gay people using gay as an insult.

Post Reply New Topic

I was in a conversation earlier with a gay man and I mentioned something he didn't like, so he referred to it as "proper gay" to insult it, to which I replied "Ah yes, as opposed to improperly gay".

Personally, I think it's interesting how ingrained such phrases are that even in a conversation between two gay people it can still crop up. Sometimes the phrase can be said endearingly in an ironic way, but that's not what the context was here. It was used to communicate distaste in what was being discussed.

This isn't the first time he's used the word gay in this manner. I do not take offense to this, but I do find it ironic considering the situation. Now, I'm out and he knows this and he's out but to a lesser scale. I think that he's more self-conscious about it than I am, he tends to pride himself in not being like other gays which is fine except when he uses it to insult others for -as he puts it- being proper gay.

I remember meeting a couple of lesbians once where a straight friend had initially mentioned the fact that I am gay to them before our first encounter. One remarked that she wasn't surprised as I "looked gay" and then added "what? I can say that". The tone was playful banter with the underlying implication that such a statement would generally be perceived as an insult in a different context, which has an element of truth to it.

Another time I went to an LGBT meet-up event and two women I was hanging out with were discussing the surrounding crowd. They were annoyed because they felt that straight women were imposing on the meet-up yet we didn't know for sure if the crowd of women were straight or not. Sure, we could assume, but we didn't know. It felt odd being on that side of the conversation for once, being referred to as "we" and hearing another group be antagonised. There was a moment of self-consciousness, a fleeting thought of Wait, am I not straight-passing? They're not questioning my right to be here.

For those unfamiliar with the term, straight-passing refers to a person that is not straight being assumed / perceived as being straight. I often find that others in the LGBT community peg me as not being straight fairly quickly, whereas cis-straight people do not (unless they have a significant amount of friends within the community). This is usually because I have interests and habits that are stereotypically gay but they are typically only noticeable if you are in the know (such as being drawn to a fandom that's lesser known but has a massive gay following).

There can be this imbalance of pressure to conform to fit in with standards and assumptions, but also societal pushback against the same standards which leads to some taking pride in being different and often with a sense of superiority. Even though they're not as different as they might think.

I remember a short video which goes "Haha, that's gay" "Jared we've been dating-" and cuts off abruptly. Personally I do know gay couples that jokingly remark "you're so gay" "no, you're so gay" and I remember cutting in with "You're both gay, you're engaged to one another" one time. In that context, it was mostly positive teasing but you can certainly see how the abundance of using gay as an insult has seeped into gay culture and society in general.

People who've heard the word used that way their whole life absorb those idioms, just like atheists who say oh my god and god dammit.

That said, from my experiences the word gay often gets used in that manner, in a positive manner and in a self-effacing manner (basically like, oh jeez, this fits the stereotype) simultaneously by folks in that community and adjacent to it.

I think that almost anyone who uses gay as an insult, and is some level of homosexual or even LGBT themselves, must be doing so out of some level of internalised homophobia. Granted, I am not super in the know of such culture on personal levels. In the things I do watch is some level of reclamation of having gay mean whatever they want it to mean, not let it stay defined as an insult, or by old tropes. Say that everyone has a bit of gay in them, and get rid of junk like the no homo stuff.