Should I 'Cheat' at Book Club?

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I'm an avid reader but last month's book club left me with a sour taste in my mouth and feeling like I was being judged.

Background: this is my main social event of the month. The rest of the time I'm just doing things like going to the shop or café or talking to my parents or online. I've been a recluse for five years and I'm trying not to be, by a recluse I mean I had social anxiety and didn't leave the house and only spoke to my parents and my doctor. By nature, I'm introverted but not to these extremes. I was turned that way by a lot of negative social experiences happening all at once.

Book club: We meet once a month and read a book based on a theme but we can pick any book we want so long as the theme fits.

Last month, I went to book club and was really embarrassed. I struggle with names. The theme was 'circuses' so obviously I had to read something new (my specialist interest isn't circuses and it's not something which is common in books). I read The Night Circus and forgot most of it. Someone patronised me, acting as if I'd never read Hard Times simply because it's a Dickens. I hated the book I read, because I kept getting distracted and found it had too many characters. I struggle remembering names and would rather focus that energy on real people or my own invented characters rather than on book characters who are all a bit the same. The woman who was leading the group (she never admits it but she is leading the group) was cross with me because she liked the book even though she's read it years ago and forgotten most of it... (which was my point, it's rather easy to forget what's going on in it)

This month, I told her the books I'm reading and was met with first of all a short, rather dismissive description which she sent out to everyone (If on a winter's night a traveller) then radio silence (A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man). I don't think she likes me stepping out of 'stupid' mode. I think if I read an intelligent book she'll think I'm doing it 'for show' when really those are just the books I already have on my shelves which fit the theme.

Nts are awkward for all this putting people in boxes stuff. Because I'm short and I look young and I'm under 50 I'm automatically the 'thick' one.

Shall I just cheat and tell people about the book I'm currently reading, which I can make fit the theme (because the theme is 'beginnings') or shall I try to read one of the other books, which I've enjoyed in the past, knowing full well that my ability to retell a story is bad and my ability to remember the names of characters is bad but I do enjoy these books?

That sounds annoying. I tried a book club once, but it was hard--I'd rather read what I want to read, when I want to read it. Dickens is fun, but maybe too much for a book club?

I think your choices are awesome! I love Calvino and Joyce. If this lady's being rude because she's unfamiliar or doesn't like those books, forget her. Joyce himself did a brilliant Dickens imitation in part of Ulysses.

Yeah, most NTs seem to strive to form groups of very similarly minded people, yet criticize ND behaviors as being too routine, monotonous, etc.

I don't think you have to cheat, necessarily. Are you able to find a passage you like and focus on that? Often you can extrapolate some meaning or viewpoint for a work from some passage. For example, with Hard Times I would have talked about part in the very beginning when the father beats the dog, and the dog licks the father's hand afterward. I always found that moving--I suppose it's also a parallel for the abusive teachers and students who must mature from their lessons. If you try something like this, they probably won't realize you didn't read the whole thing. They'll be impressed with your attention to detail and feel like they weren't paying much attention.

It's a weird book club cos we can choose what we want. It's just I don't like being patronised about people assuming I haven't read it.
Because we read what we want, we have to explain stories but there's a difference between that and for eg me saying 'I wouldn't start on Finnegans Wake' which assumes the other person only reads simple stuff (even though Joyce is harder than Dickens, I think, and it's true that Finnegans is no place to start, I'm a Joyce fan but can only get through that book as an audiobook with an Irish accent). I'd ask if they liked Joyce. She said 'I wouldn't start on Hard Times' simply because I said 'I don't like Dickens'. I started on 'A Christmas Carol' actually, 20 years ago...
All we have to read this time around is something about beginnings.
At the moment, I'm reading 'Postcards from No Man's Land' by Aidan Chambers. I think I'll read that then see how close it is to Christmas. If it's near Christmas, I'll read 'If on a Winter's Night a Traveller' and if it's around now I'll read 'A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man' (it's in a hardback collected book of Joyce, I'm not taking that with me to granddad's house) and if it's around New Year, I think I'll use 'Postcards from No Man's Land'.

Greetings. That kind of experience can be so painful. However, please realize that while you are an Aspie, those people- the way you wrote them- sound awful and nothing like the kind of people I would want to spend precious time with. I don't know about you, but I could think of several other 'outdoor' things I'd rather do (I'm also a recluse) than to have my primary monthly social outing to be one wherein I expose myself to people who seem to enjoy tearing me down. I rather count rainbows in oil puddles.

That said, no, I don't advocate that you 'cheat,' because ultimately, you want people who accept you for yourself, right? And if you choose to put yourself in the presence of people who pick on one of your symptoms (bad recall of words in the presence of others- I have this, too), it seems to me that you either must come clean with what's going on and challenge your challenger- when she says something mean, ask her why she would say something so mean and then point out how you expect to be treated. The adage that 'we teach people how we want to be treated' isn't an adage for nothing.

