A short part of my novel - reviews, maybe?

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Ok, I'm currently writing a novel. I don't have that much yet, but I want to know what you guys think about my style. Also, English isn't my mother tongue, so I'm sure there will be some awkward expressions, maybe then you can offer corrections.

Alright, first a little backstory:
The main character is Helena, a human princess. She's currently traveling with a group of warriors and doesn't know a single one of them. She's far from home and feels lonely, because she's 13, just a girl that loves to read. This is basically the character introduction of those warriors.

And here's the part:

The group consisted of eight warriors, six men and two women. The women were Lorana and Faeva, the first a tall, gracious elf with silver hair braided in a heavy cord that reached her knees. She was sinister and solemn and did not bother to exchange many words with either Helena or her companions. Whenever the group set up camp in one of the endless, depressing corridors, she sat down in the most remote corner and played with her weapons, two short daggers of white gold, twisting them around her fingers, tossing and catching them with ease.

Faeva was human and older, a small woman in her forties with short white hair and a small scar beneath warm brown eyes. She carried a dwarven gladius which she called „Rat“ and immediately reminded her of Wylla. In the first night, she had pulled a thin book from one of her bags and invited Helena to borrow it. The pages were dirty and some parts had gotten wet and unreadable, but she took it anyways. It was a story about Mirvanir, the mythical father of all dragons, and after she had devoured it in the first night, she read it again and again until she dreamed of him, the copper brown scales, the burning earth, the cries of men in the battles of Vanar and Akarosh.

The men spoke as little as Lorana. To her, that was. With each other they joked and laughed, but unless she asked for anything, they paid her as little attention as the elven woman. She watched from afar as they sat by the fire, reveling in stories of the victories and defeats they had shared. There was Lester the Black, a tall, bald man whose face was tattooed all over with black wings and ornaments. He usually listened with sneering amusement until he would open his mouth only to utter a hefty joke or a sarcastic remark and withdraw to the silence of his tankard again.
There were Morrin the dwarf, a fat, small man who carried a crossbow, and the half elven brothers Derys and Seigar Morgarion, who fought with double blades as well as with magic.
There was Jon the Silent, almost deaf and a little simple, the only sound he ever made a happy laugh whenever he saw his companions do the same. And there was Vaenir, youngest of them all, a dark-haired elf who fought with bow and arrow and couldn't be much older than her brother Arian. She thought of him often now, even more than of her father and Wyla and Amarri. Arian had always been closest to her, treating her with respect when everybody else only had good advice or strict critique. Vaenir looked very much like him, only that his hair was shorter and his behavior more carefree and airy. One night, when she was so homesick it was a physical pain in her chest, he came to her to crack jokes and tickle her until she cried with laughter.

All together, they were the strangest little army she had ever seen. Unlike the faceless, professional knights at court, they were all clad in different armor, and all of it looked worn out and scruffy. Without a doubt her father would never have considered most of them for his personal guard. And yet she found that she put more and more trust in them every day, and her loneliness became easier to bear.


Yeah, that's all for now.
I'd be especially interested in whether it's too detailed, because I tend to do that sometimes, and whether the characters sound ok to you.

I like the amount of detail you put in. It's just enough without being overly excessive. That, and it's a whole lot better than how I use the english language. As for the characters, they do sound very interesting, though beyond that I'm not sure there's much else I could say as this only seems to be an introduction to them, which is fine. Either way I enjoyed reading it and would like to see more. That said, I'm most likely not the best critic, so hopefully others will read this as well.

well, that was quick
Thanks! Yeah it is only the introduction. Maybe I can post a longer part someday in the future...

lol yeah I suppose. Guess I'll just need time to turn it over in my head before I can come up with anything more thoughtful to say about it like I usually do. Yeah I was expecting it to be a bit longer but it's no big deal, you should just post whatever you want to.

Very good. Your details are fantastic. I'm guessing that by introducing each guard they will have speaking roles or major functions later on.

Just be careful of the few grammatical errors I saw:
1. "There were Morrin the dwarf." It's "there is Morrin the dwarf."
2. "but she took it anyways." It's "anyway." People say "anyways" all the time. Arrgghh!! Gives me a stroke!

I don't know what a dwarven gladius is. Do people who typically read fantasy know what it is? (I'm just ignorant. Don't mind me).

For someone whose first language isn't English, it's surprisingly well-written. I couldn't write something like that. Once, I tried to write a fantasy story. It was bit heavy on expressions, but it was for a mediocre story contest, and I figured the best way to write a mediocre story would be to try too hard. Now, forgive me for the creepy undertone of this part of my post - usually, I compare myself to people older than me for skill level and talent. I've noticed your date of birth is mentioned in your profile as July 17, 1993. You're two days older than me if that's correct. That's frightening, and I'm comparing myself to you now. Thanks for the insecurity.



