Film Coursework, Scripting fun times!

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FalsettoTesla
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24 Jul 2012, 9:26 pm

I'm not sure if this is an appropriate place to put this, but here goes. I wrote this for my A2 film coursework (the final results of which I get on the 16th of August), it's my first attempt at scripting. Note, there are swear words which will be censored by the forum's filter - rightly so - and I have formatted the script correctly, I just can't do it this post because I'm entirely sure it allows indenting etc. etc.


Quote:
1.EXT.HIGH STREET.MIDDAY
Establishing shot the high street. The
hustle and bustle of Saturday shoppers can be heard. Two
elderly Jamaican women sit on a bench outside ’Marks &
Spencer’s’ chatting, sucking their teeth at a pair of
girls walking past in low cut tops and miniskirts.
Tracking shot of two white girls, MARCY heavily caked in
make-up and fake tan dressed in track-suit bottoms and a
vest and JODIEY dressed in a boy’s t-shirt and jeans, run
out of M&S, hastily followed by the SECURITY OFFICER.

SECURITY OFFICER
(Out of breath)
Stop right there you little
thugs!

JODIEY
Piss off ya’ fat w*ker!
Jodiey throws the security officer a masturbatory hand
gesture to accompany her insult. Marcy grabs a hold of
Jodiey’s t-shirt and pulls her into an alleyway cutting
between the rows of shops and leading onto another busy
road. They quickly lose the security officer in the crowd.
They walk down the street.

MARCY
(Panting)
That’s the last f*****g time I’m
ever, I mean ever, doing anything
like that for you. Ever.
Jodiey waves her hand dismissively at Marcy.

JODIEY
Relax will you. We got it dint
we? Anyway it weren’t for me, was
it. It was for Mum.

MARCY
Yeah well. I still think it’d be
betta’ to just get her somethin’
from Wilko. Least then we bought
it, dint we. Not like this.
Marcy pulls a picture frame out of her tracksuit bottoms
and throws it at Jodiey, who barely catches it.

JODIEY
(In an indignant tone)
Mind it, you stroppy cow.

MARCY
Oh shut up will you.

CUT TO:

2.EXT.COUNCIL ESTATE.EVENING
Marcy and Jodiey are walking down a road, beside a few
mothers with pushchairs and some young kids on scooters,
there is little activity on the streets. THEO, a tall thin
boy in his late teens wearing a Jack Wills tracksuit,
rides up to them on a BMX.

MARCY
(Whispers)
Oh god, can’t you make your
stalker just f**k off.
Jodiey thumps Marcy on the thigh, and MARCY recoils in
pain.

THEO
(In a gruff, mumbling tone)
Oight Jo, Marce. How’s tricks?

Marcy laughs.

JODIEY
Not so bad. Mum’s birthday, just
been out nabbin’ a few bits and
bobs, ya’ know. You?
THEO starts to talk, but Marcy interrupts him.

MARCY
(In a brash, irritated
voice)
Yeah, so, we have to rush off
then don’t we. Mum’s birthday and
all that, so run off along then.
On your bike, Theodore.

THEO
(Unsure)
Oh... right, yeah. Tell your Mum
happy birthday yeah.
Theo rides off, and Marcy storms ahead. Jodiey almost has
to run to keep up.

JODIEY
Why are you always such a b***h
to Theo, he’s alright you know.

MARCY
(Irate)
Oh don’t be such a mug, he just
wants in your knickers you know.
And I heard he has a tiny dick.
So don’t even bother.

CUT TO:

3.INT.MARCH HOUSE.EVENING
A close-up of ten-year-old ARMANI sat by the window sill
of the living room, her eyes flicker between the outside
and a piece of paper she is drawing on. Panning out to
reveal the rest the living room, which is cheaply and
sparsely decorated. Deigetic noise of the TV is blaring,
it’s tuned to CBBC, news round a doing a story on the
droughts in Africa. Thirteen-year-old BETHAN sits on a rug
on floor playing contentedly with a small pink plastic
keyboard. The sound of MUM cooking dinner in the kitchen
adds to the cacophony of noise.

ARMANI
(Shouts in an annoyingly
shrill tone)
Mum! They’re back!
Mum comes in from the kitchen as the Marcy and Jodiey come
through the front door.

MUM
(In a harassed tone)
About time you two got your
behinds home, I’ve been slaving
away in that kitchen without a
hand all day.

JODIEY
Sorry Mum, but we got you a
present.

