing and other stuff. Over time I had the courage to ask her out and she said yes as she said she felt the same way about me.

The first several dates were just hand holding as I was nervous then I had my first kiss and it was like everything aligned it felt prefect like how you described yours.

Then it came to my first lesbian sexual encounter and again I was scared and we were both unsure but it felt amazing and I honestly thought this is what true love is as she made me feel special.

As we laid in bed I told her that I loved her so much I only had been dating her around 3 months but I was desperate to marry her.

A week later we made love again and I asked her if we can move in together after college and she moved away from my embrace and what she said shattered my world at the time.

"This is just a bit of fun right. After this I don't really think I'm gay it was fun but I really think I prefer men. We can still have sex if you want just no strings attached"

I screamed at her to get out and I honestly thought at the time that everyone just wants sex and love is stupid and I based the next 5 years on that by not dating and my next so called relationship was just an sexual arrangement.

My view would only change when I developed feelings for the man who would be my partner and while I was dead set on been a lesbian he changed me for the better.

Sorry for long comment as much as it sucks you will have those feelings again trust me.