what are you listening to THIS VERY SECOND?

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R, this one's for you. Be proud of me, I didn't punch your mom at your funeral. Funny thing though, I don't know who I want to punch more tonight, her or you. And you know why.

I, I blame you for this weird trip I'm taking tonight. You are the first person i ever knew who took their own life. I was going through that box and found this thing I wrote to you years ago. It hit me hard, I guess. Did I ever tell you thank you for giving me a place to crash when I was 14? Did I ever tell you thank you for nights of talk and music and escape from reality? Trash bag weddings? Or for that matter, introducing me to Depeche Mode. How many nights kicked back, relaxed, sipping cheap crappy booze, dreaming of more and coming to terms with who and what we are... ah childhood.

W, I loved you. I always will. You got me. I'm still carrying you here with me. I can think about the ridiculous things we used to do, the weird places we found ourselves (seriously, a baptismal? lol) and the important spaces you found your way into. It might make me laugh or smile. But what always gets me most about you was that you have always been the one person in my life who could see through me. And the only person who has ever made any sense to me.

M. I know. It's not Otep. I'm sorry. I just think of B and I can see you singing this to her if things hadn't been the way they were. She did love you, you know. I don't know how she made it through your funeral, but she did. You would have been proud of her. I'm sorry you got dealt the hand you did. You didn't do a thing for that. I can't and won't judge. I'm glad we got to share some time and space. My life is better for knowing you while I did. Thank you.

I., do you remember this one? I know you heard it, but I don't know if you paid mind to it. You were so young when I was playing this stuff. But you and C destroyed my table once while this was playing. C was just talking about you the other day. She thinks of you all the time.

You're an odd one for me to dedicate a song to, given you're my nephew and not an old friend. History is different and all. I still struggle to know how to honor you in the now. The best I have is to mention you when people try to downplay trans issues...though I do confess I go on a tirade about your grandma, but I have a hunch you'd approve. I'm just glad you knew that I love you and accept you completely. Your mom is okay these days and you'd be so proud of your little sis. Yeah, I said sis. She's brave like you to. Love you, mister.

And onto the was it a sui thing or an od thing category.

Aunt J, I'm starting with you lady love. I have your poster hanging behind me and your pic in my dining room. Got your macrame on a wall in front of me. Your monkeys help keep some of my books in place. I miss your drunk calls. Is that a thing? Do people actually ever miss drunk calls from anyone? I miss yours. You were more of a mom to me than my own ever was. I knew you loved me despite being the train wreck I was, I am. And yes, yes it always was nice to get those letters in the mail. You were always perfect as you were to me. Thank you for everything you are.

H. You remember D bringing you lasagna? I hope you two are looking out for each other now. Your death messed your sister up pretty bad. She and V talked a bit here and there after shtf. Me? All I can think is ducking out of that place and heading out to the flats. I recall stapoppa talk and wandering through trees as vegabond kids. Don't start in on me for all the zip lock bags. I just always figured you'd outlive me. Life's weird, man.

i was going somewhere else with that, oh distraction:

J... I got a bone to pick with you, man, and you know it. I'm not talking the stunt you pulled. That I get as much as I can. I just figured we had an 'honor among thieves' understanding. Seems I was wrong. Still, I have no idea how to stay mad at you for all that. Even though I should. You got me torn like that back then and looks like nothing much has changed. Sometimes you meet people who seem somehow more than the crap they're drowning in and it's like there's this moment of mutual recognition and understanding. I hate to think I was wrong about it with you. Am I delusional? I never got to ask you then, and lord knows I can't now.

You say you feel so empty
That our house just ain't a home
That I'm always somewhere else
And you're always there alone

Foo Fighters-Learn To Fly (makes me wonder if tenacious d loves them)

Gotta love Rosie Langley