Question regarding introducing the protagonist

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DeeLerious184
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06 Apr 2013, 6:29 pm

Is the following an effective way to introduce the protagonist?

Quote:


“It is better for a man to have no idea who his children are in order to prevent favoritism. Only that way, could he love all the children his wife gives birth to, be they his children or the children of his brother-husbands.”



Queen Brita of Nadi’um.



Prince Simeon of Nadi’um, wearing his green work uniform scanned the six pack of Bud, ice cream, detergent, and cereal with the built in scanner connected to the register. This was Simeon’s first day after his promotion from stocking clerk to cashier.

“Where are you from?” the customer’s blond goatee highlighted his gimace. His blue eyes glared at Simeon.

“I am from Kamiristan.”Simeon replied . Aed, his friend and a wizard told him that most people in the nation of the United States were terrible at geography and so would not know that Kamiristan, which Aed made up, did not exist. Using the name of a real nation could cause problems as Simeon could run into someone of that nation, and be expected to know their language. Simeon took English classes twice a week at an adult school.

“Where’s that?”

“Near Russia.”

“Is it a Muslim country?”

“Muslim?” Simeon tried to remember which Earth religion believed that Jesus was the son of a God, and which thought he was just a prophet, and which thought he was just a man. He always got Judaism, Islam, and Christianity confused.

“Yeah, Muslim”

“ It has Christians, Islams and Judiasms”

“Judiasms? You mean Jews?”

“Yes.”

“Which one are you?”

“Why you ask? Simeon said. He had been getting similar questions about his background ever since someone used explosives in one of the San Francisco Bart Station. He did not understand why.

“Why don’t you answer?”

“Your total is twenty four fifty.” Simeon said. “My religion private.”

Simeon forwent contact with his family, when his mother tried to force his hand during his travels abroad by telling Queen Emataly of Tz'ibilchaltun that Simeon would marry her. This resulted in Simeon arriving to Tz'ibilchaltun only to find out that there was to be a betrothal party in his and Queen Emtaly’s honor that very night. Not knowing what to do, he asked his friend and travel companion, Aed, for help, and he suggested going to Earth, where the latter lived for most of his life, coming only to Mitteworld to visit.

Just then, the man grabbed him by the front of the collar.

“Don’t be a chicken s**t! If you a mus-lim, say so!” He yelled as Simeon struggled.

“If you want money I open register for you.” Simeon said, unable to pry himself from the man.

“I want you to eat this bag of chitlins” The man took out a bag of fried pork skin, with his free hand.

“What is that?” Simeon asked.

“Pork skin.”

“Okay.” Simeon agreed and put his hand out. In Nadi’um, eating pork was common.

“I mean it!”

“If you let me go, I eat a lot.” Simeon said.

The man let him go.

“Nevermind.” He muttered, paid for his things, and left quickly.



MakaylaTheAspie
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06 Apr 2013, 6:58 pm

DeeLerious184 wrote:
Is the following an effective way to introduce the protagonist?


It's a good start if you ask me, but I wouldn't reveal too much about him so soon. You could save some of the background knowledge for a later part in the chapter, or just put it in a different chapter all together. Of course, it's completely up to you.

If I were to have written it:

Quote:


“It is better for a man to have no idea who his children are in order to prevent favoritism. Only that way, could he love all the children his wife gives birth to, be they his children or the children of his brother-husbands.”



Queen Brita of Nadi’um.



***



Prince Simeon of Nadi’um, wearing his green work uniform, scanned the six pack of Budweiser, ice cream, laundry detergent, and cereal with the built in scanner connected to the register. This was Simeon’s first day on the job, after his promotion from stocking clerk to cashier.

“Where are you from?” the customer asked, his blond goatee highlighting his grimace. His blue eyes glared at Simeon.

“I am from Kamiristan.” Simeon replied. Aed, one of his friends, told him that most people in the nation of the United States were terrible at geography, so they would not know that Kamiristan, which Aed made up, did not exist. Using the name of a real nation could cause problems for him, as Simeon could run into someone of that nation, and be expected to know their language. Simeon had took English classes twice a week at an adult school.

“Where’s that?” the customer asked, his tone suspicious.

“Near Russia.”

“Is it a Muslim country?”

“Muslim?” Simeon tried to remember which Earth religion believed that Jesus was the son of a God, and which thought he was just a prophet, and which thought he was just a man. He always got Judaism, Islam, and Christianity confused.

“Yeah, Muslim," the customer's glare never wavered.

