Ladies and gentlemen... the WrongPlanet writing showcase

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JPanzer
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06 Jul 2009, 9:48 am

Something i wrote during yet another session of depression i had during Maths.


Floodgates open spilling scarlet oceans,
Scarred, twisted, destructive emotions,
My mental anguish fades away,
Alas, it'll come back to fight for another day,
I must prepare my satanic blade,
I must keep up this unearthly charade,
To win this war deep inside my head,
I lost the chance of victory as soon as i bled.


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And I won't always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away."


Bassman
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14 Jul 2009, 8:41 am

Wrote this a while back when things went s**t.

If I knew whats happening inside my mind,
I would do anything to unchain the gate and get inside.
It ruins everything.
It makes me run and hide.
You dont wont to bother with the reflection in your eyes.
A problem shared is a problem spread, and Im as neurotic as ever.
I feel like a ghost anyway, ever since I was born.
Hit with a rose, but never removed the thorn.
With the wound open and displayed up on the wall,
Im going to end up being the only utensil alone in the draw.
But I dont care anymore.
I dont care.



:oops: Dont laugh.



Keeno
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20 Jul 2009, 4:33 pm

Another story I just put together. It has one or two allusions to the previous story I posted.

I am aged 41 now. For all but the last decade I led a normal life. Or at least I thought I did. I had no reason to think otherwise.

I had no option other than to think I was normal. It was what society expected of me. Even if I thought deep down I might not be.

As I reached the age of 31, I was at my wit's end, at the end of my tether wondering why - although I thought I was normal, I was not getting along very well in the trappings of "normal" life. Especially meeting, and making relationships, with women. I wondered why I was only getting anywhere with women at Sainsbury's. Surely that wasn't "normal".

Desperate for solutions, I went to my GP. I was willing to look anywhere for assistance. Why was the life of someone apparently "normal" not turning out in a "normal" way?

It was from that consultation with my GP that my life changed. I was diagnosed with a syndrome. A syndrome that makes me extremely talented. That was why I wasn't really normal. I thought, "Wow". This news gave me a new "oomph", a new vibrancy. It was like winning the FA Cup. I knew it paid off not to be normal.

This syndrome has features such as being good at communication, due to my vocabulary, and my phenomenal memory, and general knowledge, and my prowess in pursuits such as Scrabble. The syndrome also causes me to be able to make sparkling conversation and connect well with others due to admittedly obsessive interests (the Sainsbury's thing was discussed at length with my GP). It is what causes me to be very academically bright, meaning there's no limit to how far I can go in life, as doors are open in any field I wish and I can get a job anywhere due to academic performance.

Anxiety can be a side effect of the syndrome. But that’s a talent in itself when it occurs, as it shows me where people with my syndrome can be better supported, and helps me in stating the case for fairness and understanding. Other powers the syndrome gives me are useful sensory skills like detecting temperature, sounds, smells and details such as correct language usage better than typical people.

Speaking of which, here’s a little story. When I was 35 I did have a girlfriend, named Kathryn. Kathryn was a doctor, so she was super smart. With my eye for correct and proper language I noticed, as smart as she was, she didn’t seem able to use capitals when typing, including when typing her own name. To cut a long story short, my curiosity about this led to a bust-up. A case of my super powers getting the better of me.

Greater self-awareness and knowledge of my extreme talent would later enable me to become chief executive of Sainsbury's, and World Scrabble Champion.

But back to the present, I just told a friend Jessie that I've just been diagnosed with a syndrome which gives me all the super-powers I've just mentioned. How I have the special power to focus so well on things, helping me do anything I want to do. How my GP told me that some guy on the continent, who lived during the early 20th century, his name sounded something like Mr Asperger, had powers just like mine. How I'm so impressed with that.

My friend had a special admission to make too. She has the powers a famous person was known to
have, in this case another continental chap Mr Bleuler. These powers include prediction of the future, being able to read people’s minds, and the insight to see and hear stuff no-one else can. It really helps Jessie to think very well outside the box and have a lot of unique ideas, perceptions and takes on life. I thought, "Wow, that's just as amazing as my powers" and wished I had them.

