I'm ashamed that I am sexually attracted to my best friend.

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I'm struggling with feelings for a friend I have known online for 8 years, he's everything to me and what I want in a friend. We have a lot in common and bond over our love for stuff like Berserk, and Black and Death Metal music. The issue is that he says he's straight, but I do hold doubts sometimes for many reasons, and my issue is that I'm attracted to straight men due to seeing them as the most desirable and superior men. I don't want to hold these feelings because I don't want to be bi or gay since I want to be in a traditional marriage and have my own kids. I worry about him when he has long periods offline due to a fear of losing him, a side of me feels jealous when he mentions him sleeping with women. The ironic thing is we both also tend to be into manosphere content and hold strong traditional views.

I'm ashamed that I feel this way, I don't want to be seen as someone who's LGBT because I keep telling myself I'm not that way. Ever since I felt these feelings I feel I've become more hostile towards gay/bi men. These feelings feel wrong and embarrassing and all I want is for these gay feelings to go away and never return. I had similar feelings like these in HS for a short bit, at 18-19 but forgot about them but now they returned even stronger than before at 24-25. I blame my mother for these feelings.

sexual preference is just preference, like other preferences its not good or bad.

The issue is not your relationship to your friend. The issue is that you're obviously gay, but dont wanna be gay. Not much a bunch of strangers, like us, on the web can help you with.

Gay couples do otherwise traditional stuff ...like settle down and adopt kids. Maybe you can just slightly retool what you want.


As an aside (maybe you just like his singing voice), but why does a guy like you who claims to believe in traditional sex roles ...have an avatar of Boy George?

I dunno. To me its like your avatar says one thing, and your post says the opposite.

You've got nothing to be ashamed of. It's not something you can control. Feeling shame for things you can't control isn't healthy. If you're worried about being gay, then you need to be open to the possibility that you are gay. If you see that possibility as unacceptable, then you aren't going to be able to be honest with yourself about those feelings. If you can't be honest with yourself about those things, then you'll spend your whole life second-guessing yourself. Take it from me, you do not want to spend your life afraid of who you're attracted to. It just ends with relationships and friendships that feel empty and numb.
Plenty of gay or otherwise queer men have supported conservative/traditional values. I might not agree with those values, but that is not to say that there are no gay men who share at least some of your beliefs. Plenty of conservatives and other traditionally-minded people of all religions or whatever are gay. You can be a Christian and still be gay, you can be a secular atheist and still be gay. You will be able to find like-minded gay men if you decide that you are gay or something similar.

I wish I knew what to tell you to do about your feelings for this particular person. If he's straight, and he shows no signs of changing or reconsidering that, then you should probably try to move on--at least emotionally. Your friendship will only grow more strained and painful as long as you try to ignore these feelings. It f---ing sucks longing for someone who will always see you as just another friend.

You want to be close to this person, right? If not romantically, then platonically? Then you need to be honest with yourself--and ideally him too. If you think he won't accept you for who you are, then screw him! You shouldn't love someone who doesn't love you for you. I know that easier said than done, but still. Don't change yourself or censor yourself just to fit in with people who wouldn't like you if they knew the real you.

Hope that helps. Sorry you're going through a rough time.