That said, if you ultimately decide that this is not the social function that is right for you, don't give up. Just keep reading and carrying on. I hear that reading in a coffee shop is good, especially if you leave a second 'decoy' book on the edge of the table that refers to a topic you really enjoy. I haven't been able to try that out, as I live in the middle of nowhere.

Also, keep in mind that there are people online who really like to read fine literature and who would understand a bit of Aspie-ness. Okay, this last bit refers to me. I was salivating at the idea that you read awesome books, are looking to discuss them, and that you most likely wouldn't be put off by my own Aspie-ness. I've been looking for a very long time for someone to read and discuss the classics with. But no pressure.

I hope you follow your heart, no matter what you choose. Good luck and happy reading.

They sound like a bunch of posturing pseuds. Personally, I'd find another club.

I do like talking about books online too, so maybe I'll post more impressions of books on here
That particular book club is tomorrow. The woman who leads it said 'I think you're clever' and tried to reassure me. So it's just problems with one.
And there's problems with my own self confidence when it comes to remembering what happens in books. I'm 'glad' (not really the right word) that's an AS symptom, though, as it means I'm neither losing memory or just being lazy, which is something I've worried about lately. I've got AS and social anxiety so maybe it's just the pressure to perform socially when I'm not used to it.
Nobody actively said 'you haven't read this book' but I've been scared they were thinking it when I couldn't describe plot.
I got through the Calvino much better than The Night Circus. I think it's because it's more direct and there's no pressure to actually keep up with the plot - part of the fun is in losing it.
Ironically, I like lit and YA (and sometimes even kids' stuff) but not the 'in between' of non-literary fiction aimed at adults. I find general fiction aimed at adults hard.
I'm going to give them a bit of a chance for the next few meetings but I've also got a course if I do give up on them, so I won't be entirely alone in terms of offline socialising.
And no, on here (or in general) I'm not put off by anyone's aspieness. I'm aspie and I grew up in an aspie culture of sorts - my stepdad is probably aspie and my mum's pro neurodiversity so I didn't end up with the self-loathing that some people have, at least when it comes to that.
I miss a woman from that group who was probably aspie. She never said she was but she knew a lot about autism and she loved things like tiny detail in visual art and had a specialist interest in children's books. The woman who led the group didn't like her because we'd carry on talking until we'd finished our conversations instead of until the leader wanted us to stop.
My own theory is that most book characters - main characters - are aspie. But that could just be because I relate to many characters in the books I read, far more than in the people I talk to.

I think you need to consider taking notes. A guy called Tony Buzan has written some excellent books on effective note taking; he's the inventor of the "mind-map" method. He's also written a number of books on memory improvement, which would also help; Dominic O'Brien is also good in this regard.

I too have difficulty recalling details from books I'm not interested in but feel I HAVE to read; note taking is indispensable.

By the way, what sorts of age groups do the members of the club belong to? I've considered trying out a book club, but fear they'd all be much older than me.

All of the book clubs I've tried have turned out to be echo chambers -- a place where only certain ideas are allowed and reinforced through repetition. Only those who (pretend to) believe in these ideas are judged favorably. The rest are treated dismissively.

Reading by myself is much more satisfying.

Yep. This is exactly the impression I get of those places, which is why I stay away.

I got enough of that kind of treatment in high school. If you did not worship the head cheerleader, the star quarterback, or the latest rock-and-roll sensation, then you were socially worthless. But that's all in the past. Life is much better when spent in the present. Back to the topic...

'Cheating' at book clubs might seem to be beneficial, but false conformity for the sake of social interaction just seems pointless to me.

In fairness, I think those types are so devoid of capacity to think for themselves that they'd accept as gospel anybody's opinion, provided he gives it with an air of confidence - even an aspie. But that's the thing; I see no reason for communicating with someone who can't give something back, who can't bring anything of his own to the table. I don't think I want to be admired myself as much as I want someone else I can admire, which is much more elusive.

Anyway, don't want to derail the thread. My advice to the OP is that if there are one or two decent people there, and it's an essential and enjoyable part of her social life, then she should stick with it. Not sure I could, though.

Much older than me. 50s-70s. It's more mixed during school holidays as a lot of our non-retired members work as teachers.

I hate conventional book clubs cos you have to read a set text. Which I like about uni but many people who don't teach lit aren't very good at picking something with broad enough appeal. However, I like this one because you can read anything based on a theme.

I'd suggest trying at a bookshop one and trying at one which is in the evening. Assuming you're not scared of going out in the evening. I find it quite intimidating, myself.

Also, some old people are awful bigots. Some old people aren't. With my friends (people I like and respect) who are old, the only problem I have with them being old is that they'll probably be dead when I'm only middle aged.

I find that sort of high school vibe with most socialising both online and off WP is ok because I broadly agree with people on here (especially if I don't talk politics). My favourite socialising is offline, one to one, platonic but people only seem to want to do that with family.