To prove that like typical people, I don’t get things right all the time, I once said to Jessie, “Are you delusional or something?”

“I’m delusional? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’m thinking that it’s probably better if you don’t talk to me any more.”

That was that, but there’s no doubt I have done extremely well due to my powers.
[i]



idiocratik
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14 Aug 2009, 11:40 pm

Here's a few of my poems:

the lizard man

the lizard man sleeps in a magnetic bed
by a radio tuned to a song in his head
and he's dreaming of times when there won't be a need
for human devastation, in the name of some creed

he remembers the future, he imagines the past
in a series of visions that he knows will not last
but he knows there's a reason, why it all has to end
When he wakes he'll go on as the travesties bend

the lizard man sleeps in a magnetic bed
by a radio tuned to a song in his head
and he's dreaming of times when they won't be afraid
to break from the strings of this flesh masquerade

he can see through the static, he can peer from the stars
and he sees what's behind all those glamorous wars
but he knows there's a reason, why it all has to end
when he wakes he'll go on if just to pretend

but he isn't alone, and he's not without strength
and in time he will sever the desolate length
of a thousand year reign that has lived on unseen
for he cannot know peace in the hours between

soon the moment will come, and our planet unchained
and the world will know peace, and our freedom regained
as a martyr reversed he will stand and expel
to the death will he end all the despots of hell

the beggar

the wind was her music
unknown melodies caressed
rippling light in her hair
like leaves the sun undressed

the sea was her spirit
brushing the shores of my mind
cleansing the darker sides
with her ominous tides

i am an exile of her heart
a breathless beggar with wings
pleading silence to depart
and let in all her love that sings
i am a pagan to the rest
a godless lover of spite
as the decadent i ’ve become
starving endlessly for her…

dead light district

heartless harlot, make your way
through desperate homes of disarray
and fill their heads with petty tongue
so they may feel forever young

and in their moment of your lie
they sadly smile and kiss goodbye
all hope of ever getting through
to any light that's left in you..

you wander wayward through the streets
to find your peace beneath the sheets
but all you give is space between
and let your visage go unseen

there's consequence behind your smile
and lust for pain as you beguile
they'll never know how much to take
and soon enough their hearts will break

the sanity and strength to shield
their skin and soul and shame revealed
will lose its grip and deem them dead
if not the flesh, then in the head

so thus again you pass along
and manifest your right in wrong
with livid kiss and siren hiss
to once again inflict your bliss


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tinmaiden
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16 Aug 2009, 2:45 pm

idiocratik wrote:
dead light district

heartless harlot, make your way
through desperate homes of disarray
and fill their heads with petty tongue
so they may feel forever young

and in their moment of your lie
they sadly smile and kiss goodbye
all hope of ever getting through
to any light that's left in you..

you wander wayward through the streets
to find your peace beneath the sheets
but all you give is space between
and let your visage go unseen

there's consequence behind your smile
and lust for pain as you beguile
they'll never know how much to take
and soon enough their hearts will break

the sanity and strength to shield
their skin and soul and shame revealed
will lose its grip and deem them dead
if not the flesh, then in the head

so thus again you pass along
and manifest your right in wrong
with livid kiss and siren hiss
to once again inflict your bliss


I really like your work. Your grasp of the lyrical is admirable.


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Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.

-Fyodor Dostoevsky


idiocratik
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16 Aug 2009, 4:32 pm

tinmaiden wrote:
I really like your work. Your grasp of the lyrical is admirable.


Thanks. I don't think I've written anything in over a year. No inspiration, I guess. I wrote Dead Light District after an experience with this girl who had some serious issues. I felt like I was being led on and pushed away all at the same time.