“It has Christians, Islams and Judiasms,” Simeon replied, choosing a neutral approach.

“Judiasms? You mean Jews?”

“Yes.”

“Which one are you?”

“Why you ask?" Simeon countered. He had been getting similar questions about his background ever since someone set off explosives in one of the San Francisco Bart Stations. He did not understand why it had anything to do with his own origins.

“Why don’t you answer?”

“Your total is twenty four fifty.” Simeon said, ignoring the question. “My religion is private, sir.”

Just then, the man grabbed him by the front of the collar.

“Don’t be a chicken sh**! If you a muslim, say so!” he yelled as Simeon struggled.

“If you want money, I can open the register for you.” Simeon said, unable to pry himself from the man. He thought that a well placed bribe would convince the suspicious customer to back off.

“I want you to eat this bag of chitlins,” he said. The man took out a plastic bag with his free hand.

“What is that?” Simeon asked.

“Pork skin.”

“Okay,” Simeon agreed, and put his hand out. In Nadi’um, eating pork was common.

“I mean it!” the customer cried.

“If you let me go, I'll eat as much as you want.” Simeon said.

The man let him go.

“Never mind," he muttered. The customer paid for his things, and left quickly.


You should let me know when this story is finished. I'm already hooked and you just got started with it. :)


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Mirror21
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06 Apr 2013, 7:12 pm

MakaylaTheAspie wrote:
DeeLerious184 wrote:
Is the following an effective way to introduce the protagonist?


It's a good start if you ask me, but I wouldn't reveal too much about him so soon. You could save some of the background knowledge for a later part in the chapter, or just put it in a different chapter all together. Of course, it's completely up to you.



That was my opinion also.



DeeLerious184
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06 Apr 2013, 8:55 pm

Thanks guys!!



DeeLerious184
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06 Apr 2013, 9:19 pm

Decided to add the following passage to what I already posted. Should I keep it? I wanted to show the character's money troubles and cultural adjustment issues.

Quote:
His shift ended at four in the afternoon. Taking two buses, he arrived at a building with bars on the window and chipped paint. The faded sign said ‘Bob’s Pawn Shop’. He entered the pawn shop, carrying gold coins, and jewelry inside a brown messenger bag. He found himself staring at the various instruments hanging on the wall. Thanks to his English night classes, he knew what some of them were, such as guitars, violins, and flutes. The others, however, he had no idea. Soon, he walked towards the jewelry section, looking at the different watches, earrings, bracelets, and broaches, others had sold to this pawn shop.Simeon wondered if they had parted with their items willingly.
“Can I help you?” A man turned his bald head towards him as he opened a display case and rearranged some watches. His belly hung precariously over a leather belt and the Hawaiian design shirt barely covered it.
“I sell some items.” Simeon said.
“What kind?” the man closed the display case and walked to the part of the clear counter Simeon stood at.
“Coins of gold, and jewels.” Simeon said. He took out a handful of the gold coins. They had a picture of his mother, as a young woman, on one side, and the Nadi’umese coat of arms on the other. Then, he took out his gold ring with that had a spehere ruby on it, along with specks of Jade.
“Where are these coins from?” the Pawn shop owner picked one of them up. His forehead wrinkled in confusion. “I collect coins as a hobby and I’ve never seen coins like this one.”
“My mother give them to me.” Simeon said.
“Do you know where she got them?”
“She never tell me.” Simeon kept his brown eyes on the coin.
“They have a picture of some woman, but she’s not dressed like someone from Ancient times,or a queen from Europe.” The pawn shop owner raised an eyebrow. “You expect me to believe that this is a real gold coin?”
“I show you.” Simeon got one of the coins, put it on the floor, and stomped on several times as hard as he could. Then, he picked it up and showed it to the Pawn shop owner.
“It left a mark.” The pawn shop owner said.
“Gold is soft.” Simeon said.
“So maybe there is some gold in these coins, but how much?”
“Pure gold.”
“Pure gold?Do you have ID?”
“Aye Dee?”
“Identification.”
“I am from Kamiristan.” He said.
“Do you have a passport?”
“I lost it in fire.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t buy anything from anyone without an I.D.
“Why?”
“There are people out there who steal stuff and try to sell them to pawn shops. If I find out something I bought is stolen, then I can tell the cops who to arrest.”
“They not stolen!” Simeon said. “Please, buy one.”
He had to pay for his share of the rent, and groceries.
“Sorry. No ID, no cash.”
“I give you my address.”
“I can’t. Even if you had the motherlode, I could not risk it.”