My frustrations with music

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I have never been able to play music from memory. I can sing from memory, and I can memorize music in my head, and I can listen to long and very complex pieces of music in my head and remember all the different orchestral parts or different voice lines. But I can't translate that so easily to my fingers. And I can't play a piece of music from memory to save my life, not even the simplest pieces.

I learned to play clarinet in the school band and then I taught myself to play piano. I got into college with a music scholarship and my pick of majoring in either clarinet or piano. I chose piano and I was in way over my head. I had no experience with preparing a piece and then playing it for a recital or a jury. Well I couldn't make any progress on the pieces they assigned to me and I couldn't memorize anything. One teacher told me she thought the problem was I had never been able to memorize anything well enough to just PLAY it without having to think about what I was playing. She seemed to think I just wasn't working hard enough to memorize it or something. I just couldn't do it.

And I was never able to play anything fast very well - I always gravitated to slower pieces of music or music that had lots of pauses in it. I could not think fast enough to play anything fast. Well here was another problem, when I learned something slow that had intricate passage work in it a teacher would say: well you should be able to play this faster piece because you are using the same type of hand movement that you do in this slower piece and all you need to do is speed it up. And if it was an isolated passage, just a bar or two, then okay maybe I could play it really fast. But if it was a piece made up of continuous passages that went like and just kept chugging away then NO I couldn't do it.

I eventually gave up because it's like they were always saying with your ability you SHOULD be able to do this or that. And I felt like I should too and I wanted to but I'd try and try and I couldn't do it. I was never able to play anything too much better than I could sight read it. And I couldn't understand why and no one else did either.

So I stopped playing piano for years and just started again in the last year or so. It is so frustrating I really wonder how I ever played to begin with. Part of it is because my hands are small and I can barely reach an octave. After awhile I start getting serious hand and neck strain. I guess the only reason I ever learned at all was because I started on a keyboard with smaller than standard size keys.

But the other problem is...well I don't know how to describe it other than pretty much everything I play feels like I'm playing it for the first time. It does not seem to matter how many times I play something or how well I know the piece. I blank out in the middle of playing and forget where I am or even what key I'm playing in. I just can't remember enough about what I'm doing. I never get really proficient at playing anything, even though (like they always told me) I "should" be able to play something.

Can anyone else relate? anyone have similar problems and frustrations?

Do you think this sounds typical of having a twice-exceptional brain and having the uneven abilities that can go with that...like can you have a talent for music and at the same time have a learning disability that makes it hard to actually learn music?

Is it because I didn't have lessons and recitals and juries growing up? lack of technique and training?

Is it my small hand span? I do notice when I get to passages where my fingers don't quite reach, I get bogged down and I start fumbling a lot more and lose my train of thought.

Or is it just something wrong with my brain? I feel like it is the same problem I have with everything else I do, I am constantly forgetting stuff, the way I can blank out and forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence, that type of thing.

I mean probably all of the above, right? And it pretty much feels hopeless. But I still want to play.

I have a good ear for music, but am a totally incompetent musician. I think my musical talents lie in mixing and editing.

Don't knock yourself over what you can't do - the school you went to sounds pretty elitist, and as long as you CAN play music, you don't have to excel at it. Just think of world famous musicians like Bob Dylan - he's never been a skilled musician, but he has a message that people wants to listen to, and his songs stay relevant and accesible year after year.

It all depends where you want to go with your music. If you want to become a touring musician or teacher, there are certain things expected of you, but if you make music because you like and you want to, you only have to go by your own rules. I do, and I have great fun doing so - check out the link in my signature and give it a listen.

I don't really want or expect to "go" anywhere with music. I would just like to be able to sit down and play a few classical pieces, for my own enjoyment. I once was able to at least do that, now I feel like I can't even do that anymore.

Have you considered playing something else? You could try some electronic music - it's very minimal, and you only have to know a few chords or scales to play it.

I am not interested in playing music that is "minimal."

I am leaving this forum, so please do not reply or bump this thread up again.

I wish I could play music at all. It's a special talent to be able to play music.

http://www.smallpianokeyboards.org/index.html
You aren't alone with regards to keyboards being the wrong size for those of us with small hands.

Actually, no, anyone can learn it. It all depends what you want to play and what instrument. The guitar is a fairly easy instrument. Give it you best shot, good sir