The Defense of Turanta part 1: A Dull Day.

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I've decided that since I feel more at home here now I feel safe about sharing some of my more elaborate stories. So I would like to introduce you to my latest collaboration with my friend,(who is also an aspie,) The Defense of Turanta! Now this story is technically a fanfiction, due to the characters originating from the anti-world in the Archie Sonic universe, but I assure you it is about as originally minded as I could make it. Now it is a war story, and has violence, some profanity, and suggestive themes so viewer discretion is advised. This is part one of what is as of now a 6 part completed storyline.

(Click here for part 2: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt254240.html )

Plot overview: Our story takes place on the alien world of Turanta during the Winter. The Anti Mobian Army has a planetary garrison on this planet due to having peacekeeping operations in exchange for Turantan arms. The First.Recon.Operations.Special Troopers division is currently the garrison situated in the Turantan cultural city of Myza. FROST Company is being lead by AMA Colonel Balta Nina Baldrova the wolf, and her Turantan cultural attache Patrik. For months things have been quite and it seemed the local CCI militia has been calm around Myza and many AMA personnel have been in a relaxed state. Soon however that will all change.

Warning: Story is not intended for the usual younger Sonic fan audience. I advise those who cannot handle a little profanity and violence to please refrain from reading. To the rest, enjoy!

Colonel Balta Baldrova stood in the command bunker overlooking the Turantan cultural city of Myza one cold morning on Turanta. She got up early that morn and thought she would go from her quarters to the command center, the nerve center of all AMA operations in Myza. Balta was in her standard non-combative uniform, armed with a concealed sidearm.

She walked into the command center and saw STFEC agent “Zero”, otherwise known as Patrik by her and her comrades smoking in the corner of the room. She tried to keep her distance while she did it as she had heightened senses due to her training.

Batla instead walked over to the port overlooking the city of Myza. The command bunker was placed on a hill overlooking the Turantan cultural city. She could see it is still snowing outside, it was in the winter and on the mountains they could expect snow very easily.

“Still snowing up here, almost like at Outpost Aurora.” Balta thought to herself.

Balta loved snow, it reminded her of her home city on Moebius, and even more of being in F.R.O.S.T Company with her fellow comrades. She liked that she was assigned to an AMA outpost in the northern region on the prime world. Now she was coordinating AMA forces on Turanta however.

Balta walked over to the communications console and turned it on. She looked through the logs to see if anything interesting was happening on the patrol teams in Myza, and on the borders between West and Old Barunia. To her surprise however there was not much negative activity reported by the squads in the field.

“Hm, perhaps Sgt.Marcus has gotten himself into some trouble.” Balta thought to herself amused while she switched to see if he reported anything. Yet to no avail did she find her detached squad mate reporting any disturbances.

“Perhaps Marcus needed a change of scenery. He seems to be taking his job more seriously

since he arrived on Turanta, or perhaps he misses the Field Leader like me and is bored.” Balta thought to herself as she turned off the console.
She then yawned and walked over to Patrik who was still standing in the corner taking a smoke.

“Nothing to report from the field colonel?” Asked Patrik as he took a puff.

“Not a thing, not even with Marcus.” Balta thought in here head

Balta was born a mute, but had learned that she was telepathic in her Psychic Guardian training. Growing up her silence made people around her nervous. On her world a silent female meant a deadly and cunning one.Balta’s reputation as an expert markswoman and a quick melee attacker fed this reputation.
“Yeah, Marcus usually is a troublemaker.” Patrik said.

“He is a brave soldier as well fortunately. Brave, but foolish and impulsive.” Balta responded to Patrik telepathically.

“Well you need to enjoy this peace here while it lasts. Turanta is always fighting. “Patrik told her.

Balta nodded. She then started to walk away from Patrik, he was a good comrade and all, plus he was a tremendous help seeing as this was his own planet, but did he have to smoke every second? Balta thought.

She walked up to a fellow Psi-Trooper. It was odd for her to have another member of the Psychic Guardians around her now as she was F.R.O.S.T’s only psychic member, save Field Leader Trotsky himself. With only a thought she ordered the soldier to keep a watch while she went back to her quarters. She could sense in the trooper he was not a turncoat, most AMA psychics would have rooted out such fickle minds in training.

Batla went into her quarters and suited up. She wanted to do some in the field recon to find a certain mercenary that has plagued the AMA ever since her forces landed on Turanta.

He was no novice however and was able to almost kill her and another sniper in the field. Balta got on her DLAD armor and checked and loaded her psi-rifle. She opened the door and walked out to see Patrik standing in the corner.

“You are going after major Fenris aren’t you? Impulsive.” Patrik said as he took another puff.

“You know we have to put him down Patrik, he has been in most major battles on Turanta, and has constantly hindered our forces. “Batla replied telepathically
.
“He’s good Batla, probably the best. He will only show when he needs to and he will have a trap for us when he does. It is best not to try to draw him out, but to work together to take him on.” Patrik told her.

“Perhaps I should do recon then?” Asked Balta.

“We do not want to stir up more political s**t on my planet Baldrova. The fascists in West Barunia have been calm, we do not want to shake the beehive just yet. “Patrik replied to her.

“How about I show you a good bar today? I know a pub that makes the most authentic Cavarian Cinnamon you will ever have the pleasure of tasting.” Patrik invited unusually courteously.

“You know how lord Bradanska feels about AMA personnel consuming alcohol.” Balta replied.

“True, but you know how he loves to foster relations between planets as well.” Patrik said.

“Am I not the AMA’s cultural attache’ on Turanta?” Patrik asked.

“You are.” Replied Balta mentally.

