I wrote lyrics

Post Reply New Topic

What do you guys think of this?

Does it work?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Shrapnel splinters flutter my mind in waste
circling through the cerebral network of liquid taste
where did the splinters fly?
where did the splinters go?

Into the cool breeze
the sparkles work their magic
like Thomas Hobbes
I arose
and ran through the cold

where did the splinters fly?
where did the splinters go?

Shrapnel splinters flutter my mind in waste
circling through the cerebral network of liquid taste
into the cool breeze the sparkles work their magic
like Thomas Hobbes
I arose
and ran through the cold

the splinters shatter 'til noon
at break of dawn
I nearly went mad
and then I found way
to the paved path

Shrapnel splinters flutter my mind in waste
circling through my cerebral network of liquid taste

where did the splinters go?
where did the splinters fly?

i like it



if i may do a suggestion, i would rework the two lines (chorus?) to put them at the level of the rest of your text. (don't shoot me if you don't agree please )

This is nice...I liked it alot...I could feel the rhythm...which was great...