I believe this is the last thing I wrote, somewhat based on a dream:

they came with the storm

they came with the storm
with an inverse appeal
and a voice that could silence
every blinding ideal

they know only sadness
only shadows and pain
and they thrive on our sorrows
in a desperate plane

would they ever feel pleasure?
could they ever know love?
in some grasping conclusion
that they're unworthy of
could they find some solution
to the horrors they bleed?
could there be some compassion
in this desolate breed?

they came with the storm
in a westward black wind
and they sang in attrition
with no hope to ascend

their ominous pleads
will bring them no boon
thus their imminent rest
is never too soon..


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asobi_seksu
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19 Aug 2009, 7:53 pm

a few poem/lyrics of mine.
need to start writting again as the summers pre occupied me too much D:



learn

are you coming out today?
I dance through trousers and dresses
meet my eyes in the mirror and weep
Do not touch
This is something not meant to be felt
and if you'd been young in those days you wouldn't be young now.
And the time is now.

you're gonna have to sink or swim

Its better to be a non swimmer
the shallow end of the pool is safe
until a young one chokes and dies
still floating with water wings as his mother cries
I will learn
I will learn to swim

Look at your face and can't understand
these days will age those who are the most childish at heart
5am and crying into a tear sodden pillow case
some musician plays to the ship sinking under the waves
the captain stands awaiting the inevitable
I will learn
I will learn to swim

belligerent people wherever I go
I grow fond of you but a smack sets me right
No need to ever escape or formulate a solution
I will leave this place a peculiar nuisance
can't convey the hopelessness no longer
Its best to just push the chair away

I'm not alive
Jut wasting time that someone else would spend much wiser
I will learn
I hope.

Blue Roses...
For once I must venture
out like the fragile glass that only shines at certain angles
A glass menagerie
and I don't want to break and cut you
when you try to catch my shards
I think you're the one for me
I'm just not right for myself
If you're willing to have me then you can
If not I can understand
I will understand


an inferiority complex keeps me grounded and meek
I go through the motions
each day,
each week
never going to change unless I fall off the shelf
after all
diamonds are just coal really.

my chest cannot take the pressure of a smile
It might take less muscles but It is a strain to me..
Gradually then suddenly I will be alone again
So don't leave unless with me
don't leave by yourself.
Touch....
Air.

glass menagerie



the fire of human desperation bruns without remorse
it will continue after everything takes its course
she shall sit among the weeds appearing debonair
hunched back and hunched future
nothing left to spare

all of the sylables may falter on your tongue
you see a creature so mis-guided yet so young
you hand me down shoes that I can never fill
I can't stop moving but my mind lies still

come on what do you think would happen?
pandora trapped inside
come on what do you think will happen?
the living bide their time...

eyes belonging to a person I don't know
the camera is erratic but the film is slow
i lie and yet I grow so tired as I wait
dreaming dreams I hope transpire
i hope its not too late...

come on what do you think would happen?
pandora trapped inside
come on what do you think will happen?
the living bide their time...

the fire of human desperation bruns without remorse
it will continue after everything takes its course
she shall sit among the weeds appearing debonair
hunched back and hunched future
nothing left to spare

come on what do you think would happen?
pandora trapped inside
come on what do you think will happen?
the living bide their time...



Skilpadde
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13 Sep 2009, 4:14 am