“Then would it be good to share cultural relations while on my own world?” Patrik asked trying to coax Balta.

“You have a point.” Balta replied.

“Fine.” She said.

“Off we go then.” Said Patrik

I saw your remarks about whether to give up writing and so I searched out this and read it.

There is one big problem from my point of view that makes this really hard to read -- the use of so many acronyms is very confusing. Every time I get to one one of those acronyms, it feels like I stumbled and need time to get back up to continue.

I don't think that it is sufficient to introduce the meaning of the acronym once and just use it from then on like one would in a news story. It might be better to use very few such acronyms and give far more details and descriptions to help the mind remember them. Better yet would be to use them very rarely and judiciously.

Also, some more work providing details about the setting. For example, is this city of Myza in the desert? On a mountain? In a valley? A plain? Floating on water? Maybe something like Venice or maybe Amsterdam with canals? Are there trees or other foilage? Maybe a few hints about climate as well.

One thing I hate when I run across it is a story or book that opens with some kind of "history" that must be read to understand the story. In this case, this "history" is in the form of a plot overview. Spend some time and effort to introduce what is necessary in the story instead. Remember that the mind can only absorb so much new information at a time. Ramming it all together in a "history" or "plot overview" really hurts the story because most of us will remember only a fraction of it if we bother to read it at all.

Does that help?

Well the Anti Mobian Army(AMA), and the First.Recon.Operations.Special.Troopers(FROST) have references to them over the internet where I posted information concerning them. I can link you to them if necessary. (Eventually I thought the story would bring more detail to the factions as the story dragged on, but I guess not.) The CCI are forces of a fascist part of Turanta,(you have to read the map my friend to understand, but it is on Deviantart.) The thing is my friend has renamed his factions from the Turantan Kingdom, to the CCI, to the Chanzesar,or (something like that). I just took the CCI as they are the ones usually attacking the AMA, as for the AMA just know they are the protagonist army in this story.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q= ... 2I&cad=rja

http://sonicfanon.wikia.com/wiki/File:A ... uranta.png

I was planning to go in more depth about these two factions later on in the story. Plus this is not the only story I plan to post about them, but fist I needed to get comfortable on WP to post my Sonic fan character stories.

From what my friend Patrik has told me it is based off of the city of Prague in the Czech Republic.Myza is overlooked by a mountain which the Anti Mobian Army have made their command bunker on. (I am not sure if there are mountainous regions near Prague, but I thought of the mountain bunker idea.) Turanta varies in climate, but as far as now it is the Winter season. I would believe this would be a reference to the mountains in Austria, where my friend Patrik lives.

I see, well there is a whole lot of information since me and my friend spend a long time working together on this universe. (He has several planets, so do I in this series with several factions.) I suppose I would have a problem explaining the story from one site to another without knowing my characters histories now wouldn't I? Well if you are curious I can post some links to the back-story of many of this.

Doesn't all this severely limit your expected audience?

From my point of view, every novel and every short story must be able to stand on its own. Most people aren't going to be at all interested in reading a number of other books and/or short stories in order to understand and enjoy a new short story.

In contrast, if you think back to Isaac Asimov's "Foundation Series", each novel stood on its own while also contributing to the series as a whole. You didn't have to read them in any particular order to enjoy them. If you just read one of them, then there would be some details you might miss, but overall you would normally still enjoy the book.

Consider the Harry Potter books in a similar manner. One could pretty much enjoy just about any one of the books in the series even if one hadn't read the previous books. That said, I don't think that really applied to the final book which I considered rather disappointing.

Remember that the purpose of writing is to convey information about your subject. If you leave your reader bewildered about what you were trying to say, then you have not achieved that purpose.

One other thing. I'm rather puzzled why each piece of the story is in its own thread. If someone is interested in reading the story, they have to hunt down multiple threads.

Why not put them all in order in one thread from the beginning? Not only would people be able to read the segments in order, if they have the "Notify me when a reply is posted", then they would receive a notification whenever you posted the next section instead of hoping they just happen to see the new segment when it is posted.

Well this is essentially a gift to my friend. I am not expecting it to become famous our anything, just to provide some depth between my friends universe and my own. Also once you take out the acronyms it just becomes a normal sci-fi war story.

Well keep in mind I am usually writing shorter stories, so having to make one that has an ongoing continuity while keeping interest, and making based off my friend's works poses a challenge for me.

I've never read Harry Potter.I know this, but this story is made to please my friend like I said.

Well I suspected that they would lose place under the humongous wall of text if I just put every chapter in one single thread. Plus if they lost their place while reading they could just go back to the chapter page more easier then having to scroll throw wave after wave of text to find their spot. Also it gives the story a more chapter book feel and allows me to continue writing as I am while allowing people to take in a chapter at a time.

Also the site I am posting this on does the same thing, while it may not be common on this forum it is standard on that website.

That's a good reason for not posting the entire chapter in a single post. I was thinking more along the lines of posting them in managable portions in the same thread. That way they would still be broken into smaller chunks but would all be readily available in order without having to search back and forth.

By the way, it probably sounds like I am being over critical. I really don't mean it that way. My remarks are mainly intended to be suggestions. Like many others, when something is bothering me, it tends to affect my responses in completely unrelated areas as well.

I see, well the issue then is I keep on writing. So I cannot sort them out. XD

Oh no, you are fine. At least you are telling me something about it, (my brother just calls it stupid and asks why I even bother.) I see, plus you are not as used to my characters as my normal audience. It is as if you read a comic about Batman and Superman fighting, and you think "why are theses two muscular men in tights beating each other up?" I do admit this is a bit of a inside/closed story where you have to know the characters, but it is a gift to a friend of mine who knows my characters very well anyway.