16 Nov 2011, 10:25 pm
WARNING: If you do love poetry and get headaches from fundamental errors, quickly close this tab or return to a gentler page!
I know this does not fit the structure of the sonnet in that it does not have the plot sequence and I know what M. Pascal thinks about sonnets. However, the only reason I wrote it was stress relief. With my first scientific work approaching publication, I needed an outlet for the creative drive. What I want here is the most honest feedback that stays within the limits of acceptable diction (no reference to mating, excrement, and all that vulgarity).
(KJH) Sonnet No. 6
`1. Oh what a heavy burden knowledge is,
````` To toil while knowing the details of all,
````` And know that knowledge known is but abyss
````` To all things to realize that Man is small.
`5. E'en the common house would dwarf near all men,
````` And of the base, humble, animalcule,
````` All the functions could not be put in pen.
````` Only partly know we of molecule,
````` Emptiness itself presents a myst'ry.
10. Of our tiny rock we know so little,
````` As well, the orb in the sky fiery,
````` Indescribable to us yet little.
````` Oh what a heavy burden knowledge is,
14. Ephemeral are we, the best to miss.
Before you post about horrible scansion, I already know at least three lines that would be best as trochaic pentameters. Could you, would you, help soothe an, "Aspie's," obsession by pointing out other errors? 
I know the flow is disrupted somewhere near the middle, but is there an explanation for the effect of broken flow?
17 Nov 2011, 9:59 pm
17 Nov 2011, 11:12 pm
Since the pentameter requires five beats as opposed to five feet, I assume that my options in the future will be expanded. This has troubled me for some time primarily because I did insufficient research. 
Even the WikiPedia article shows an example with a trochee and another example with the extra unstressed syllable.
1. Oh what a heavy burden knowledge is,
To toil while knowing the facts of all,
And know that knowledge known is but abyss,
And in all things realize that Man is small.
5. E'en the common house would dwarf most men,
And of the base, low-formed, animalcule,
All the works could not be put in pen.
Only partly know those learners of molecule,
Emptiness itself presents a myst'ry.
10. Of our tiny rock we know so little,
As well, the orb in the sky fiery,
Indescribable but of power transmittal.
Oh what a heavy burden knowledge is,
14. Ephemeral are we, best sights to miss.
As it turns out, the odd feeling about inserting the word, "functions," (contrary to the tone of the work) was right. There are combinations of words that function better with some words, and this case indicates the odd instance. However, I will try to keep tone in mind and avoid inserting scientific terms into poetry. I have the same reservations about molecule, although animalcule could be excused on the grounds that it fits more perfectly.
Line 7 still seems out of place, and the, "...could not..." seems to impede the meter, although it does sound better without the strict ten syllable constraint. The next line sounds very odd, especially with the word molecule, and the next line provides a rather tenuous connection to physics. Line 12 is still quite imperfect, but it does sound better without repeating, "little,"
It is pleasing to the eyes that tabs can be inserted by copying and pasting from a text editor. Sorry about using primes for tracking.
In the past, the general tendency seemed to be one of abandoning broken works. The criticism on this site has helped me at least try to fix them and learn from them (And thanks to the advice, I now have more belief in writing, however imperfect, as an outlet for the creative drive).
20 Nov 2011, 4:19 am
21 Nov 2011, 5:02 am
