Write on a matter of importance to you
I have lived my life with Asperger's Syndrome. I was a few years old when I was diagnosed, but I have probably had it my entire life. I remember being told not to worry, that Asperger's was nothing big, and I believed that at the time. But now I know different. That look a mother might give a man who asked what the big deal about childbirth is, that is the same look I give those who shrug off Asperger's Syndrome as nothing big.
I can't begin to say how many times I’ve heard or read someones declaration that all Asperger's is is an “excuse for angsty teenagers to be rude and antisocial”, and I wish they could walk a mile in my shoes. When I hold a conversation everything sounds alright in my head, but every now and then I get the look, that dreaded look from the people around me, and know I’ve done it again. I somehow inadvertently tripped a conversational prohibition. Something I said or did crossed some line, though god only knows what. Eventually they will just shrug it off, but I can't shake that agonizing feeling in the pit of my stomach; I said something I shouldn’t have. It seemed polite enough at the time so where did I go wrong? When I hear them call Asperger's an excuse for rudeness, I shake my head no. Muteness is not an excuse to be quiet, and Asperger's is not an excuse for rudeness, it is an inadvertent cause.
Like many brilliant Aspie's who came before me, I have before me a world of opportunities, yet a limited toolset with which to harness them. Will I go the same paths of some before me and embrace the logical world, like Newton and Einstein? Maybe I will isolate myself in the realm of politics like Jefferson? Or revolutionize the world of technology like Gates? No. I am not them, I am myself. Unlike some who have came before me I don't seek greatness, but I won't settle for mediocrity.
When we are born we make an unspoken agreement with the world. We agree to play its demented game, and in exchange we get to reap the consequences; the rewards and the penalties. But I'm not content to let the world manipulate things for me, I'm taking the controls and living the life I want, destiny be damned. Destiny doesn’t control me, I control myself. And if destiny wants to take back control, then I’ll invite it to try. But now that I'm in control of my fate, I'm not giving it up without a fight.
Some people might not be able to handle having control of their fate, and they end up throwing caution to the wind and set the path to their own ruin. I'm too modest for that. I just know that I'm going to live a modest, but successful life. A good career where I can make use of my intelligence, a home to call my own, a wife, children, and one day a pastoral position at my church. And when I'm done, too tired to play anymore, I will look back on my life and be satisfied with the work I have done. And then I'll give up the controls, and the world can take over with leading me to whatever comes next. And in that next world, I'll be ready. Still as stubborn as ever.
This is my mind, not broken but different. Unable to subconsciously compute simple social protocol and body language that most minds take for granted, but able to process information significantly faster; not being able to publicly express thoughts and feelings, but understanding emotion to a much finer degree; wandering for a place in the world to acknowledge; but never settling with contention. Always striving for that dream, never compromising for something less and never pining for something more. Just a fate to call my own. I will have no more or less than my own life, living it the way I want. This is my story, and this is just the beginning.
22 Nov 2013, 7:01 am