The unknown people

”I wonder why vampires can’t take garlic,” Hilde thought out loud while studying the pizza slice in her hand. Her friends moaned. Hilde was obsessed with cryptozoology, monsters and legends, and her friends were tired of hearing her latest theories.
”If that’s the case, Hilde, then you must be a vampire!” Conrad snickered and put his arm around his new girl friend. He was seeing someone new every week.
Hilde made a face at him. ”Maybe it’s just superstition…”
Bitten laughed. ”Vampires are superstition!”
Everyone but Hilde laughed.
”Oh come on, Hilde, you don’t really believe in this either,” Haakon said.
”A lot of cultures have believed in it through the ages,” Hilde pointed out. ”Something must have given them the idea…”
”In my homeland many people believe in strigoii,” Cosmin drawled, with a subtle smile. His fingers brushed through his coarse dark brown hair, and Hilde couldn’t help notice how handsome he was. She smiled at him, grateful.
”Only on the countryside,” Vali responded quickly.
He was Cosmin’s twin brother but the two boys were not similar in any way. Vali was significantly smaller and more slender than Cosmin, with a thin face and straight black hair. Vali always seemed nervous and quiet while Cosmin was self assured.
”We’re not living in the medival ages in Romania,” he added while staring down at the table.
Inga noticed the time. ”Oi! I have to get home, my folks will freak if I’m not back by nine.”
”Same here,” Haakon chimed in. Both Haakon and Inga had very strict parets who didn’t allow their children to stay out late, despite the fact that they were nearly adult.
The conversation continued but now it turned to more ordinary topics. By the time Hilde decided to go home, darkness had fallen. She dreaded walking the dark streets alone.
”Shall we go together?” Cosmin’s dark voice sounded behind her. She turned to see Cosmin standing in the doorway, and Vali just behind him. ”We’re going in the same direction anyway.” He smiled that charming smile of his. Vali looked miffed.
Hilde and Cosmin walked side by side in the moonlight, with Vali following a few meters behind. The conversation flowed easily between them, and soon they had reached the street where the twins lived. On the third floor, nearly hidden behind the curtains, she saw mrs Celmare peep out. The boys’ mother was a diffident and seemingly easily scared woman, whose reddish brown hair was always hidden under a kerchief. Usually shifty-eyed, her gaze was now resting on the three teens standing on the curb. Cosmin turned to see what Hilde was looking at and mrs Celmare withdrew.
”Mom’s getting anxious,” he snickered. ”Vali, why don’t you go up while I see Hilde safely home.” Vali seemed disgruntled but he entered the staircase, and Cosmin accompanied Hilde on the last distance to her home. When they were saying goodbye Cosmin asked the question she hadn’t dared hope for. ”Wanna go see a movie Friday?”

Vali grabbed her wrists and stared at her with bloodshot eyes. ”Stay away from my brother!” he hissed stifled. ”Stay away from Cosmin, if you know what’s good for you!” Hilde tried to get free of his grip, but he was too strong.
”Keep away,” he repeated.
She woke up covered in sweat. Thank heavens, it had just been a nightmare. Hilde got up and went to the bathroom to splash a little cold water on her face and hair. Something red hit the sink. Her wrists were red and there was a wound on the right one. Had she scratched herself in her sleep?

The weeks went by and Hilde and Cosmin became an item. Vali seemed to disapprove of it, but he never said anything to her.

Despite her crush on Cosmin, she didn’t forget about her old obsession with monsters. Now she had turned to the topic of witches. As she read, she realised that these wise old women had possessed great knowledge about healing herbs. She giggled. If Bitten had lived in the 1600’s, she probably would have been tried as a witch. Bitten knew all about such things; once she had put a poultice on the paw of her dog when he had stepped on a shard of glass.

One day she was visiting Cosmin and Vali. When Cosmin left the room, Vali broke the silence. He leaned forward and whispered: ”You have to break up with Cosmin.”
Vali glanced toward the hallway looking for his brother, then turned back to her. He seemed even more apprehensive than usual. ”You don’t know what he’s like. When we lived in Romania…”
He stopped when he heard a door be shut.
”I don’t think your brother likes me very much,” Hilde said when she and Cosmin were alone.
”Vali is very jealous,” Cosmin puffed. ”He’ll get over it.”
”Did anything in particular happen while you lived in Romania?”
”Did Vali say so? He’s a bit disturbed, poor guy. He was never the same after the death of our sister.”
”You had a sister?”
”It was a long time ago. Not important now.” He leaned towards her and kissed her. And she forgot all about Vali.

Until she stopped by the grocery store. While she was trying to decide on a dinner, a voice whispered into her ear.
”You’re not good for my son! Leave him alone!”
She looked up in time to see mrs Celmare quickly withdraw. She looked terrible, exhausted, and the skin under her eyes had an unhealthy colour. Shocked Hilde watched her hurry away. What did the Celmare’s have against her?

