Sun Tzu and the Art of Childcare

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Sun Tzu and the Art of Childcare

Many of you may know of the great and terrible general, Sun Tzu, from his writings on the art of war. However, far fewer know that in his last days, it was the will of heaven that he should embark upon a new career…

One might say the old general was a victim of his own success. Having long since defeated or subdued the enemies of his king, Helu, it was decided that General Sun had earned a long rest and should retire. Purposeless for the first time in his life, the old general sat in his gardens, gripped by a misery the likes of which he had never known. Witnessing this sad state of affairs, the general’s wise and devoted daughter, Sun Ying, was deeply troubled. Having nowhere else to turn, Ying visits the royal nursery and confides in her friend, the royal Governess.

“I am very worried about my father,” said Ying. “Since his retirement, he simply sits in his gardens, stricken by the deepest melancholy, as if waiting to die!”

“Ah, that is truly a pity,” replied Cheng Xue, the Governess. “Your father needs a new purpose,” she adds thoughtfully, as she surveys the unruly mob of children in the royal nursery, “I have an idea…”

“What is it?” asked Ying, hopefully.

“Oh, you’ll see,” replied Xue, “but first, I must speak to the Queen.”

The next day, a royal messenger found the old general in his customary position, eyes downcast in his garden.
“Venerable sir,” said the messenger.

“What is it?” snapped the old man after a long sigh.

In response, the messenger offers a scroll.

“Read it!” barks the general.

“To Sun Tzu, greatest protector of the kingdom of Wu,” begin s the messenger. “It is the wish of her majesty, Queen Wu Ping, that the general report to Cheng Xue, royal Governess, at his earliest convenience tomorrow in order to resume service to the realm.”

The old man’s heart leapt at the thought of renewed purpose, yet he was puzzled as to why he should be required to report to the royal Governess. A threat to the heir, perhaps? No matter, he would find out soon enough.

“Be gone!” he orders the messenger with a new spirit, and the messenger instantly disappears. It is good to give orders again, thinks the old man as he smiles for the first time in weeks and drinks in the beauty of his garden.

The next morning, dressed in his finest armor, Sun Tzu, greatest hero of the kingdom of Wu, presents himself to the Royal Governess. Xue kneels and bows deeply before the old general. “Venerable sir, thank heaven you have come! We are in desperate need!”

“Yes, yes,” said General Sun, “Get up, woman, and tell me what it is you would have me do.”

“But, don’t you see?” said Xue, gesturing to the pandemonium of unruly, screaming children behind her. “None but the great General Sun Tzu could put order to such chaos as this!”

“What?!” exclaimed the old man, shock and confusion evident on his craggy and careworn face.

“It is the Queen’s wish that you instill discipline in this boisterous horde and give the next generation of the rulers of Wu the benefit of your infinite and sublime wisdom,” explained the Governess.

Appalled, Sun’s first impulse is to storm off back home, but the prospect of another pointless day moping around his gardens makes him reconsider.

“I am at your disposal,” said the old General, grimly, as he wades into the sea of caterwauling children.

With great amounts of wailing, gnashing of teeth, and the valiant efforts of the nurses, the children are herded into a sort of ragged formation of rows and columns. However, every time the general began to speak, one child or another would break and run, or scream, or laugh, or cry, or engage in some combination of the above.

Finally, in frustration the general grabs the nearest child and draws his sword.

“Venerable sir!” exclaims Xue, resting her hand on General Sun’s sword arm. “What do you intend?”

“To establish discipline!” cried the red-faced General as he proceeded to behead the child who was oblivious to his impending doom.

“But sir,” pleaded the Governess, “the Queen has decreed that no harm may come to any child!”

Leveling an icy stare at Xue, the General releases the child, who scampers away.

Meekly, Xue suggests ”Perhaps this is enough instruction for one day…” And without a word, the old man sheathes his sword and walks away.

A short time later, Ying sees her father walking up the path home looking as tired and crestfallen as ever.

