Issues accepting myself

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I've realized I'm not actually straight but can't accept it. I hold strong nationalistic views am anti Leftist, and used to be very vocal against anything LGBT which has caused me to feel like two separate people. A side of me wants to accept it but I also feel disgust and hatred seeing it as a disgusting deformity. It's screwing up my mental health. I feel being open would just make me look weak and unmanly. I love my best friend, and I have someone I'm secretly speaking to but haven't had the courage to see him in person out of fear of being discovered. My first couple of experiences I did have with someone I cried out of shame, and disgust when I got home because I enjoyed the time, I had with said person.

I don't envy the unlearning you will need to do.

Hug

I am an autistic ADHDer lesbian transgender woman and I went through something kind of similar. You're not alone and you're not a lost cause. Life is tough for us queer neurodivergent people.

I recommend looking into Life After Hate. They're good people.

Also maybe look into the possibility of undiagnosed ADHD? Just saying because of my own experiences.

I have a few recommendations in particular.

• Nixie. 82: TRANSmaxxing w/ Nixie (@ManicPixJeepGrl), Inverviewed by Naama Kates.
• First as Tragedy. Dissecting the (Autistic) Manosphere | A Neurodiverse Commentary on F.D Signifier. YouTube
• Downs, Alan. The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World
• Manning, Jeanette and Manning, Laura. Walking Away from Hate: Our Journey through Extremism.
• Blee, Kathleen M. Inside Organized Racism: Women in the Hate Movement
• Evans, Robert, Stoll, Katy, and Johnston, Cody. "Part One: How The Furries Fought The Nazis and Won." Worst Year Ever.
• Samantha and Angela. "Accountability in the Church of No Forgiveness." The Daily Former.