Despite the unfriendly attitude of his family, the relationship between Hilde and Cosmin steadily grew more intimate.
After a romantic picnic they made love for the first time right there in the grass and fell asleep. Hilde was the first to wake up. Satisfied she rested her head against his chest. Alarmed she opened her eyes. Cosmin wasn’t breathing! She felt his throat. No pulse. Panic stricken she shook him and called his name. A gust of wind hit her. Cosmin opened his eyes. Frightened she told him what had occurred, but he seemed unconcerned and was unwilling to see a doctor.
”Do I appear ill to you?” he asked her and laughed.

Hilde sat in front of the PC in the library, surfing. She remembered the word Cosmin had used some weeks earlier. Strigoii. She had heared it before. It was the Romanian word for vampire. She googled it.
A strigoi could be dead or living. According to Romanian folklore you would be born strigoi if you were born with a tale or embryonic membrane. If a woman had three children who didn’t know their father, then the third child would become strigoi. The same was true for a child born as a result of incest. Her heart missed a beat as she read on. *”Strigoii vii (the souls) leave the body in the night (which remain as dead) and they make bad things: steal the milk of cows, steal the virility of men.”
The body remaining as dead? No, that couldn’t be. She didn’t really believe in this. Did she?
She felt someone staring at her and turned around.
”Vali!”
The boy said nothing, he just stared hard at her. ”Vali, what happened to your sister?”
”Ask Cosmin,” he said hateful and was out the door before she could respond.

She called Bitten to ask for her advice.
”If he steals the manliness of men that could explain why Vali is so small. You should have seen him! He laid there like he was dead!”
But her friend didn’t take her seriously.
”Well, he’s alive now! Calm down; you know this is nonsense. Hilde, I’m worried about you.”

She watched him, wondering. ”Cosmin, what really did happen to your sister?”
He sighed. ”She died in an accident when we were children. I don’t wanna talk about it.”
”Do you have any contact with your father? Does he still live in Romania?”
”What is this, an interrogation? I never knew my father. What’s wrong? You look so pale.”
”You’re strgoii vii, aren’t you? You and Vali both?”
”Enough’s enough, Hilde!” Cosmin said harshly. ”It’s not fun anymore.”

”Hilde, I have to talk to you,” Bitten had said on the phone. ”Can you come by?”
She was standing outside Bitten’s house. Her friend had sounded so weird. Something was wrong. On her way she had felt several weird looks from passer-bys. Was she on the verge of losing it?
Bitten’s mother let her in before she even knocked on the door. ”She’s in her room,” was all she said.
As she walked up the stairs to the second floor, Hilde heard voices coming from Bitten’s room. ”How could you allow a human to see that?”
”You have endangered us all!”
Hilde stopped and considered leaving. Bitten’s door was flung open and Bitten looked at her. ”Come,” she said in a clipped tone.
Everyone was there: Inga, Haakon, Bitten, Conrad, Cosmin og Vali.
”We have been monitoring you. You really wanna know the truth about who we are?” Cosmin asked. ”Both Vali, myself and our late sister are strigoii. My maternal grandfather raped my mother; the result was the three of us. My sister was the third twin. When bad things started happening in our village, she got the blame. She was killed by a mob, burnt alive.”
”Cosmin was behind most of it,” Vali added bitterly. ”I am also strigoi, but years of experience and training have taught me to control it to some degree.”
”I’m a witch, ” Bitten said. ”My grandma taught me all I know.”
”Both Inga and I are werewolves,” Haakon admitted. ”That’s why we can’t be out in the moonlight.”
”I’m an incubus,” Conrad added.
”Why wouldn’t you listen?” Vali asked. ”We all tried to warn you.”
”Congratulations, you were right. We exist. You’re the only human being for miles,” Conrad said. ”The only question is: What do we do about you?”
Hilde felt weak. Her head was pounding, she couldn’t think clearly.
Using the last of her energy she ran away screaming.

She didn’t get far.