“Father! What’s the matter? Are you not happy to be back in the service of the state?” Ying asks as she runs out to meet him.

“No my child,” is the reply ”for today I have tasted defeat for the first time—made all the more bitter and galling because it was due to no fault of my own, but because the Queen and her minions will not allow me to do what needs to be done in order to fulfill my duty!”

“What do you mean?” asked Ying.

“The Queen tasks me with instilling order among the unruly brats of the palace, yet she will not allow me to behead, or even beat, the least of them in order to establish discipline.”

“I see,” said Ying. “Father, have you not always said that the secret to victory lies in knowing one’s foe?”

“I have.”

“And, would you not grant that as well as you know soldiers, generals, and kings, I know children?”

“I would.”

“Then please, allow me to humbly suggest the key to commanding the attention of children lies in capturing their imaginations…”

“And so,” interrupted the General “I should think a good beheading would capture their imaginations right enough!”

“And surely it would, father,” agreed Ying “but not without incurring the displeasure of the Queen. However, if you will allow me, I can provide you with a weapon that will capture the imaginations of the children without defying the Queen.”

“Then make it so!” commanded the General. And so, Ying set herself to work.

The next day Xue was not surprised when the appointed time of the General’s ‘class’ came and went with no sign of the old man. She was sorry that her plan to give him a purpose had not worked out, but she supposed that just couldn’t be helped. Suddenly, over the incessant din of the children Xue hears a booming yet jolly voice say, “Hey kids! It’s your old pal Sunny, ha HUCK!”

As the Governess turned, her incredulous eyes beheld the General’s scrawny, old man legs protruding from under a huge, hideously bright purple and green smiling dragon mask!

In the same goofy, jolly voice, the General continues, “I’m the big, purple, luck dragon, and I…” the speech is interrupted by a barely audible gagging sound as the old man throws up a little bit in his mouth “…and I love you!”

The children, spellbound, cheer and gather round. Gazing out at a sea of glazed eyes and rapidly slackening jaws, the crafty old General knows the children are his to command. He drops the silly voice, but keeps the mask. He points to a boy in the crowd. “You there, what’s your name?”

“Chen,” replied the boy.

“Come here Chen, I have a question for you.”

The small boy approaches, awestruck.

From behind the ridiculous, jolly dragon mask, Sun asks, ‘Suppose another boy, Hong, has a toy that you covet, what would you do?”

Chen blinked and pondered for a moment, then replied, “I would ask him to share.”

“Ah,” said the jolly dragon, “you would ask him to share…”

“Yes,’ confirms Chen.

To the group the dragon inquires, “And do you know why Chen here would ask Hong to share?”

There is a murmur of answers from the audience as the jolly dragon nearly shrieks, “SILENCE!” and then adds in a calmer tone, “My question was rhetorical.”

Then, wheeling around, the jolly, purple, luck dragon seized poor Chen by the shoulders and screamed, “Because Chen is a weak-minded FOOL!”

As Chen screams, wiggles free and runs, the old General wonders if he has miscalculated. However, a survey of his rapt audience confirms that he has not.

“If Chen were a clever boy,” the general continued, “he would have befriended Hong, lulled him into a false sense of security, and once he had gained Hong’s trust, poisoned him with the dried petals of the black lotus whose toxins produce a sickness indistinguishable from pneumonia! And when his friend had succumbed to illness Chen could have claimed all the toys with no need to share at all!”

The old dragon is rewarded with a chorus of oohs, aahs, and gasps from his enthralled listeners as he continues…

And in this way, the old General, in the guise of Sunny the jolly, purple, luck dragon, found his new purpose as he instructed the children of the palace on the finer points of treachery and established discipline and order in the nursery. While no one could dispute that the children’s quarter became a much more serene and harmonious place, a few were somewhat concerned by the drastic increase in mysterious illness and unexplained disappearances among the more dull-witted children and adults of the palace.