Feeling like I don't belong anywhere

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Either I'm self-conscious or people don't want to be around me. Not only do I have Asperger's Syndome but I'm also bisexual which means I'm attracted to both men and women, while having lots of social difficulties, in a neurotypical, hetero-normal world. Could I possibly be any more of an alien? Girls who used to like me now scoff and look the other way, and every guy at work goes "gaaaaaaay". Heck, I've never even had sex but people act like I'm out to get them. Due to social difficulties, I focus on the job at work and 1. outwork everyone which leaves people jealous and 2. I get nervous around people which makes me a running joke. It's like god dammit.

Do you live in a conservative state of the USA?

Thank you for responding klanka. I live in Massachusetts and always work in a warehouse. Whether I go to the gym or to a warehouse, or food shopping it's like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad guy for being angry about it. One problem I'm facing is having never gone on a date with anyone so I feel unwanted. I've particularly always wanted to go out with a female but a certain darkness tells me that girls just don't like me. The reason I feel bad for being angry about it is because nobody wants to be around someone whose miserable. It's a vicious cycle and a self-defeating prophecy. Either you feel good about yourself and exude confidence or nobody wants to be your friend. No wonder people bully others to feel better about themselves, because people will like them more when they're happy, right? As I get older all of this should be water under the bridge and things will make more sense.

I'll tell you sometimes I have lots of confidence in myself and people like me for it - that's when I've found a way to be accepted by others and it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling good. But it's possible for the opposite to happen and spiral into hell so fast that I don't know which way is up, and I'm promptly abandoned by everyone.

Stranger Things says that it's okay to be different, and "normal" is overrated anyway. May I the find peace and self-confidence that I seek.

You're being picked on in the gym, going shopping and at work?
Don't know if I'm reading that right.
It's a shame.

I may be getting picked on or may not. A lot of people say it's all in my head and I think too much or overanalyze everything. For instance if I'm in a good mood, the happenings around me can be interpreted in a positive way. There's like this doom and gloom filter that gets put over everything often and the world seems like a big "get out" sign, or like I'm a cosmic joke, born to make others laugh without trying; but this may just be me making things up that aren't really there.

I've experienced that. Have you ever been on anti depressants?

Yes. I am currently on Paxil for anxiety and depression. The day when everything seemed to be going wrong, I had not taken medication - plus I went through a lot of social situations (8hr warehouse shift, noisy gym, food shopping at supermarket); I didn't ever get the treatment for Aspergers that kids get these days and just recently started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy; it's like this Silent Hill 2 kind of depression where the world feels like monsters and everyone else says it's only in my head and I think too much. But like... how do I doing that? Some days are really good and some days are really bad, and have had these episodes for as far back as I can remember. I am truly even bisexual or just confused? I don't know. I think stereotypically and feel like I give off vibes by the clothes I wear, the way I walk, talk, etc and can swear that everyone thinks I'm gay. Plus I feel awkward when close to other men so the label that fits is bisexual. But like - am I really? And if I am, does that mean I'm not allowed to like females? I don't like to say anything about it because then what if people treat mistreat me for it?

Hope the CBT works. i've had some bizarre thoughts similar to what you are saying. I can sit here and say they are irrational but in the moment they take over. I'm hoping to get better somehow. I can see that reality doesnt match up with the way I feel about situations.

I have no idea if you are or aren't bisexual. I can say that it's pretty common for people to have questions and not be 100% sure one way or the other. That's okay. If bi is what you're comfortable with, go for it. If you change your mind, that's okay as well.

I do feel it's fair to mention that people assuming you're gay doesn't mean you are bi. A lot of people might give off a gay vibe but be straight. It happens. I'm not sure if that was part of what has you wondering, but my lack of certainty there made me think I should mention it. Sorry if I misunderstood.

I can understand why you might not want to be open about being bi. One of my ex's was a bi man. I always felt bad for him about this sort of thing. He had a class once where he was trying to write a paper about bisexuality and men and how they were so grossly underrepresented and more often than not left out of bi research. It's not just academia that snubs and shuns bisexual men...society seems to do the same. Not everyone, but a lot of people. It sucks. It's nice when you can meet open minded people who are past all that nonsense and look at the person for who they are not who they like.