Jodiey hands Mum the photo frame. Mum takes a good look at
it, it’s ornately decorated and clearly wouldn’t fit in
with their spartan surrounding.

MUM
(in a delighted tone)
Oh Jodiey, that’s gorgeous. I’ll
put that picture of us and your
dad in it, put it on the window
sill. It’ll look lovely. Oh thank
you girls.

Mum places it on the window sill, shooing an irritated
looking Armani from her perch.

MUM
Now, in the kitchen and let me
put my feet up.

Mum takes a seat on the cheap, white leather sofa, and
flicks off her ratty pink slippers. Marcy goes off into
the kitchen to deal with dinner. Jodiey leans against the
wall next to the TV.

JODIEY
Theo said to say happy birthday
to ya.
Mum pulls Bethan off the floor and up on to the sofa as a
brightly animated cartoon comes on TV. Bethan cuddles into
Mum and watches the TV intently, oblivious of her
surroundings.

MUM
Oh did he, he’s a good lad. A lot
better than that older lot Marcy
brings round here.

MARCY
(Yelling from the Kitchen)
Johnny’s only like three years
older than me! And he’s got a car
and a job, more than Theo on his
sh***y little BMX.

MUM
(Beratingly)
Mind your tone, missy. I don’t
care if he’s got a car or not,
he’s trouble. And three years is
a lot of difference when you’re
seventeen. You’ll see when you’ve
got kids, Marcy. Anyway, Theo’s a
proper good lad, got all those
GCSE’s aint he.

JODIEY
Yeah, he got a few. Anyway he’s
not my boyfriend or anything, I
don’t know why you and Marcy
always talk about him as if he
is. He’s not.

ARMANI
(Self-importantly)
If I were fifteen I’d make Theo
my boyfriend. He’s much better
than Johnny. And he’s loaded.
Mum and Jodiey moan irritatedly.

MUM
Marn, you know you’re not to say
things like that. He’s not
loaded, his granddad’s got money.
That’s not the same thing. Your
granddad’s got money, are we
loaded?

ARMANI
No, but only because dads a idle
benefit scrounger who won’t get
off his backside to support his
kids.

Jodiey smacks Armani’s head. Armani starts wailing. Bethan
starts crying, and rocking hysterically back and forth on
the sofa.

MUM
Oh now look what you’ve done. I
can’t have a moments peace, can
I.

Mum scoops Bethan into her arms, while glaring at Armani and
Jodiey.

MUM
Where the bloody hell did you
hear that, Marn?

ARMANI
(Sniffs affectedly)
Jeremy Kyle.

JODIEY
Well that’s the biggest load of
bollocks I’ve heard. You can’t
have a job if you’re in Prison,
can you.

MUM
That’s enough of that, the pair
of you! I just want a nice, quiet
birthday meal with my girls. Is
that too much to ask? You
Mum points to Jodiey.

MUM
I want you to set the table, and
stop your swearing. You

Mum points to Armani

MUM
You can stop watching that
rubbish or I’ll send you off to
school next time you say you’ve
got a blinking tummy ache, and
see if Marcy needs any help.

CUT TO:
4.INT.MARCH HOUSE.NIGHT
Jodiey’s hand is in view holding back the net curtains.
Marcy’s stood outside the house with JOHNNY from over
Jodiey’s shoulder. Johnny and Marcy are arguing
passionately, but the noise of the argument is muffled and
indistinct.

CUT TO:
5.EXT.MARCH HOUSE.NIGHT
Close up of Johnny holding Marcy’s wrist, hand-held camera
following a slight struggle as Johnny tries to stop Marcy
from going back inside the house.

JOHNNY
(Seething tone)
Nah, Marcy, you’re gonna answer
me.

MARCY
(Irritated)
For godsake, Johnny, piss off
will you. I’ll show my phone if
you really want, I ain’t been
texting anyone.

Marcy pulls her phone out of her pocket and throws it at
Johnny, who snatches it up and quickly starts to check her
messages.

JOHNNY
Do you think I’m f*****g stupid?!
You deleted ’em dint ya. You dozy
cow!

MARCY
(Exasperated)
I don’t need this, I’ve gotta
help mum bath Bethan. Text me
when you’re done being mental,
yeah.

Marcy starts to walk towards the door, Johnny grabs her
arm twists it behind her back, holding her close to him.

JOHNNY
(Through bared teeth)
I’m not mental.
Johnny lets go of Marcy’s arm, then collapse to the
pavement and starts crying.

