Here's some food for thought in relation to your punctuation, syntax, grammar, etc.
Brita watched TV in the small New York City apartment she shared with four other women, when she heard a pounding at the door.
In this sentence, the past tense verb "watched" needs to match the past tense verb "pounded." Conversely, you can also have "watching" to match your "pounding." Examples:
Brita watched TV in the small New York City apartment she shared with four other women when someone pounded at the door. Or-
Brita was watching TV in the small New York City apartment she was shared with four other women when she heard pounding at the door.
Since your story has an urgency about it, it makes more sense to say "was watching TV."
“We are the royal guard! Open the Door! By order of Regent Genofa you are to be arrested and tried for treason!”
(I added the exclamation at the end of treason).
Since you're introducing a new element, a clearer version of the sentence could read-
"We are the royal guard! a gruff voice shouted. "Open the door! (No need to alphabetize Door here). By order of Regent Genofa you are to be arrested and tried for treason!"
In a second, Brita got up, went to her room, locked it, and got her gun, a gift from a former lover, and a large bag of gold coins. Putting them in her purse, she opened the window, and unrolled the foldable fire ladder. She got climbed down on it. After reaching the ground, she ran as far and as fast as she could, until her lungs could no longer get enough air and her legs could no longer move. Then, a realization came to her.
This paragraph can be taken two ways - either Brita was being lackadaisical with the royal guard or she was hurrying. Either way, it's best to show which it was. To wit:
Brita casually stood, walked to her room, locked it behind her, removed her gun - a gift from a former lover - from the bedside table, and picked up a large bag of gold coins from a shelf in the closet. Or-
Brita leaped to her feet, dashed to her room and quickly locked it behind her. Running to the bedside table, she grabbed her gun - a gift from a former lover - then snatched the large bag of gold coins from a shelf in the closet.
Also, be careful with your writing as in the sentence "She got climbed down it." That's awkward. You also don't need the comma between "she could" and "Until her lungs."
“Mother and _____ are dead. Or in prison.”
The quotes in the sentence above could be omitted. It could then read Then, a realization came to her: mother and father are dead. Or in prison.
The blank you used for father, or whomever, was confusing, by the way.
Brita’s mother was or had been, the Queen of Nadi’um. She had three older brothers and an older sister. By Nadi’um law, only female children of the queen could inherit the throne, and after that, the closest living female relation. In this case, this was Genofa, an aunt of Brita.
The first part of the first sentence is missing a comma between "was" and "or." Who had three older brothers and an older sister - Brita or the Queen? This isn't clear. It's okay for the sentence to read "The Queen had three older brothers and an older sister" if you meant the Queen. Likewise if you meant Brita.
After taking money out of the ATM,, she went to the nearest subway station, where she took the next train. After taking two more, she arrived in the Bronx, and took a cab to an old building, fading, chipped painted, and graffiti. She entered the apartment building, and went to Apartment 2a.
With the royal guard possibly on Brita's heel, it's safe to say she's still not as relaxed as these sentences would show. Perhaps something like the following:
Brita, intermittently looking over her shoulder, fumbled nervously with an ATM (not "the" ATM as there are many in a city). After withdrawing a few bills, she hurried to the nearest subway station and grabbed the first northbound train. Two trains later, she arrived in the Bronx. Once outside, she quickly flagged down a taxi and rode to an old building. It was fading, chipped and covered with graffiti - all par for the course in that part of town. (Or maybe not. It could've just been the one sore thumb in an otherwise upward looking block).
She entered the apartment. Hmm. You'd usually need to be buzzed into an apartment building in the Bronx. Security is so high even the first floor windows have thick metal bars.
You can write "noticing the front door's lock had been broken off, she carefully entered the litter-strewn lobby and flew up the nearby stairs to Apartment 2a."
See? The urgency has been maintained from the first sentence.
“Yeah?” a groggy female voice answered when she knocked loudly.
"When she knocked loudly" is a misplaced modifier. It implies that the female with the groggy voice knocked loudly. You could say-
Noticing the front door's lock had been broken off, she carefully entered the litter-strewn lobby, flew up the nearby stairs to Apartment 2a and frantically knocked on the dark brown metal door.
“It’s me, Adara, I need your help!”
It should be a period between "Adara" and "I."
17 Mar 2013, 12:56 pm