Will we find out about the background of her travels as the story progresses, or is that mentioned earlier on? There is a reference to her past in the excerpt, with her father's court, and the difference between anonymous, faceless knights in armour and this group of unorganised and chaotic, but more human-like characters.

The characters are interesting. Although little information is provided on their backgrounds, I can bring them and the environment they're in to mind very easily. At the moment, my idea of the world they're in is a combination of Skyrim and the more rugged parts of the Scottish highlands, both environments I like a lot. I think the story needs a good description of the world. Apparently, several famous fantasy writers had their worlds written down and drawn to the last detail. It seems to have helped them a great deal, because they're known almost as much for their worlds as for their stories.



I don't typically read fantasy, but I know enough to have a good sense of what this item is. I've seen and held an actual gladius, so I know what a gladius is - a short sword, and I saw several at museums dedicated to Roman heritage, both in continental Europe and in the United Kingdom near Hadrian's wall. It's really nice, and because it's relatively short and lightweight, it can be used by dwarves more easily. Dwarves, meanwhile, throughout general fantasy and some science fiction, are known for being experts at metallurgy and crafting weapons. Basically, I'd imagine it to be a top tier short sword.

Wow, thanks for the replies!

Yeah, a gladius is a short sword. I figured it would sound more "fancy" than just writing "short sword".

And you're very close, the world indeed is a little like Skyrim, cold and northern.

The warriors will all get speaking roles later, some bigger, some smaller. The excerpt is from somewhere around the first third of the story, and the travels will fill most of it. Also, Helena's background story is already known at that point, because the story starts when she is still at court with her father.

The prose isn't terrible, but in certain places you tell us too much and show us too little. One example:

It work a lot better if you were to demonstrate through actions and dialogue the character's sinister qualities and quietness rather than tell us upfront that she was sinister and quiet.

You might want to read this article to better understand what I'm talking about: http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/ar ... _tell.html

I agree with this. Also, maybe it's just because this is only a short excerpt, but the pace was a little confusing to me. The reader gets a lot of names and facts introduced in a very short time and it's hard to keep them straight, for me anyway. One other thing that made it unclear and required me to reread certain parts twice was an ambiguous pronoun use. Several times you say "her" apparently referring back to Helena, although she hasn't been the subject of the preceding sentences. This makes it difficult to tell exactly who the subject is. For example:



The first time I read these sentences, I thought you meant that Vaenir was a female elf who couldn't be much older than Vaneir's own brother Arian, and who thought of Arian often now. Assuming you intend this to refer back to Helena and her brother, and to say that she thinks of Vaenir often, it can easily be rephrased to reflect that. Using names multiple times in a row might seem clumsy at first, but it can greatly improve clarity, e.g.: "... couldn't be much older than Helena's brother Arian. She thought of Vaenir often now." Sorry if that sounds picky or anal; I see this a lot, it genuinely is confusing, and I'm only trying to help.

I agree that showing is better than telling, but don't I actually do that shortly after? I mean, when I say how she always retreats into a corner alone and prefers to play with her weapons rather than talk to the others?

I'm aware of the "her" issue, I felt it was confusing when I wrote it. This is the first draft, so I'll go over that again.

Yeah, you get a lot of names thrown at you. The reader doesn't have to memorize them all just now though, they'll be mentioned again with lines of dialogue so maybe that'll help.

When I say what I'm about to say, I don't mean any disrespect, alright?

With that out of the way, I'd just like to say that when it comes to writing style, this proposed novel needs some work.

Let's start with the first sentence.

"The group consisted of eight warriors, six men and two women."

It comes off as clunky. We, as the audience, are basically being told how many people there are right off the bat, in the first sentence.

Here, too, we are being told everything instead of being shown it.

"The women were Lorana and Faeva, the first a tall, gracious elf with silver hair braided in a heavy cord that reached her knees. She was sinister and solemn and did not bother to exchange many words with either Helena or her companions"

We are told that she is sinister and solemn but we aren't show how or why she is sinister and solemn. Also, over-doing a general description of physical features, especially when we aren't shown it and are instead told it, is overkill.

It works a lot better if one has them interact with themselves(such as flipping hair, etc. etc.) then if we are basically just told that they have long hair.

Those are just some of my objections. Otherwise, I see nothing wrong with it.

I'm trying to help. The writing is actually pretty good-it just needs work.

Hmm. I can understand what you're getting at. I just don't know how else I would introduce the group. It wouldn't make sense to only introduce one of them at a time, would it? I tried to keep physical information short, but I wanted to point out some of their more striking points like the long braid, so you could at least partially imagine them in your head.

I appreciate your critique, I just don't know how to do it differently. I'll try to think about it.

Maybe if I cut the "she was sinister and solemn" part and replace it by something like "Helena had tried to start conversation with her at the first evening, but the elf had answered every one of her questions with a short yes or no, and the way she had played with her daggers had signaled growing disinterest". <-- yes that sentence needs work, just a quick improvisation.