JOHNNY
I just... I think about you with
other boys and I get so mad, I
just. I love you so much, Marcy,
and you dick me around.
Marcy sits on the floor and puts her arms round Johnny and
hugs him.

MARCY
Look here Johnny, you know I want
to be with you. I don’t text any
other lads, it’s your mates
talking in your ear. You need to
learn to calm down.

CUT TO:
6.INT.MARCH KITCHEN.EARLY MORNING
Close-up of a cat pawing at a lone goldfish in a filthy
tank. Pan around to a tired looking Mum, piles of bills on
the kitchen table. She has a final notice for an overdue
rent in one hand, and is clutching at her hair with the
other. An unhealthy whirring can be heard emitting from
the washing machine.

MUM
(She hisses to herself)
f**k.

The thundering of feet can be heard clambering down the
stairs. Mum acts with lightening reflexes snatching up the
letters and quickly stuffing them underneath the fridge.


I realise that it's too long for people to consider reading it really, so thank you if you did. Any feedback would be appreciated as I would like to continue with this, and potentially film it (although obviously the script would have to be greatly refined, and I would need extensive practise with camera work, editing and probably more people skills). I've been told that it's not cinematic enough, so that's something that I need to work on. I would appreciate advice on how to make it more cinematic. Also, I feel the dialogue is very unrealistic, and would like help on how to improve that (other than people watching, I do a lot of that).



redrobin62
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24 Jul 2012, 9:52 pm

If you look at a lot of scripts, you'll notice they omit camera directions (cut to, close up, tracking shot, etc). Occasionally, you do see it sometimes, but generally, producers and script buyers prefer you omit them. This is courtesy to a potential director who'd prefer designing a scene himself.

What is this script about?

Ext. High Street - midday (This is the correct format)

You do seem to have a basic grasp of form. This is good. Remember, films are viewed and scripts are written in the present tense. You're writing what we're seeing as it unfolds on screen. If someone says something but then gets cut off my someone else, either the first person's words are unintelligable and mumbled or we do actually hear it before he's interrupted.

I see you know about capitalizing all the letters of a character when he's first introduced. That's good. Are you also aware of capitalizing the letters of sound bites?

Keep up the good work.



FalsettoTesla
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24 Jul 2012, 10:04 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
If you look at a lot of scripts, you'll notice they omit camera directions (cut to, close up, tracking shot, etc). Occasionally, you do see it sometimes, but generally, producers and script buyers prefer you omit them. This is courtesy to a potential director who'd prefer designing a scene himself.

What is this script about?

Ext. High Street - midday (This is the correct format)

You do seem to have a basic grasp of form. This is good. Remember, films are viewed and scripts are written in the present tense. You're writing what we're seeing as it unfolds on screen. If someone says something but then gets cut off my someone else, either the first person's words are unintelligable and mumbled or we do actually hear it before he's interrupted.

I see you know about capitalizing all the letters of a character when he's first introduced. That's good. Are you also aware of capitalizing the letters of sound bites?

Keep up the good work.


It's a British Realist drama loosely adapted/inspired by the novel Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. This is purely because I enjoyed the interplay of sibling relationships and the connections it makes with Modern British Realist cinema and American Realist Literature, Louisa is considered by some to be a pioneer of American Realism.

I have the basic plot outlined, so I do have some sense of direction.

Ah, my mistake with the scene heading, I was using Celtx and I thought that it would know the rules. Obviously things change.

I'm aware that generally you do not place camera directions, I just had to for coursework grading purposes which seemed silly to me. Much like when they had us produce a story board, they didn't have us produce story boards that were congruent with industry standard, rather a standard that the exam board dictated.

I didn't know about capitalising sound bites, thank you for pointing that out.

Thank you for you response. ^^



redrobin62
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24 Jul 2012, 10:38 pm

I've read and studied many scripts when I used to live in Hollywood. In/many ways I consider myself privileged because I'd joined the AMPAS Library at 333 La Cienega Blvd in Hollywood. They don't have copies of real scripts there. They have the actual script. They let you read them, too. Can you imagine? I had the bound copy of Jurassic Park in my hands with notes in the margins by Spielberg and Koepp, the screenwriter. What a thrill that was. Obviously, you're not allowed to take the scripts out, but it was awe-inspiring to have in your hands. Shooting scripts are interesting. Some writers colour code their screenplays. Red script could mean first draft, purple could mean 2nd, etc. Some of these scripts had entire pages x'd out for whatever reason. Excellent education.