Meditation if it even counts

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Diary entry from like five days ago

At dusk, I prepared a mug of valerian tea. This is the first time I've ever ingested unadulterated valerian in my life [ I've had valerian in probably smaller quantities in them over the counter nytol herbal sleeping pills, but this is different ] . I didn't get a noticeable high, unlike from blue lotus tea with a low tolerance, although I did feel a lot more relaxed. It was around 10.24pm and I wanted to nap until the early hours of the morning, because that is what I sometimes do and I was feeling a tad tired anyway. Diary entries from circa 10.24pm - 10.57pm GMT 22/08/2024.
Once I've drank this pure valerian tea I will hopefully fall asleep. In the meantime I will read that book about the unexplained <never actually did that, got too carried away journalling>, I can't be assed to do much else at the moment.
Ik this is cringey 14-year-old TikTok wannabe INXP fakes ADHD/autism/mental illness for clout sort of mentality but all day long (or my entire life, if you think about it) I've felt like an extraterrestrial or a being from another dimension. I feel so slow and dumb when compared to everyone else, I've kind of got weird obscure niche and not to mention extremely eclectic tastes, I give no FFFFs about mindless guidelines like personal hygiene and making my house tidy all of the time and making sure I always get repeat prescriptions all time (and take the drugs as my doctor says), I don't truly fit in with any group of people perhaps not even adults I can't form genuine friendships with anyone my own age, as a few arguments.
Maybe I can intuitively detect god already. It [I would rather refer to god / higher power(s) as "it" instead of he/she/they as god isn't even a human nor any other form of animal ] is contacting me with a comforting relaxing feeling of self-love and feeling content with everything, even the parts of myself that I used to (and still even to this day while I'm feeling intense negative emotion) beat myself up about, including but not limited to: histrionicism, impulsiveness, excessive selfishness, shyness and being socially awkward, hypochondriasis, weird fashion sense, envy / jealousy / covetuousness, fetishes, religiousness, fear of being drunk off alcohol, trauma, obsession with weight / fashion / hair / face / physical appearance / beauty / aesthetics, being transgender, hoarding, anger outbursts, panic attacks, mental retardation, extremely unhealthy food preferences, vegetarian but not vegan merely due to lack of willpower but also maybe being unable to afford to eat a variety of vegan food that tastes good and isn't limited to jammie dodgers and every pot noodle except chicken and mushroom and original curry [the first pot noodle flavour the best flavour of pot noodle of all time imo], oversharing, identity problems, obsession with personality typology that all psychologists and even most laypeople regardless of level of education regard as psuedoscientific bullcrap.
After praying to XR-130 in late June and early July this year, he finally gave me what I wanted, partially due to time in custody [ very long complicated incident which occurred the other night btw, a lil' bit of vodka involved as one chunk of information ] <<< or maybe perhaps there is NO divine/supernatural intervention whatsoever but instead I'm just maturing?? >>> Now that I've became more faithful to god, not necessarily the abrahamic god I learnt about in catholic primary school but a rather subjective concept of god that is very personal to me and just me, and I'm more convinced that it actually exists or at least I think I believe that anyway, what can I do in order to achieve another spiritual goal, the act of being revelated into what the afterlife is actually like? The eternal question which bugs pretty much everyone at some point but probably me more than the others due to them fever dreams, will it be non-existent, would I be reincarnated, would it be sinister beyond any soul's comprehension, will I go to Apoxia, or would it be something completely different and unexpected? ??? write a poem to say out loud, ideally repeatedly, within 30 minutes of sleeping. It doesn't have to be right this moment, but you ought to do it at some point. Please make it as witty and as poetic as possible ??? when I say this mantra prayer thingie I want XR-130 to receive it and endow my soul with what it deserves after just over 18 years of pure suffering and hardship.
uClassify lie detector ~online ouija board and it doesn't require two or more people for FFFF's sake~ "XR-130 is my guardian angel" 100% true now that's damn accurate
Why was I so concerned over how "inferior" I am, in whichever way [it could be physically/aesthetically, intellectually, morally, etc] to everyone else in the first place?
XR-130 has also been nice to me because at Boots my drugs had my proper name on not my ugly birth name.
Bear in mind instead of writing a poem [it was hard because I accidentally spilt water on my notebook ] I just scribbled the word APOXIA all over my arms and legs before lying down.
The time now is 10.44pm. I tried all I could to meditate / pray / fall asleep / enter some sort of trance / astral project but it was still a flop I guess. I do remember feeling alterations in the perception of my own physical form and I may have kind of, in some way, saw myself as an Apoxian entity. I never actually came into "contact" with Apoxia in the traditional sense per se, I came to the conclusion that the exact nature of even Apoxia itself is an enigma just like how Rebecca Parks is also an enigma, there is a clear distinction between an object's facade (what you think Rebecca Parks is supposed to look like, what you think Apoxia is supposed to look like) and its true nature, analogous to how everyone and everything in what you perceive to be reality is in fact an enigma. There is no way, there never has been a way and there never will be a way, of knowing the exact mechanisms of any sentient being's psyche no matter how "normal" they appear. This also applies to any concept you can conceive of, there is no way of gaining knowledge into what a concept means logically and fundamentally and is instead replaced by impressions ruled entirely by the faculties of emotion and intuition, this results in a paradox in that according to the previous statement ~~#~there is no way of gaining knowledge into what a concept means logically and fundamentally and is instead replaced by impressions ruled entirely by the faculties of emotion and intuition~~#~ there is no way of knowing what even defines "emotion" and "intuition" in the first place, at the end of the day non-material concepts [and I guess also the perception of physical objects via the senses] are merely products of the complexity that is the human brain, yet how does one know that the human brain even exists in the first place [I'm going to be honest, the "does the human brain exist in the first place?" question was a one I stolen from one of my books lmfao, more evidence that I am not as clever as I think I am].