*If anyone wishes to check out the site mentioned above:

http://maleficangel.blogspot.com/2007/0 ... moroi.html




I got the idea for this one years ago, but for some reason I never got around to writing it until I entered a competition in Nemi, a Norwegian comic. The contributions were to be 3-4 pages long, so I had to keep it short. Writing it I itched to elaborate on it.
I intend to make a new ’fleshier’ version, but anyway, this is the version I sent in.

Lol, sometimes I lose control of my characters. This was supposed to be a story about a girl with a passion for horror, who finds out that her friends are all different kinds of monsters. Her friends weren’t very important in my first idea as other than backgroud. As it turned out I found myself becoming increasingly captivated by the strigoii twins Vali and Cosmin. I am so gonna write more about these characters.


Edited: If anyone reacted to the name Bitten, it has nothing to do with the English word. Bitten is a nickname for Birgitte.



Last edited by Skilpadde on 15 Sep 2009, 11:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Robert312
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13 Sep 2009, 5:13 pm

i AM THE DEAD

FØr6!dden +Ø p055e55 –- 5+r!pped. A ¢a+erp!11er +4n91ed N a we6, My !den+!+y 51 Øw1y 5+ran91ed -- 5!pped. $+a1e 5+a9na+! Øn, + Ømb5+Øne5, fØu1 wØund5 5¢ream!n9.



$ke1e+Øn5 5ham61!n9 +hrØu9h a ¢!+y Of 5ku115. Tr!+e ¢Ønver5a+!Øn: +!red jØke5 ra++1e.

i re+a!n dea+h-1!ke 5!1en¢e +hrØu9h 8Ør!n9 +a1k. #Ørr!61e jØke +hey 5ay, “YØu +a1k 2 mu¢h.”



A wa5p per5ue5 a frAn+!¢, jump!n9 ¢r!¢ke+.

i 5!+, 5+ar!n6, +un!n9 Øu+ +he murmur.

The wa5p a1!9h+5 & 5+ran91e5 +he dØØmed ¢r!¢ke+.

Tr!+e ¢Ønver5a+!On -- $m!1e, “#Øw WØnderfu11”



i a++emp+ 2 e5¢ape & be¢Øme herm!+;

Read!n9, i nØ+e +ha+ +he au+hØr5 R dead.

i v!5!+ mu5uem. 2 k!ndred mumm!e5 9ree+.

i wa1k +hrØu9h d!5p1ay5 Øf dead an!ma15.



i ¢Øn+emp1a+e a pa55en9er p!9eØn;

If Øn1y ma9!¢ ¢Øu1d an!ma+e !+,

!+ wØu1dn*+ B rea1, 6u+ @ 1ea5+ !+ wØu1d 5Øar...

i have 5een 8r!9h+ ba11ØØn5 @ a par+y,
$Øme R pØpped N je5+ -- Ø+her5 1Øn9 1!n9er Øn, 1Ø5e bØuyan¢y, 5hr!ve1 N a CØrner.

May-B +hØ5e pØpped @ +he!r peak R 6e++er Øff? A n!+e dra65 Øn N wh!¢h i ¢annØ+ 51eep.



i AM THE DEAD; fØr6!dden +Ø pØ55e55 -- +rapped.

The map 5hØw5 +here*5 5Ø much fur+her +Ø 9Ø.

My !den÷!+y 51Øw1y 5+!ff1ed -- 51apped.

A11 i ¢an dØ 15 wa!+ 4 +!me 2 pa55.



MONKEY
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13 Sep 2009, 5:30 pm

translation?? I'd like to see what that says


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Robert312
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14 Sep 2009, 7:40 am

MONKEY wrote:
translation?? I'd like to see what that says


FØr6!dden +Ø p055e55 –- 5+r!pped. A ¢a+erp!11er +4n91ed N a we6, My !den+!+y 51 Øw1y 5+ran91ed -- 5!pped. $+a1e 5+a9na+! Øn, + Ømb5+Øne5, fØu1 wØund5 5¢ream!n9.

It's simple I use other symbols for letters.

