hello everyone
I am trying to type and my fingers feel so heavy as I am drunk on whiskey, in a country that is islamist and believes that alcohol is forbidden, so I guess I am an outlaw here, but that isn't my biggest worry. I am an independent female that lives on her own in a northern African country, trying to survive when it feels like the whole country is against me. am I autistic? I honestly have no f*****g clue! I tried to learn on my own, no body has ever taught me anything except my mama when she told me that nothing is worth being evil for. my father has always seemed like a monster to me, but I'm still trying to find a way to be wrong about this. my siblings have never cared about me but they have never realized that I've never really cared about them the way they thought I did. I've only wanted to see them happy. all of them in fact. And I've always been happy and satisfied on my own. I've never needed them for anything. they don't realize it though. they don't realize that when it comes to me, who I really am, I am all I need. I have never had real friends, although it would have seemed to a "regular" person that I have been a popular person throughout my late teenage years and my early twenties. the way I see it-and I know it is true-is that I've been putting on a façade. I've never really been interested in whatever those close minded lunatics have been interested in. I've always been a free spirited person, always dreamy and thinking out of the box, or should I say boxes? boxes that they have put me in! intentionally and never consensually! I survived my late teenage years though, and all my twenties. now I am a 30 years old woman living in a place that completely hates my guts for reasons I can never comprehend. and I do want to have a family of my own but I know with all my heart that my so called "familly" would hate and reject my kids just as they hated and rejected me. so I promised my self and my future kids that I would never have them in an environment such as this one. but I suppose this is on me and me alone. will I make it or will I not? … Oh yeah, the song I am listening to is _ For My Daughter by Kane Brown.