As to your original post, I feel you on the feeling like an alien front, though for somewhat different reasons. I'm a non binary, cupiosexual, level 2 autistic who suffers from foot in mouth syndrome. It's interesting to try to navigate the world, to say the least. I find it generally overrated and unsatisfying when I do try. Back when I could work, I did the same...hyper focus on the task/s at hand and as a result my coworkers liked me even less for it.

For what it's worth, I find I do the same types of things...see the things around me in either positive or negative ways based on my headspace. I don't know about you, but the inconsistency of that drives me nuts sometimes. My stuff is also heavily impacted by things like how my day has gone...had I been through a long shift, the gym, and grocery shopping, I would have been at the end of my rope. Totally understandable. That's a lot. Here's hoping you get some calm in the next day or two and that you can find a more positive headspace sooner than later.

Thank you klanka and Flea. Flea, I don't give myself enough credit. I compare myself to other people. Aren't neurotypical people able to do all of the same stuff but with much less frustration? I think it's my brain wiring operating in a way that must analyze information one line at a time; either it gets jammed up with too much information or has trouble interpreting information and over-analyzing. There's a good degree of envy for the neurotypical brain - I feel like my brain has loose bolts than need to be tightened, or as my mother says sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't. So I've heard that it's impossible for someone on the autism spectrum to be/become neurotypical which means this is just the way the brain works. It seems totally unfair. Again, not giving myself enough credit for the things I can do/are good at, and focus too much on the negative. In old age I'm going to have a lot of stories to tell. "Do you know how I got these scars, sonny?"

Also, you're right that I feel self-conscious about the vibes I give off. For one I want to be with a female and for two I don't want trouble from people. It's good to have the option of either male/female and options are cool.

@Klanka thanks, the CBT already shows me that other people, even neurotypicals struggle with the same/similar anxious/depressive thoughts and it's interesting to see that vulnerability that's normally hidden. Exactly though, when those anxious/depressive thoughts pop up it's like Silent Hill 2 or hell on Earth. People say it's just in my head but it feels like people really are all grouped up against me and faces laughing from the shadows and gossiping in corners. In a better mood, the world doesn't look that way. How to see beyond that horror? Some who experience the same troubles say FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

Just realized something this morning - that a lot of the way I perceive myself in the way of "may be rejected by others" is not looking good enough on the surface. By this I mean that people go to the gym to look good and avoid looking bad, in an elaborate mating ritual where females get to pick and choose and males have to hit all of the right notes to appear attractive enough. Ever see Futurama - that episode where Zoidberg liked this lady his whole life, but she simply wasn't into him and liked other guys instead? When it came time for everyone to mate, he was left out. And that's how I feel - left out and jealous, and regretful of feeling jealous because it makes me an angry, spiteful person. The impression that I'm left with is everyone else is simply better than me. When I admit this out loud, nobody rushes to my aid unless I'm talking to a counselor or a wise person, and typically people are only after making themselves look good so I do feel overlooked and left behind.

I may also hear the words "bee yourself", and wonder if myself is not; I like computers, video games, dungeons & dragons, breakfast at diners, morning cup of coffee; that is being myself. I'm told that none of these things are attractive and watch jealously as any other guy gets the girl I like

"Being yourself" will probably make it easier for you to find the right person. Don't try to be somebody you're not. Especially-----don't start drinking alcohol just because everybody else is drinking alcohol.

Frankly, there's nothing wrong with liking coffee in a diner, or liking computers, video games, etc. Sounds like you're not all that "weird."

Thank you kraftie

Hmm... watching a TED talk on Aspergers spoken by Richard Coffey, people aren't bothered by me being different. Richard was in the cafeteria in high school and heard someone say "that kid is so autistic", Richard got mad and said that he found that offensive. And it wasn't taken as a big deal. No-one pushed him out the door. This is true when I admit that I have Aspergers, is people will say they know someone whose an Aspie as well, usually a relative. So it makes me feel not alone, not too different, not so ashamed - that someone can listen and understand. Richard suggests: "talk more" - take just 5 minutes out of your day to talk to somebody. Because talking to somebody, as Richard says, makes them feel listened to and appreciated.