Forbidden to possess -- stripped. A caterpiller tangled in a web, My identity slowly strangled -- sipped. Stale Stagnation, tombstones, foul wounds screaming.

0 with line through it o, 6 = b, 5 = s, $ = s, c with line through it c, ! = i, + = t, 1 = l, 9 = g.



Skilpadde
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14 Sep 2009, 7:49 am

Simple? Uuhhmmm.. I had difficulty getting through it... Why not just write it with regular letters?



Robert312
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14 Sep 2009, 9:47 am

Skilpadde wrote:
Simple? Uuhhmmm.. I had difficulty getting through it... Why not just write it with regular letters?


I guess it's just one of those aspie things I did once.



Robert312
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Gender: Male
Posts: 279
Location: Birmingham

15 Sep 2009, 9:48 am

The transitions are awkward particularly the part

Quote:
Wanna go see a movie Friday?”

Vali grabbed her wrists and stared at her with bloodshot eyes. ”Stay away from my brother!” he hissed stifled.


It jumped from one scene to another from reality to dream. I was unsure if the walk home and Cosmi asking her out was real or a dream.

I thought it ended too abruptly with an unsatisfying ending. Actually it seems the ending could actually be where it really begins.



Robert312
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Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
Location: Birmingham

15 Sep 2009, 9:57 am

I COULD LOVE YOU

The Smile — a blinding flash that lights the way.
The fire — your honest warmth brightly shimmering,
Magic in your movements, words that you say.
Somehow, you can give, and never get hurt.
A rainbow filled with false colours — the smile,
your kindness, sincere — the illusion fades.
I stare at what can never be, awhile.
I could love you — yet still the hurt is there.

Hidden maliciousness behind your smile,
The ice — your subtle cold bites — shivering,
Magical movements which cast a white spell;
Somehow when you give, you only give hurt.
A mirror — broken — reflecting rainbows,
I slide away — leaving what I've given
(A little frost melted on the windows.)
I could love you, despite the hurt.

Your simple smile, sincereness in the eyes,
The warmth — like a panting dog you come near.
Method in your motion — you sympathize,
unknowingly you bring out what I give.
Rainbows and colours, smiles amidst chaos;
I watch you walk away with someone else.
Just fading — from inside your kindness comes.
I could love you — if you didn't love him.

Your smile, a very ordinary hello.
Your friendship — light is conversation;
The fascinations, things you know.
We give to each other something unique;
Rainbows and brightness, smiles hiding chaos,
Sharing — a pain of glass reflecting glare;
Caring none the less, but then, on we pass.
I could love you, despite our differences.

Your smile shines like a starry night.
Truth — an honest warmth shimmering between us.
That stable magic in your movements light;
Somehow, you give life, and never get hurt.
Bright polished mirrors reflecting rainbows;
Your silliness softens my confusion.
Walking together — easy to share souls;
I could love you — If you'd let me.



Skilpadde
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Posts: 27,019

15 Sep 2009, 11:46 am

Robert312 wrote:
The transitions are awkward particularly the part
Quote:
Wanna go see a movie Friday?”

Vali grabbed her wrists and stared at her with bloodshot eyes. ”Stay away from my brother!” he hissed stifled.


It jumped from one scene to another from reality to dream. I was unsure if the walk home and Cosmi asking her out was real or a dream.

I thought it ended too abruptly with an unsatisfying ending. Actually it seems the ending could actually be where it really begins.


I don't see how that transition was unclear. They were two separate paragraphs altogether. It starts with a group of friends, then jumps to her nightmare. I thought it was clear that only the part about Vali grabbing her was a dream, or at least that she was in a dream like state.
Just for the record: Cosmin asking her out was real. Did anyone else have difficulty following this?

As for the ending being unsatisfying, that's a matter of taste. The ending was clear for me from the start. As I pointed out after the story, this particular version couldn't be longer than 3-4 pages.
I definitely see your point about it being where it might really take off, though.

I am inspired to work more on this one. And the ending will not be the same in my longer version. In fact I'm toying with several different ideas here.